I'd Live For You, If Only I Could (Completed)

Seventeen

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When Dr. Jayne leaves, I ask her to send my mom back in.

"What was that about?" she asks, sitting at my feet and placing a gentle hand on my blanketed shin.

"You know how I always said I didn't know what to use my Wish on?" She nods slowly, trying to figure me out. "I finally decided. It took a long time, but I got there."

"Oh? What did you decide, sweetie?"

"I'm using it on Scott. I'm sending him to Venice."

"Honey, you should use it on yourself. It's your Wish, not his."

"I want him to be happy. That's my only wish. For him to be happy."

"What's the point of this? To send him to Venice alone while you're here in the hospital. You know he'll want to be with you until your last breath."

"That's exactly it. I'm going to send him around the time when I'm supposedly going to be dying. That way he doesn't have to be here when I die." I go into explaining what I said to Dr. Jayne, and my mom begins to tear up a bit.

"What makes you think he'll actually go and leave your side? He'll be resistant."

"I haven't quite figured that part out yet. I'm going to talk to his mom and Kirstie and try to get them to work on him. And the only part I'm telling him is that I'm sending him to Venice, not the reason. Please don't say anything to him about that, because then he'll never go."

"My lips are sealed." she says quietly, staring down at the woven blanket beneath her. "A few months isn't long enough."

"Enjoy the good days." I reach out to take her hand and she raises her tear-streaked face toward me.

****

The night is restless and painful, as many are, and I stare at the clock with anticipation, waiting for the moment when I will finally fall asleep. By three in the morning, I give up hope and stare motionless at the ceiling, where Scott helped me hang glow-in-the-dark stars. The curtains on the window are drawn, and the only light is coming from under the door. Yearning to feel lively again, I gather all my strength and push myself out of bed, dragging my IV behind me with one hand and an oxygen pump with the other over to the window. I push the curtains apart and pull open the blinds, staring at the streetlights and passing cars below. The cars move quickly, their headlights mere blinks in the night before they are replaced in an endless cycle. I turn my attention away from the busy street to a set of windows in a different wing of the hospital across from me. A young girl, many years younger than me, is perched by the window directly opposite mine. She waves to me and points to something in the street. I look back down, curious to see what she is pointing to, but see nothing. When I look back, she waves again, just one more time, and disappears back into her room. I wave back after she is gone. After I finally fall asleep and wake up in the morning, I find out that she died overnight. Her name was Monica.

****

Almost as soon as I wake up, Dr. Jayne brings up the discussion of getting me Chemo again. I immediately ask her what the point would be. While I know it is supposed to to physically help me, I know that I don't want to go through it again. I've never felt worse in my life. Just having the discussion makes me anxious about losing my hair again. When it is nearly evening and Scott still hasn't come to visit, I start to get worried. He bursts into the room at a little after five, an unreadable expression plastered across his face.

"No, Mitch."

"What?"

"I said no." I shake my head, trying to make sense of what he is saying through the haze already settling over my mind and all my senses.

"What are you talking about?"

"You can't use your Wish on me. Especially so I'm not here when you die. What the hell were you thinking?" I knit my eyebrows together, thoroughly confused. "Did you really think I would just run off to Italy while you died here? I'm staying with you for the last months of your life. I can see Venice any time. You...not so much. So, no, you can't use your Wish on me, and I will be here whenever you die."

"Who told you?"

"Your mom." I take a deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts.

"Scott, come here." I pat the bed beside me, shifting sideways a little so he can sit comfortably with me. He walks over, gaze averted and his expression as blank as ever. "Remember what you said about your mom not being able to go to Venice because she saw your dad die there?"

"Yeah." he mumbles, lacing our fingers together and gripping a little tighter when he feels how cold and clammy my skin feels.

"I don't want that to happen to you. I want this to be a place where you remember me fondly, not as the place where you saw your boyfriend die. Please go."

"No. I'm not going and that's final."

"Please." I close my eyes and lay my head on his shoulder, exhausted from exerting the energy to talk.

"Why do you feel so passionately about this?" His voice is suddenly softer, more vulnerable. I remain silent, and he stays quiet with me. I wish to fall asleep just for everything to stop, but I just sit there, eyes closed, wrapped up in my love's warmth.