It feels odd. The development of an emotional attachment to someone. It creates all kinds of feelings and merges them into one.
Yep, I'm crushing again and no, I'll probably never stop.
There is a problem with the way I go about my feelings for the guy I fancy:
1) they're obvious as hell (curse you, hyperactive blushing cheeks.)
2) I always go just that bit too far.
This time, for example. When I think about the guy I fancy, he reminds me of cold winter evenings. Sometimes I think that there's nothing I'd want more than to just drink hot chocolate and watch Star Wars together whilst hugging because if you can't watch Star Wars in winter with someone you hold close to your heart, when can you?
Something about this guy just makes me grin. I think I know what it is: we share the same ridiculous sense of humour involving terrible puns and stupid memes. Being in his presence is like sitting front row of a show you've been dying to see - you're grinning your head off and you know you look a tiny bit crazy, but who wouldn't when you wouldn't want to be anywhere else because you know you're going to be as happy as you can be for a while.
And I know, I know from experience, that the way I go about fancying people is dangerous. I don't tell people who I fancy anymore - it always just ends up with mutual embarrassment. Embarrassment on my part because now they know that I like them as way more than a friend and embarrassment for them because oh god, the weird girl likes me - what have I done wrong?
I am trying so hard to not be that weirdo that people find repulsive. But it's hard - when it's all you've known and you're not sure how to be not weird, you have to decide that you're going to try your darnedest.
I've always tried to fit in, my entire life. Throughout school, I was always looking for that group of misfits to call my own. Then I made it to sixth form. What they don't tell you about sixth form is that you don't make your proper friends until you're in second year. It's only now that I feel like I actually have a friendship group. I finally have friends that I made all on my own, I probably had some help but I'm still pretty amazed.
Yet, no matter how much I want one, I always think to myself "I'll never get a boyfriend." Because who could learn to love a meme? (It's me, I'm the meme.) I always hope, that's all I can do, I suppose. Maybe I am destined for loneliness and should just quit while I'm ahead. However, there's a part of me that weaves its way through every other part of me that drives me to make my decisions and everything else: it's that hopeless romanticism that determines all my creative and non-creative choices.
Yep, you heard it here folks: I am in love with love itself. You are not hearing things, I want romance, I want to be swept off my feet by some handsome man who will love me for who I am. And I'm slowly coming to terms with my romanticism: I'm learning that life isn't a novel or a film or a TV series. I'm learning that real life is reflected and amplified in those things, and as much as I love the big romantic gestures, I love the little ones too.
I love the way people cheer other people up. I love the way that this guy makes me laugh. I love the way my friends and I eat more McDonald's than necessary. I love the way that theatre makes me feel.
In falling in love with life, I fell in love with love. And with love, comes crushes and feelings and all this fun stuff.
"Most of all, I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close. Not even a little bit. Not even at all." - Kat Stratford, 10 Things I Hate About You
YOU ARE READING
ranty rant rant rant
Random"what is this place" "apparently it's a rant book" "well that hasn't been done before" "tough shit" ~ i write pretentious stuff and end it with a quote that's kinda relevant ~
