i have therapy tonight but i feel like shit and dont wanna move. i got no sleep last night but when do i ever get sleep anyway? ugh i just want this to be over
"come on were gonna be late" frank said walking past my room and down the stairs.
i slowly got my bag and went downstairs. i woke up at 3am after an hour sleep and got ready then, so ive literally been ready since 3 in the morning
frank made himself toast and offered to make me some but i refused, i didnt have breakfast but i rarely do before school. he asked if i was okay i said yes. he knew i was lying and he knew i knew that, but didnt say anything else and didnt bring up last night. he knew id bring it up when i was ready
-
"hey" pete smiled at me in the hall as joshua and i aimlessly wandered around the school, it was lunch and we had time to kill
"hey" i said exhausted
"hi" josh smiled
"so uh i was wondering if you guys wanted to hang out tonight?"
"yeah that'd be cool" josh said nodding
"sure" i shrugged
"so where are you guys going?"
"just wandering" josh said as pete nodded quietly
"cool" he sighed "sorry if im like intruding or anything-"
"youre not dont worry, so when should we be at your house tonight?" josh asked.
"maybe we could just meet by the front after school and walk there?"
"sounds good" josh smiled
"okay" i said quietly, my voice washed out by their chatter i wasnt paying attention to
everything sounded like it was underwater
-
"hey ty" pete said looking up from his phone
"hey" i tried to smile at him
"wheres josh?"
"his grandma is in town and he cant hang out. i still can though if its okay?"
"yeah thats cool"
the walk to petes house was sort of quiet
"so.." i said in the awkward silence
"sorry about what happened you know the whole calling your boyfriend hot"
"its fine" i chuckled a bit "i mean he is pretty hot"
pete just nodded not knowing what to say next
"so howd you meet brendon and josh?"
"oh well im new and had brendon in my class before lunch, he ran into josh in the hall where i met him, then you."
"sweet"
we got to his house and just kinna awkwardly sat in his basement for a few minutes
"cool painting" i said looking at a painting on the wall im not even sure how to describe
"thanks"
followed by more awkward silence
"so brendon was talking about this guy in class" pete said breaking the silence
i just nodded
"he said he loved him so i kinna already knew he was gay but not the point"
"oh god" i said under my breath so quietly i didnt even hear it
"i forget the guys name but thats when he mentioned you apparently you guys are like best friends and are starting a band? thats really cool what instruments do you play? i know we talked about how i play bass but i didnt know you did music too?"
"the guys name was ryan and yeah we were gonna start a band and i play mainly ukelele and bass."
"thats really cool. you should play for me sometime, why arent you guys starting a band anymore?"
i just looked at him blankly
i would have thought brendon would have mentioned that he died or something?? am i not supposed to tell him? fuck.
he tilted his head a bit waiting for an answer
"um.. we.. just couldnt anymore" i said nodding a bit satisfied with my answer
"what do you mean"
"ryan just.. couldnt.. he.... uh"
"im confused"
"ryans dead." i looked down at my lap
petes eyes widened and he readjusted how he sat
"oh. i didnt know im sorry"
"no. its okay"
"uh" he scrambled for something to say to change the topic "wanna get something to eat?"
i didnt want to but i wanted to stop talking about ryan "yeah"
-
petes mom made spaghetti we sat on the basement floor eating the pasta when i spilled an entire fork full of it onto my sweater
"fuck"
"oh shit ill go get you a paper towel" pete stood up and ran upstairs
i took off my sweater and laid it beside me, pete came back and helped me get the spaghetti sauce off my sweater
i just kept it beside me on the floor cause i didnt feel like wearing a sweater that smelt like spaghetti and had a wet spot from my clumsy spill.
we finished eating and talked some more at this point it was around 3:50
pete was showing me something he wrote on bass and handed it to me and asked if i could play something. i took it and played something for him, it didnt have a name yet and i doubt it ever will.
"youre really good at playing damn," pete said, his eyebrows raising. for some reason he was impressed
"thanks youre really good too" i was starting to let my guard down and was getting a bit more conformable with pete
i handed him the bass with a small smile, i was happy i made a friend. he took back the bass and glanced at my wrist. at that moment i regretted not putting my wet spaghetti sweater back on when i had the chance
"are you okay man?" he asked while hanging the instrument back on the wall
"y-yeah why" i picked up my sweater and put it back on
"your wrist i-"
"its nothing" i said panicking
"are you sure?"
"yes!" i nodded forcefully
"tyler."
i looked around the room in defeat
"whyd you cut yourself?"
then my alarm went off on my phone to get ready to go to therapy which is at 4:30
"welp i gotta go to therapy now thanks pete for having me over i should get going" i stood up and started going to the stairs
"im sorry tyler, ill see you tomorrow"
"yup ill see you then!"
i went home put on a clean sweater and went to therapy.
what. a. mess.
