ranty rant rant rant

a letter he'll never read

Hey you,

I don't really know why I chose to write this. I mean I do, it's written with intent, but I kind of just wanted to get things out of my system. I don't know if I wanted to write this because I've been reading far too many romance novels or because I am lonely and hormonal but: here I am, laying in bed, writing.

So, I guess you should know one thing, I have a crush on you. And I know that you won't feel the same way, and I know you probably have a girlfriend, and I know that my crush will eventually reduce to nothing, but I am telling you. You'll never read this, but I am telling you. It's all the little things about you that make my heart flutter: your laugh, when you make eye contact with me from across the room and make a stupid face, your sense of humour, your kindness, your support, I love spending time with you. When we are talking about stuff at college, be it something dumb (like what actually are the lyrics to "Stars") or something important (like when you and I helped each other revise for our English exam) I feel comfortable. This is no easy thing for me, being comfortable at college, there are moments when I would much rather just stay in bed and not come in but once I convince myself that it would be good for me to go, you cheer me up to no end. Thank you. I've told you before how much you mean to me. However, I think I worded it differently. I cherish and value our friendship and my heart would honestly break if it were to end. I have known you for 7 months of my life and, honestly, I am not planning on losing out on an amazing person like you.

Romance is a strange idea, isn't it? To me, romance seems kind of like extreme friendship, I know it sounds weird, let me explain. Romance often blooms from a friendship, once a romantic relationship commences it could end two ways: you get married or you break up. Breakups can be the making of some people and the breaking of others: there's no way of knowing how a person will react to a break up. You could lose someone you once called a close friend post-breakup or you could go back to the way things were pre-romance all together but there will always be the silence of knowledge that at least during one point of knowing that person, they were romantically interested in you.

I'm not trying to convince you to date me, that seems far too much for me just to do with written words. As much as I would love for you to scoop me up into your arms and kiss me within an inch of my life, I won't make you. You are your own person, with your own feelings and thoughts. Never let anyone dictate how you should or should not feel. Only one person gets to decide: you. I appreciate our friendship, and I don't want to be the one to make things awkward. I'm happy as we are now.

If I ever managed to get the guts to tell you that I have a crush on you, I don't know what I'd do. There are a few different versions of me doing this in my head:
version 1: the reciprocated feelings
This basically consists of you going "I feel the same way" which is a highly unrealistic scenario, often littered with cliché quotes and things that help me to feel better when I'm feeling low.
version 2: the laughter
In this one, you laugh in my face. You believe every bad thing about me anyone has ever told you and you just laugh down at me. The you that I know wouldn't do that, but it's my fear nonetheless.
version 3: the shocked silence
In this version, you just kind of stand there, looking confused. It's a very cute facial expression that you have going on, but it doesn't indicate how you feel about me. Which ultimately makes it the most likely of the three scenarios as you would probably just let me down nicely and tell me that there are better guys out there than you.

Do you know what? Version 3 You may be right. There may be someone out there for me better-suited to dating me than you ever will be. But that doesn't stop how I feel, and that is that I like you. I don't want to say love, I truly don't know what love is (see: multiple other rants in which I talk about love) and, to be honest, I am not entirely sure that anyone does.

I throw around the word "love" on a regular basis, but I have a limited understanding of its definition. I understand its platonic definition: platonic love to me is a strong bond between friends and family, platonic love to me is understanding one another. However, ask me to describe romantic love and you would have to leave me for a couple of minutes to come up with an answer. But I am going to try and tell you what I think it is.

Romantic Love: romantic love is strong affection for another person, so strong that it would push you to do anything for them. for example, lay your coat on the ground for them to sit on, leaving somewhere a little bit early just to see them for as long as you can. romantic love is sacrifice, but it is also passion, grace, kindness. romantic love, darling, is powerful enough to make people cross oceans for their love, they would do anything for them.

So, my friend, I am not denying my romantic attraction towards you. I am merely informing you of it before it manifests into love: something that I know that I am not mature enough to know what to do with.

All my heart,
Zoe

"The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love. I require so much!" - Marianne Dashwood, Sense and Sensibility (Jane Austen)