Hold Me Too Tight (previously Angel of Music; ON HOLD)

Chapter Seven

It’s Monday when I see Jonathan again. He only stayed momentarily the day before and when he left, he was still out of sorts. I meet him outside at his shiny car. He doesn’t come to the door as usual, and he looks unhappy as I climb into the passenger seat. He waits until I slam the door and he starts the engine to say anything.

            When he does speak, I know he isn’t happy. “I want you to know,” he begins. His voice is very monotone, so unlike its usual honey-style lightness. “I want you to know that Saturday night was very… remorseful for me.”

            That hurts. “Oh, great,” I mutter sarcastically.

            “No, I don’t think you get it,” he says, “It was just a drunken hallucination. I didn’t mean any of it.” Jonathan doesn’t look at me.

            I look away so that I won’t cry. “You said yesterday that you weren’t that drunk.”

            “That was the hangover talking.”

            Excuses, I think.

            “Right,” I agree, “me too.” I’m lying.

            “So, are we friends then? Nothing more?” he asks.

            He wants to play games. Fine, I can play games too. I flash him a convincing smile and nod, “Right, just friends.”

That satisfies him and he smiles, turning away. I’m smiling too, but behind it my heart is breaking in two. He never meant anything. He never wanted to kiss me, or hold me, or anything, but I wanted it. I meant it. I could pretend too, though, and that’s what I intended to do.

            First hour is appalling. Natalie doesn’t stop raving about her party Saturday and she doesn’t give Jonathan room to breathe. I brought you something, he mouths to her, flashing his row of pearly whites. She’s batting her eyelashes and leaning in close to his face. He brought her something. What did he bring her? Jonathan leans close to her ear and whispers something low and soft, and pulls a white rose from behind her back. It has a very long green stem and the petals are as white as his teeth and in full bloom. She’s giddy as she jumps toward him and hugs him, holding the small flower above her head for everyone to see.

            That hurts too. I thought… I thought he liked me, but he never brought me a rose. My heart keeps telling me that I was in love with him and that he doesn’t even care, which is probably true. My brain keeps telling me that it is stupid to believe in love and that I don’t need him, which is probably also true. What do you do when two feelings collide?

            Lunch is worse. I sit alone today, just like I had before. However, it seems that Natalie is becoming nasty, with her new boy toy hanging on her every word. The difference? That boy toy isn’t hanging on me anymore, and I know she knows she can use that against me. When the two pass my lone table, she turns him around and plants a big kiss on his mouth and he doesn’t pull away. I have to leave.

            It takes a lot of willpower to stand and throw my things away, and to calmly walk to the bathroom, resisting the urge to run. Once I’m around the corner, I lose that power and sprint to the bathroom where I take the first empty stall and slam the door behind me. I can’t breathe, or think, or do anything. I’m choking on air.

            Who is this boy? I don’t know him. He’s not the boy I watched movies with on Friday, or the boy that was kissing me Saturday night. He is a whole new person, over the course of a few hours. This realization hits me like a wall, and I slide to the floor. I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to do anything. Why is Jonathan being such a jerk?

            The door to the bathroom swings open and I cease my sobbing. I hear the click of high heels against tile, and the person stops at my stall. I peek under the door. Pink high heels. Natalie. “Come on out, Claire,” she says, tapping a foot impatiently. I remain silent. “I know you’re in there,” she adds, “We need to talk.”

            I wipe my cheeks and I come out of the stall.

            “Good girl,” Natalie smiles, “I didn’t want to have to come in there myself.”

            I tense up and try to make my voice compelling, “What do you want, Natalie?”

            “Now be nice,” she frowns, “I didn’t do anything to you. Listen, Jonathan and I are kind of together now, so you’re going to have to stay away from him from now on.”

            “No problem,” I snap, pushing past her.

            “Am I clear, or what?"

            My determination returns and I smile at her, “Crystal.”

            It isn’t long before I feel like I’m losing my mind. My mother tells me that Jonathan is going through a phase, and that it will pass, but what she doesn’t know is just how hard it can be to believe that. Jonathan is a boy, and boys and girls are like fire and water. Polar opposites.

            My heart aches. I have never felt this before, but I don’t like the feeling. My mother and I order in pizza and bust open the cartons of ice cream and sit together in front of the TV. We don’t talk about Jonathan as we watch comedy flicks. Sitting with her makes me feel better and I realize just how much I don’t want to return to school tomorrow, but she doesn’t want me to skip.

            “Jonathan will only think you’re weak if you don’t show up. That’s the reaction he wants and that just feeds him,” mother says. I know she’s right. “Maybe,” she adds, “this wasn’t a good idea. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to set you two up to be friends.”

            Yeah, I think. Just now realizing that?

Attn: So, pretty short chapter. I apologize to everyone who was expecting an upload, as this chapter is very short and a bit uneventful. I’ve been very busy and stressed as of late, and my creative juices just aren’t flowing.

I think this week I’m going to hold off on uploads and go back and revise everything, because I’ve decided to change the plot, so just be patient please.

Jonathan is a bit nasty, huh? Leave comments and again, be patient!