crush » [n. horan au]

diary entry #17

friday, september 13th @ 20:54

                it's niall's birthday today. i went to visit him at the hospital. he told me he was okay, but i didn't believe him. i started crying again and i told him i was sorry. he hugged me again.

                then, he told me why he hates himself. he feels like none of his friends really like him, his family hates him, and no one will ever like him. he thinks that he's going to die alone. so, he wanted it to be sooner rather than later. he hates the way he looks, he hates his eyes and lips and nose and hair. he hates his teeth because they're crooked.

                i started crying again.

                how could have i been so clueless? i told him that all those things made him unique and beautiful to me. i told him that his friends wouldn't be going around school looking like zombies if they didn't like him, i told him that his parents wouldn't be out in the waiting room crying their eyes out if they hated him, i told him that he's beautiful. that he'll find love one day. i told him that i think his eyes and lips and nose and hair and teeth were perfect.

                and then, i kissed him, and he kissed me back and it felt amazing. i don't regret it.

                he told me that no one would care about him for the rest of his life. i told him that i would. i told him that i like him again. and you know what he said? he said that i'm only saying that because i don't want him to die, because that would be horrible. well, he doesn't know that i've been in love with him all year long.

                and that's why i'm bringing this diary to him tomorrow, i'm going to let him read all of my entries since february, i wanna show him how much i care.

                i wanna show him how much i love him.

                                                                                                                                                        - cassie