The diary

The diary 5 - The cheating wife

Ours had been a love cum arranged marriage. We had met through our parents and had fallen in love and then gotten married. The early years were blissful. We got along well, traveled where we could and had a really good life. We both were doing well in our careers and got along too. Then as in every Indian marriage, some years down the line,a kid is expected. Despite trying many times, we could not get a kid. After getting both of us checked, it was diagnosed that my wife could not conceive a child. She was devastated. She left her job and started staying home. She became reclusive. That period was really hard for her. I was beside her throughout the tough phase. My parents told me to marry again, but I stood by my wife. Solid as an immovable mountain. I tried to be as available to her as I could be. My wife had retreated into a shell. But with time she saw that not having a kid did not matter to me much. Slowly but surely, she came out of her shell. She started talking more and was returning to her earlier self. Our relationship returned to normal , but had somehow lost that earlier spark. Still I did all I could and was hopeful about the future.

I started focusing on work and my wife slowly started teaching and volunteered at a nearby orphanage. Gradually my workload was increasing and my wife was involved with her activities. It was not as if we did not talk. But I could sense that my wife was growing distant. I thought it was another phase of life and kept on with my work.

Over the years I had been hit on by my female colleagues and even a few female friends. But always from my side it had been a polite but firm no. If I had married one woman, I shall be with her. Only her. I had known that I would never cheat and neither would my wife. Well the latter proved to be wrong.

As the months rolled by I had thought that I would work for some more months and then hang up my boots. I shall be there for my wife and even participate in her activities. We had more than enough money due to my wife's savings and my profitable investments over the years. We could lead a comfortable life. I was waiting for an opportunity to talk to my wife about it. Sadly that was not what fate had intended.

As I was reminiscing about our life, the sun came out and I realized I had been sitting in the balcony the whole night. The next thought further depressed me. What next?

I had always believed in my career, my work and my wife. My love for her was unquestionable. But now I had lost all respect for her. Could she not have talked to me? Why did she do it? Once you are cheated upon you feel as if your whole life has been a lie. I always think it is better to end things and to not carry a lie forward. I was feeling as if I had lived a hoax. Nothing can be more demeaning or cause you to question your own self-worth than a cheated upon partner. What could I do to mend my heart? I had built my career and my life for the both of us. If she did not value it, what was the use of it all? What was the point? I did not know. But I wanted to get away from it all. This life had lost its meaning.

I remember I showered, I ate two pieces of bread and had some tea. I literally forcefully gulped down the food and again went into thinking mode. A call came from the reception desk of the hotel. I told them that I was extending the stay at the hotel. My train of thoughts started further.

Having calmed down I asked myself again. Do I want to go back to my life? My wife? The answer was a resounding no. Did I want to run away? The instant answer was yes. But where? What could I do? As I was thinking this I remembered a dear friend who was always one of the weird types. I had met him sometime back and he had just returned from an ashram. That fellow had volunteered at the ashram for 2 years of his life! I needed some peace after this hurricane. I needed some alone time. So the thought sounded appealing and not so bad after all. I had never been spiritual much. But I knew I could trust my friend. I went down the hotel to the nearest phone booth and called him up. I strangely remembered his number and punched it in.

To my surprise he picked it up on a single ring. After the round of small talk, I asked whether he was free that evening. And so we met that evening at a popular cafe. He heard my story. He begged me to not take such a drastic step. He begged me to reconsider. But I was adamant and had made up my mind. Seeing this he arranged for my stay at the ashram then and there. He said I could stay there for two years and it would be extended if I wanted to. The ashram was in a really obscure place in the northern states in between the hills with little outside contact. I made a request to him to keep our meeting secret and he gave me his word. I hugged and thanked him for being so helpful and left. I had some matters to take care of.

The first thing I did was destroy my SIM card and throw away my phone. I went and brought many blank pages and envelopes. I went to my hotel room and wrote two letters. One to my parents and one to my wife. I explained everything to my parents and made them the sole owner of my assets. I also mentioned that after their death everything shall go to my wife to do with what she pleased. I apologized to them and hoped that she would understand. My next letter to my wife was a simple one. I just said that she could have everything she wanted. She was free from me and that I shall always love her. I warned her to not try and trace me and that even if she did, she would not find me. That was it. I had nothing else to say. Writing this, I slept.

The next morning I checked myself out of the hotel and posted the letters. I called up my friend and thanked him again. Next I went to the station and boarded my train. The train that would take me to the ashram. The train which would be a start in my quest for peace.

I have been living in this ashram ever since. It has become my home. I do not know how long I shall live here. But one thing is certain. I have no regrets. I am happier, more peaceful and a better person here in this place which offers me solitude. I write when I can,I take part in the ashram activities and am totally cut off from my earlier world. Do I still think of my wife and family? Everyday. Do I miss them? Without a doubt. But the heart break that life gave me was too much for me to handle. No one contacted me so I guess my friend kept his vow of secrecy. I just wonder sometimes. Even though I stood by my wife in all her dark years, why did she do it? Maybe someday I shall go back and face her. Maybe not. I do not know. But that act freed me from the clutches of society and gave me my present life. And I am not regretting it.

I sometimes think whether it was right of me to disappear like that. Without a trace. But I realize that that is what my heart wanted at that time. Nothing wrong with that.

I always hope that my wife, parents and friends are good where they are. They are leading comfortable and happy lives and have learnt to live without me. I hope someday I shall meet them all. In this life or the next. But not yet. Not yet...