LOST

Chapter 6

I sat there for minutes without saying anything. "Delia misses you." I said finally, which was stupid. "I'm sure she will visit you today. Liam misses you too, he's still my best friend. Nothing really changed in our neighborhood, it's still boring and ugly. And Zayn... he misses you, sometimes I even think he misses you more than anyone else, he's not showing it but I know he does. You know your son, he always hides his feelings. He was sleeping when I left but we both know he will be here tonight." I pressed my lips together. Zayn was always visiting our mum at nights, after everyone, I knew he was doing this to be alone here, just like my reason to come here so early, before everyone. I wanted to talk to her alone. 

"I miss you mum." I said, my voice sounded like a whisper then I lost it. There was wet spots on my dress, caused by my tears, I placed my hand on the marble and tried to breath. I had to hold my urge to sob out loud, because I knew it would only make her sad, I had to contain myself, but I couldn't. "I miss you so much and I can't even get into your room. It's been two years and I'm still not strong enough to face your memories. Because those are just memories and it reminds me that there would be no new one. Those are the only memories I had with you and I can't stand it, I'm still waiting to hear your voice, waking up to your voice every morning..." My voice was shaking just like my hands, I took a deep breath and wiped my wet cheeks. "I'm so tired, I feel like I'm not enough, I can't be you even if I try so hard I just can't... Dad's gone, Zayn is working in somewhere I don't even know and I feel like losing him... He's being different lately and I can't even handle the thought of losing him... I hate my job, I hate that I can't afford university, I hate living in this small bubble, seeing same faces and doing same things every single day. I'm so tired, I just wish you were here..." 

Then I cried, I cried and cried like babies for an hour. I knew it was only making her sad seeing me like this but it felt good. I felt like the poison that was inside of me was finally leaving. I felt a little more free, even better. I was feeling weak, but stronger at the same time. I was so busy with all the things that was happening and I felt like I forgot that I was still just a little girl who needed a mother. And my mothers grave was the only place that made me feel like a child again. 

***

I was walking back home, feeling lighter. My thoughts were cleaner as I took slow steps towards my house. Then I saw something that made my eyes go wide, the black car. It was a surprise to me because it'd been a week since I last saw Harry and it was the night he came here to talk to me. Niall was back and taking Zayn to work for the last whole week, even if I wondered why Harry was not coming anymore, I didn't ask anything to Zayn. He was probably coming only because Niall was out of town and now he was back. But he was here now. The car was empty as I walked past it, so he was inside waiting for my brother and  Zayn was late as always. 

I opened the door with my keys and slowly walked in. I could hear Zayn's sleepy voice coming from the kitchen as I slowly made my way there after taking my coat off. "That's bullshit." he said. "Louis was there too, he saw it." 

"You should talk to him today." I heard the deep familiar voice, his tone was serious, almost angry. "He's waiting and-"

"Anne?" Harry's words were interrupted by a topless Zayn, he was leaning against the counter and drinking coffee, his eyes found me, I was standing at the door. I cursed myself for not hiding in the hall and listening what they were talking about, why couldn't I think about it a minute earlier, because I was an idiot, there was no other explanation. "You're early."

Harry's back was turned to me, he was sitting on a chair and I had to admit the fact that his back was looking really masculine with the black t shirt he was wearing. "Yeah." I mumbled and walked in. Harry turned to his left to see me, but being the anxious little idiot I was, I didn't look back at him. I would if Zayn wasn't here, I felt like I was doing something wrong when I was around both of them at the same time.