The moon is glowing really pretty tonight (above). I don't know what I find fascinating about the night sky. I'm also trying to stop talking so formally but I can't help it. My mind is rushing with thoughts I'd like to share but I don't think that they are particularly interesting. That's another thing I hope to overcome, it'd be nice to think that people woulda listened. Actually, I'm going to speak my mind freely for a minute.
Thought one:
I don't really feel I have an identity. I don't feel like I am a human significant enough to give a shit and that hurts a little.
Thought two:
I constantly feel like I'm in a box and the bar is just outside the frame. I've always wanted to have a relationship with a sibling that's jokey in a good way. What I mean by that is that when my sisters joke about normal things like dating or saying stuff like 'you're totally gay.' Kinda hits hard. It bugs me a lot because gays like me shouldn't conceal our identities, we should embrace them. I'd like to tell her, I really would.
Thought three:
What I would consider my best coping mechanisms are music and planning ahead. Odd, I know. I feel like planning ahead distracts me from the shitty, shitty reality that is human nature. Do I sound pretentious? I really hope not but I'm going to make the assumption I am. You see? That's the issue with planning ahead. You want to stick to the plan but the box I mentioned earlier prohibits you from doing that. It feels nice to scream into the void.
What I'm going to do next week:
I have a school break for another week so I'm going to watch anime (yuri!!! On ice is really good btw) and probably go to a theme park. I love those. They really pump adrenaline. I guess I should mention the fact I HATE when I write things knowing the effect I intend to create. Hate it, hate it, hate it.
I'm gonna go. I don't know if it was worth it.
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Update:
I can't sleep. There are people outside my window and they're super loud wtf it's 4:45
