Aiming for Ariana

Introduction

There have always been different types of relationships. And the health of the relationship depends on what the relationship is based on. Maybe it's the normal relationship where the participants meet in normal circumstances and develop feelings the way normal is perceived in today's society. Or maybe you have a relationship solely based on physical intimacy such as BDSM, where you have to put your entire trust into the other person and by giving that trust you're reassuring them that the relationship is fine. You have the abusive relationship, in which you reassure the one doing the unnecessary physical contact by not telling anyone what they're doing. And unlike a BDSM relationship, these actions aren't consensual. It's probably considered the worst type of relationship. A relationship which you need to tell someone about before it escalates to the point of no return, also known as: You dying.

Then you have my case: the secret relationship.

You hear people talking about their relationship with their significant other but yet their parents or a majority of their friends don't know about it. And you wonder, why on earth have they not shared this with at least one of their parents? If they care about each other so much then why are they keeping themselves a secret from some of the other most important people in their life?

I asked myself the same question thinking I had an answer just like I thought I did everything else. When it began, I was at the stage where I thought I was always right even though it was clear I had no idea what I was talking about.

But there are different reasons for everybody's secrecy and I guess it just depends on the circumstance.

Some know that their parents are opposed to a relationship going on between the two and decide to keep it a secret to keep themselves safe, even if it meant being labeled as a coward in doing so.

Some do it because it isn't their parents that will judge them but society itself. This includes any relationship that the majority of the population doesn't see as 'normal' - but what people don't seem to understand is that everyone's definition of normal varies. You may have the same general idea of what normal is but when it comes down to the specifics, your opinions are never going to match.

I wish my case fit into one of the first two and at some point, I would like to think it did. But over time it seemed everything changed or at least became more obvious.

The last category describes the ones who do it for the thrill of it, for the ability to say, yes, I'm going behind my parents' backs by seeing this person. They're doing it not because they care about you and are afraid of what everyone else thinks, they're just doing it because of the intensity. It doesn't matter if they're ashamed of you because they don't have to worry about that if no one else knows about the relationship.

Because there's something exciting about having a secret relationship, something that appeals to every aspect of your being. Because you don't know what would happen if you were ever caught, if you were ever to admit that you loved a person you were forbidden to. 

But like all relationships, there are doubts. These doubts are intensified by the secrecy simply because it makes you wonder if he/she is embarrassed by you or thinks of you as another conquest that no one needs to know about. As if your life didn't matter in their eyes. But your life isn't supposed to matter to them because according to everyone else it has no reason to. You're just two random people who have an extremely platonic relationship.

But that's the point, right?

The meaning of 'secret' is something that isn't known to everybody. A secret is something meant to be kept, like a treasure that someone finds and doesn't want anyone else to have. And if you had a treasure you had to protect from prying eyes you would feel a little protective over that treasure. And in a secret relationship it is the same way. You don't want it to end, that feeling you get when you sneak off into the woods for a rendezvous with your temporary prince charming. Whether that feeling is excitement, love, or the taste of rebellion you get every time you think about the fact that you're parents have no clue what's going on, as if you have outsmarted them. You want to keep that feeling.

In a secret relationship, there are so many 'what if's' and insecurities that it makes you wonder why you didn't end it as soon as they said, 'Don't tell anyone about us." You think about the fact that it wouldn't be as complicated in a normal relationship and you could be as possessive and affectionate in public as you wanted. You ask yourself constantly why you agreed to it.

But then you realize something, something that outweighs whatever stress you may have went through and whatever consequences you continuously came across.

You had real feelings for them. Or, at least you thought you did.

Maybe it was the aspect of wanting something you thought you never could have that made you feel that way. Or maybe it was the personality that you thought they only showed to you. A personality that you thought genuinely loved your personality as well.

You thought the feeling was intensified when they finally asked you to be theirs but in reality, they didn't know what being 'theirs' meant.

They believed it meant to belong to them. In some sense, it does. If someone were to ask, you'd be his.

But what he didn't know is that the meaning of the word signified more than ownership. After all, in a relationship, if you're theirs then they're automatically yours, correct?

And while he may say he's yours he really belongs to two other women, whom of which he also says he has feelings for. Then you seriously contemplate polygamy for a man you actually had no idea about, who lied to you the majority of the time.

So while a secret relationship seems simple and harmless, you have to ask yourself something.

What's going on behind the scenes? What happens when you aren't looking or are too complacent to wonder? What are the consequences of being content? Of being happy? Of having the satisfaction of saying you were normal for once in your life and you didn't have to worry about everyone else? 

We are so misguided by the happy endings in almost every single romance novel or movie that we don't set aside the time to contemplate how many relationships actually have that kind of happy ending.

But in this story there is no fairy tale ending. It's just the reality of a broken girl.