Take the shot

Chapter Eleven

I miserably tried to keep it together as Dr. Wong and I exited, but I think it was pretty obvious everyone I walked by saw that I was trying not to cry. It's like everything was slowly being taken away from me, especially family, and Carisi was a big part of that.

As we entered a private interrogation room, I sorta broke down, it all hitting me like a ton of bricks, one of them definitely hit me right in my thick head.

"Oh my God I'm such an idiot," I sobbed, while doctor Wong stood there like he knew what the hell I was talking about right now.

"I know Jesse.." he said, attempting to soothe me, but I wouldn't have that.

"No, you don't know! Do you know what it's like to loose everything?! You're friends, your family, your own self!? I don't think you do, why wouldn't I have wanted to kill myself?! And now to top all this crap off, Gloria's missing because of me! OF ME! Nothing's gotten better, only worse, and I'm just tired. I'm so tired of this, and I haven't even seen OR EVEN THANKED the only person who saved me! That's as much of a crappy person as you can get! Are you happy now? You got your damn information from me! There! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!" I screamed at him. It was actually really nice to get that off my chest.

He just stood there really shocked at my over reaction to his words, and nodded collected his things and left.

Part of me wished he would stay despite my words and mental state, but I knew that would've be fair. I basically cursed him out.

He silently closed the door behind him, leaving me in a room with my own feelings and self hatred.

I found myself running after him, and as I opened the door, I saw every officer, including my mom and Carisi staring at me like I had six heads.

I guess the private rooms aren't sound proof. Jesus.

"Jesse," my mom tried to soothe, reaching out for me. I snapped my head at her.

"Don't try to make me feel better, because all you'll do is make me feel worse about myself."

She gasped at my harsh words towards her, and to be honest I lost track of what I was saying and doing. I was just using anger adrenaline. I could literally feel it pumping through my veins like some sort of venom. I was done with myself.

Olivia stepped over and placed a hand on my moms shoulder.

"Jesse, you listen to me. You are so angry right now you don't even know what your saying," she said, attempting to reason with me.

"Oh I think I do," was all I said before walked off towards Carisi.

"Jesse..?" He said as I walked faster and closer, until I got close enough to push him.

"That was for being a jerk at breakfast," I said, before turning around. I now also saw that all the officers were preparing to break up a fight. One that if obviously loose, he was a cop for Gods sake. I'm lucky I don't get arrested for shoving him.

I felt him grab my wrist and drag me back, obviously not letting me leave like that.

"You are going to sit down and drink some water and stay as long as we tell you to. Don't you get that your in danger?! Don't you get that we're trying to help you?!! But you push everything away! Why!? Because I messed up talking to you!? Because your moms on a different case?! Tell me why you push everyone away!?" He screamed at me.

I've never head Carisi talk to me like that before. I felt really small and scared.

"Well?!" He asked again.

Who the hell am I kidding. I bought all of this on myself.

"Do you want to know why I push everyone away Sonny? Do you really wanna know?" I asked, playing the part of an 8 year old child that lacks common sense.

"Yes. I really do Jesse," he said, and crossed his arms. My mom and Olivia also stepped forward.

"Because when you or people get close to you when you really need help, they never come; and you always get hurt in the end. Do you have any idea how many times I needed my dad with me over these years? How many times he never came? I don't think you do. Do you have any idea how many times I needed my friends during this time, but non of them talk to me anymore? A lot. Why would you let people in when if in the end all thy do is throw it in your face? There's your explanation, detective Carisi," i finished, no letting myself break down again. I thought he'd stop there getting the point, but I was wrong. In fact, he looked angry.

"So that's it? THATS YOUR DAMN REASON?" He yelled.

"After all your mothers done for you all these years, raising you by herself, sacrificing EVERYTHING, you have the nerve to say that everyone you care about stabs you in the back?! You shouldn't even be TALKING about your father, BECAUSE HES BEEN GON FOR YEARS! I WAS THERE! Just because we had a disagreement at breakfast, I'm suddenly your word enemy? Suddenly I'm part of the people who stabbed you in the back?! You know what, it's your life and you can make your own decisions, I don't have to be here," he said then paused for a few seconds, "I never did."

And with that he stormed off, leaving me standing there, feeling so stupid and like a real attention whore.

Before I had time to even apologize to my mom, she started talking too.

"Save it," she said, "I don't want to hear from you right now. I'm going to make sure Sonny is okay."

My voice cracked a bit as she walked away.

What have I done? I've felt so much self pity that I forgot about my family. I need to fix this.

"Jesse.." I heard Olivia say, "I think it's best I take you home."

I just nodded and walked off with her.

"Can I see Noah?" I asked her before we left.

"Of course. Maybe he can help you out," she said as we got into the car and took off towards her house.

It was a silent car ride, which I was very happy about.

The second the car stopped I jumped out and burst through the door, eyes puffy and bloodshot.

"Noah!?" I yelled.

I heard a faint, "Jesse!" From upstairs, so that's where I ran.

I busted open his door, and before he had time to react, I was bawling and squeezed the Jesus out of him.

"Jesse.." I heard him whisper into my hair.

"I messed up everything. I pushed everyone I cared about away. I never even thanked you for saving me.." I sobbed, but as I said the last part he gently lifted my head up to look at me.

"Don't do that. I know you were busy and recovering. Don't you dare worry about me. I'm just happy you're okay," he soothed, petting my head and rubbing my back.

Once I calmed down a bit, he looked at me once more.

"I here about the other night, when you tried to harm yourself," he said.

I looked down in shame, bring back all those selfish memories.

"Why would you do that?" He asked.

"My reasons I said before doesn't make sense to me now," I only said, before hugging him again.

"I'll never do that again, not when I know it'll be hurting you too," I said.

"I know," he responded.

"It's getting late, you should go to sleep. You take my bed and I'll take the floor," he said, already grabbing pillows and blankets for himself.

"No way. You take your own bed and I'll take the floor. I don't deserve special treatment," I said, moving to the ground.

"But you do," was all he said before gently lifting me from the ground onto the bed before closing his eyes.

I waited until he was sleeping before I said, "but I don't."