wowza april 15th is goners one year
its rainy today
the medication is supposed to start working now but im not sure i feel a difference
is there something wrong with me?
its monday, the slowest day of them all. Frank is staying home today cause he doesnt feel well so im walking alone to school
one foot after the other
just
breathe
-
the day went by faster than i thought. pete was nice as always, josh was charming as always
something feels different
like shift, not like the medication or my mood. its still all the same as always
but a shift in josh
its like he smiles brighter, laughs harder, his eyes are like dark paradise.
i decide not to walk home right away, just to walk around the neighbourhood first.
its like ive fallen for josh all over again he seemed so different yet the same. just everything is better. his voice still the same but it sounds so sweet. his words still the same but sound so interesting. everything was all the same but enhanced
he means so much to me. he reminded me to keep my dreams alive. i used to want to die before i really got the chance to live
but maybe ill stay for him
but the thing is when i thought i failed he was still here
waiting patiently and never left my side
maybe i should think twice about my whole suicide plan
maybe i should get rid of my suicide note
hes so perfect in everyway possible. I really appreciate that boy and i guess i dont tell him that enough
maybe i should do something for him.
what would i do im not creative or romatic in any way
maybe i could write him a song
-
i strumed some chords on the ukelele
"yeah" i said writing down the melody
i kept going
"yeah. yeah. yeah!" it sounded good so far.
i put it down and layed across the bed thinking of lyrics. how could i tell him what he means to me?
frank knocks on the door and lets himself in
"what are you playing?" he sits down on the end of my bed "it sounds good"
"something for josh" i look up at his dorky smile
"awh thats adorable you two are so in love"
"i would say lo-"
"but youve said that to him before?"
"yeah but we were talking a while ago and loves a big deal y'know?" he nods "maybe we were going too fast. maybe we just loved the idea of being in love"
"thats deep." he raises his eyebrows
i shrug "so how are things with gerard"
he flops down on the bed
"wonderful! hes so perfect and lovely and cute and amazing and just all the good things someone can be thats him."
"if anything it sounds like you are in love." i smirk
"maybe" he pauses looking up at the ceiling "i just dont have words for him. hes such an angel i dont deserve him"
"but you do! you guys are so perfect for each other" i sat up cross-legged
"you think so?"
"yeah. i mean you should see the way you guys look at each other, and talk about each other when the other isnt around"
hes blushing now. he liked gerard so much sometimes he wont shut up about it
but maybe thats love
"are you feeling better" i ask
"i guess. im gonna take a nap though, gerards coming over later" he says getting up
"nice"
"yea" he says leaving the door then turning around "josh should come over too. like a double date but not really cause were just hanging out"
-
i look back at the song ive just finished
he probably hates you he probably wants to break up
he cant let me have nice things. or feel nice ways
after you show him this itll be awkward cause clearly you guys feel two very different ways
you dont deserve him anyway
i shake my head and try to ignore him. at first it doesnt work
then it does
*drops very unsubtle hints* any guesses what the song for josh is??
also sorry for the very slow updates/ very long break thank you for putting up with me.
