Vermillion

snowflakes

I don't know how it is like to be loved.

it must be ever consuming, to be held in a death grip, to be understood, to be free of all inhibitions and to be most importantly feel cherished. to know that you are so important to your love like he is to you. it sounds unreal, it feels unreal, that someone who knew the meaning of the word "unimportant" like you did, once upon a red moon would find you. a laughter coated with disbelief cries to escape this asylum you think it is and you question your sanity... could it be a dream? you could lose your hold on this wonderful figment of this unreal imagination, once you open your eyes. your fingers caress the velvet sheets, and you must hold on to it with all your might. velvet is pricey. like the dream you are in.

I would know. because I was there. no, I was never loved that way, with doubts swirling in my core everytime I swam in the delirium. I took it for granted, dancing like a feral animal in its flames, as it licked my dark spirit, my eyes only for a pair of dark ones- dark like my soul, two deep oceans, I could never help myself but lose in, bathing in the darkness, letting go of the basic tip to survival-not breathing but drowning drowning drowning. poisonous and lethal, dark and brooding, the key to every secret I wanted to unearth. loneliness murking in the depths, the anchor to my restless spirit, fighting my worries, fighting my common sense, fighting my restraints. it loosened something cold in me, something I thought would never know the definition of heat, something heavy like my conscience. it moved my heart, it moved my knowledge of probable, it cut me from every sensible thing I was tied to- the earth moved beneath me, I was shattered into a trillion bursts of confetti, showering him with the darkness that was once my captor- I laid myself for him and I thought I was perfect, I was alive, when sparks shot off my being, my darkness now an alien, until--

until he screamed.

until he screamed in my darkness.

I scared him. I was reduced to an even darker darkness, a little disaster that became part of me, an extension of my being, like my hands, and I keep counting its fingers and toes, wondering where I let it take birth.

and I know. love is a dream. it's an impossibility. it's not a dimension that lets you believe you are part of a whole. you are jagged pieces of shattered glass, people fear to step on, walking around you in tiptoe because you scare them. you are an anomaly, and you are now a discarded piece of torn clothing.

these days, I let my worries play dress up, and they dance on a land where every man dreams to have each worry of mine hanging on their arms. my smiles are glass slippers that lose their light at night. my darkness has become my light. night creatures howl when darkness finds me, raising the hair on my arms and I stay frozen. I stay frozen in hopes my fears freeze too. I stay frozen in hopes my darkness freezes too.

and I become the darkness, the night creatures tease me, clenching my heart within their fists, taking their toll on my weathered frozen self.

I am an unfeeling scary excuse for a heartbroken human being, and I am the darkness, while the night creatures thrive on me.

____

©VioletEden

25thMay2017