Slow Burn •jb•

Together

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT I LOVEEEEE YOUUUUU💓

"I just feel really crappy Justin." I all I explain my feelings as because it's true. "I'm here on my own a-" Justin sighs as I say those words despite it being true. Whether he likes it or not I am here taking care of Jacob alone and I've found myself doing the jobs of two people whilst Justin explores all these places performing night after night. I don't mean to sound bitter. This is, after all, what we agreed on at the start of tour, but that doesn't mean it doesn't get crappy. I'm exhausted and Justin feels as though he's missing out and eventhough I try and convince him he's not; we both know he is.

At 13 months old, Jacob grows, changes and learns by the day so that even I see the change, so it's going to be even harder for Justin. In fact, I know it has been. He called on Jacob's birthday and burst into tears, saying how he was just as bad of a dad to Jacob as his dad was to him when he was younger. How he should be there with us and not be on this 'dumb tour'. He pulled himself together pretty quickly after some consolance and a visit from my Avo and Grandpa who dragged him to stay at their place for a night or two until his next show in Brazil. It gave him a little time to pull himself together.

Then, thankfully, after he left Brazil, Za went to travel with him for a while and now Scooter. I was always pleased to know my husband was never alone for too long and always had somebody he knew and trusted with him. Things would get lonely if he didn't. But at the same time, it's my turn to feel alone now, and on days like this, when everything moved against me I really needed someone like Justin.

Who am I kidding? I needed Justin.

"You know I'd be there if I could Char..." Justin trails off and I sigh letting my head fall forward. "Just tell me what happened?" He asks and I check behind my shoulder. I'm sat on the floor of the balcony to the side of what's usually Justin and I's bedroom. I'm well aware my Mom is only a couple of walls away which is why I'm so apprehensive on sharing the details of today.

"I only took my eyes off him for a second Jay..." I hum pathetically into the phone and Justin makes an encouraging 'go on' as I huff again. I feel like he's going to judge me. "I looked away just to make dinner and next thing I know Jake's standing on the first step of the staircase and my Mom is screaming her head off." Reliving the moment I almost feel winded. It sounds so small now, Jacob didn't fall, didn't hurt himself in any way. If anything my Mom's panicking scared him and then he got all agitated. Now it just seemed like the thought was tormenting me escalating in severity each time I replayed it in my mind.

"Christ Charlie." Justin mutters blowing out a long stream of air from between his lips and at that I narrow my eyes at the wall infront of me. Is he...smoking? Wait no, he's in an airport. "Nobody's hurt?" He asks and I shake my head no before stupidly realising he can't see me and choke out a 'no' of sorts. He hums in reply clearly trying to keep level-headed about the whole thing eventhough I feel like the worst mother on the planet. "Well it's okay." He finally finishes.

"Really?"

"Yeah, your Mom isn't the perfect mom Charlie. Just because she says something and is hard on you doesn't mean it's deserved." He finishes then clears his throat after like sensing he shouldn't have said it. "Nobody's perfect" he murmurs. I know this all but it's still comforting to hear it from Justin despite him never being my Mother's biggest fan, a fact neither of them conceal easily.

"I know." I eventually accept letting my head fall back against the wall looking up at the stars which seemed to glow. The sky is so clear tonight I bet if I looked in the right direction, at the right time I could see Justin on his plane to wherever his next show is (I know it wouldn't happen really, but it would be cool). "It's just tough on days like this." I add letting my eyes fall shut and relaxation eventually wash over me. I never thought one small moment in time would cause me to doubt myself so much or think the worst of the way I take care of Jacob.