So I Went Shopping Today: True Story

So I Went Shopping Today

WARNING: These are just my opinions; if you disagree, that's fine.

So I went shopping today.

The shops close at five and it’s three in the afternoon. I haven’t showered, but I’ve already brushed my teeth for two reasons. One, I love the taste of toothpaste and two, my morning breath is usually fatal. I shower and like every other girl I know – no matter how many clothes you have – finding an outfit is an endless task. I manage to get out of the house by four. I’m strolling down the bus stop, scoffing down my Kinder Bueno because I feel like my stomach is about to start eating itself and my other organs. I see my bus drive past me and I curse out loud, which gets me a lot of stares. Luckily, when I round the corner, the bus is still waiting. Mind you, this is the highlight of my journey; so I walk, not run, for the bus. There was no way I was going to run for the bus; I’m not athletic, I don’t run for a lot of things. It takes a lot of coordination to move your arms and legs at the same time anyway. I get on the bus and it starts to move before I’ve sat down. This is Miss Zero Coordination on a moving vehicle; obviously, the next place I was heading was the ground. But I actually got my balance and I got a seat in front of this old woman and her son, who was about my age. Her son was very cute, but I’m not dopey in love, so I wasn’t going to show that I was actually interested even when he smiled at me. About a minute into the journey, I hear this pig grunt. There are no animals on the bus. I look around, confused and try my hardest not to laugh – it was the old woman. Her head is bobbing up and down as she tries to fight sleep, but eventually, she falls asleep and starts snoring. The woman in front of me is literally snoring away and I’m just not that good at hiding emotions. My lip is quivering and I keep looking out of the window because it’s rude to laugh in someone’s face. So I take my phone out and start talking to my friend, pretending that I’m laughing at my phone. I’m not a good actor. The woman realises I’m laughing at her and wakes up, but she falls back asleep again and it is pure torture to sit there with a straight face for another half an hour but I do it just barely. The minute I get to the shopping centre, this forty-odd year old man tries to call my attention by waving. I’ve never seen him before in my life.

‘Sss...’ He says, trying to get my attention. I practically run inside the centre, where there would be loads of witnesses if he tried to kidnap me or something like that. I’m probably just being paranoid, but that’s what you get for watching horror at age six. Snakeman leaves me alone and as I walk further inside the mall, I realise that I have no idea where I’m going. Usually, I follow a friend or a map, but I can’t even find the maps, which is wonderful. I’m now a girl with zero coordination and zero sense of direction. I only want to buy things that will help me revise and I’ve only been to the stationary store once.

‘Ow.’ Somebody bumps into me and doesn’t say sorry. They’re in a rush and I’m in a daze, so I just let it go. It seems like the mall is never-ending and every place I go to ends up completely wrong. I’m going around in circles for so long that I feel like I’m trapped in some kind of twisted labyrinth. Anyhow, I manage to find my way into the store. After just five minutes in the store, I realise that this company doesn’t know the meaning of ‘Customer Service’. I don’t know what I want or where to find it and all the colours and folders and files are confusing me so I just leave the store. I call my Mum and tell her I’m coming home early because shopping is too overwhelming for me. The compassionate, understanding woman she is, Mum laughs over the phone and tells me she’ll see me soon.

‘Sorry.’ I say, taking the blame for somebody else bashing into me. I check the time and see it’s still early. I shove my phone in my pocket and decide to look around a little bit.

This is the stage in my life where I realise that I don’t just hate shopping, I hate people in general. Every bra section I go to, there are ten year old girls in heavy makeup and tops a prostitute wouldn’t wear – the first thing that comes to mind each time I see these girls is, why? Then, I realise that they aren’t my children and I move on with my life. I can’t stand around all day judging people – there are actual judges for that. I turn to the clothes sections and there are girls in clothes that are fit for babies. I turn to boys and I see trousers that are fit for whales. Does nobody wear the right size anymore? There are girls that are wearing formal outfits with full painted faces. Why? You’re at the mall, not Buckingham Palace. They frustrate me. How can you be ‘tanned’ if you live in England? It’s really not that warm. Unless the point is for it to look fake, in which case, I say well done.

Enough about what people are wearing; aside from appearance, the personalities of the shoppers I’m seeing are awful. My experience today shows me that people are becoming very rude. If you bump someone and apologize, that’s fair. If you bump someone and don’t apologize, they should have the right to cut you in your face. That sounds kind of harsh, but if you are me, trying and failing to navigate through this alien shopping centre and people want to treat you like you’re not even there, you try to keep your calm and see how that works out. I could take the people walking into me, if it wasn’t for the people walking in front of me.

You can see I’m walking faster than you.

You can see we’re not going in the same direction.

Why take all that time and energy to come and literally stroll in front of me? It’s very clear from our walking speeds that I have somewhere to go and you don’t. So move.

These are things I wish I could say at the time, but I just slide my way past them. At one point, I feel like taking a sign to my head with the words ‘I dare someone else to bump into me.’ Nobody takes on my imaginary challenge, which is quite disappointing really. I would’ve shown off my moves, learnt from years of Dragonball Z and a few soap opera slaps. I’m heading home, after one more hour of getting lost, seeing reckless behaviours and vomit-inducing outfits. I sit on the bus and this little girl with big, blue eyes and hair as fair as Rapunzel’s comes and sits next to me. Cute? No, the girl smells of poo. Literal, poo.  I don’t know how the other passengers are sitting calmly because this girl is stinking up the whole bus and something needs to be done. I hear the Psycho theme music play as she looks up at me, puts her hand down her trousers to scratch her bum and grabs the handle of my bag. I can literally hear those sharp violin strokes as she smiles sweetly at me. In my mind, tears flood to my eyes and I put a gun inside my mouth, but that’s a little extreme.

Who can blame me after the day I’ve had?

I’m glad I went. I needed this. I was starting to find bright sides and silver linings, but there is none.

True story.