Utopias [first version]

Ren

 2094

I wake in my childhood bedroom at my parent's house. Probably the last time this year, since I am starting the fall semester of my artistic education today. I stretch and make my way to the kitchen. Once it would have smelled like chili-pancake and maple syrup #4 on a morning like this, but not anymore.

"Hey parents! Lovely day isn't it? I am so excited, only two years left of my Mural designer training. I'm halfway through, can you believe it?"

"Hi sweetheart!" My mom replies cheerfully, a smile like a crescent moon and eyes filled with pride. I turn to my father, expecting something from him. As soon as my mom notices, she elbows him. Still, he barely acknowledges my presence. "Son." He manages, in a distracted and empty tone; not even a smile on his face this morning.

"Everything ok dad?" I ask simultaneously concerned and annoyed. I've asked the same question so many times this summer I don't really expect a response anymore; it saddens me.

"I am sorry sweety, your dad is exhausted, he's of course delighted to see you."

"Com'on dad, what's up with you? You've been emotionless for the past 6 months. It's annoying."

"Nothing honey, don't worry, he's just tired." My mom quickly replies, worried that I might notice something else amiss. I glare at her.

"Whatever you say."

"Now com'on", she says, barely registering my reaction, "your sister is waiting in the car, she's starting a new career path today. She offered to pick you up. Have a joyful day!"

No other words came out of my father's mouth as I grabbed a re-oxydated toast and made my way to the car. I turn back to glance at him one last time in hopes to see something in his eyes, anything, instead the looks of him fills me with a mix of pity and anger. His body, usually so high and tall, is slouched, burdened by something invisible and unknown. He looks as if he's given up. I see a coward. That man is only a shadow of who my father once was. The little concentration he has left is solely dedicated to today's paper. I wonder which of today's headlines is interesting him so: Heartthrob Damien lost millions in divorce settlement or Two more unpathosians dead, found near the dividing dry river bed. To me, neither seem more worthy of his attention than we are.

I have been trying to shake off his unlikely behavior as exhaustion for the past year now. I want to believe my mom when she says: "You don't need to worry honey, your dad is just tired". Yet everyday I feel my dad is distancing himself from us, even from Mylie who's always been the favorite. Everyday I am more confused, more desperate to see once again the man I know my father can be. The man adored by everyone, so often praised within the community for his emotional balance. I miss the "I wish I knew how he does it", or "He must be the easiest person to get along with", or the occasional "David is so balanced". It may be selfish for me to want this kind of attention for my dad, but the fact is, he used to be the epitome of balance and it made me proud to be his son. He transformed anger into utter focus, understood how greed could become generosity, embraced sadness, learned from pain, and showered everybody with compassion and empathy. He would take any opportunity possible to lighten someone's day, by sharing a smile or offering a gift. Most importantly, he loved us, so much so, it sometimes became annoying. Now, I would do anything to get this version of him back. Instead, the I love you's, on the rare occasions they are said, feel hollow, meaningless. Rage, rather than fuel his focus, destroys it, and his smile fades a little more every day. In fact, this morning, it wasn't even there at all. Something must have happened, must have snapped. He behaves the same way as a victim of emotional numbness. The only difference is that he is doing so intentionally, at least that's what it looks like. I wouldn't even be surprised, at this point, to find out he uses drugs or alcohol - or anything else I was strictly kept away from over the years - in order to numb his emotions. Whatever it is, he should tell us, I don't understand it and it angers me. If only he would tell me, I may be able to respect him again one day.