Antichrist [m.h. AU]

Epilogue

Matty.

"It was really hard to sit down next to the grave of someone you intended to marry. It was even worse when all the flowers decorating it reminded you of the ones you should've bought her. The ground was freshly dug, I could easily take the tombstone out of the soil if I wanted. My chest hurt.

For some reason I just wanted to lay with her....As if it was old times when she used to curl up next to me. She could hear the race of my heart every time. I fell for this innocent, unlucky, girl. I seemed so dazed when I looked into her eyes and now all I can look at is some hole in the ground that she seemed to rest so peacefully in. It fucking killed me.

Something that really burrowed in the back of my mind was that I shouldn't have tried to leave her when times were rough. For fucks sake I tried killing myself, while she laid in a hospital bed, dying. She was the one to go first?! Why not me? Me, after all that I've done to people, and the fucked up things I would do. Just to be happy. It was like I was knocking on hells gates, begging to come inside. Still, she went first.

As if suicide wasn't enough, it just had to be cancer? Or the terrible brain damaged she seemed to encounter with so many times? Even the seizures could've got to her."

The soil beneath me was damp and decorated in flowers. Part of the moisture from the rain, and my tears. Sam had been waiting for me in the car, like usual. She and I seeming to come closer since Violet had been gone. Like we were the only two people who really understood what she went through.

I took ahold of the little clump of flowers resting gently in the dirty and wiped my eyes, straightened my back, and tried to smile. Part of me told myself to not hold onto her death for the rest of my life. That I would need to look past it eventually and actually live my life. Or at least try to, because things looked grim since this has happened. My apartment feels a lot bigger, like there is too much space around me. Ordon and Jaz just lay around with heavy eyes because they too have realized Violet's absence. It was killing everyone around me, and me being in this terrible kind state killed them too. Everyone told me they just wanted me to be happy, that's all I strive for anymore because what else is gonna make the world turn?

"Matty we should get going..." Sam called from the car as I started to recollect myself enough to stand. Looking down at her one last time before I convinced myself to walk away and get in the car. The heat was on, it felt far more freezing outside to me than I thought but maybe that was just the sadness rising. Buckling up Adam drove quietly back to my flat, the music lightly snoozing on the radio being the only sound between us. Things were tense yet again. "I'm so proud of you." She commented as we pulled in front of my home...my lonely dark cave of a house.

"I was so proud of her." I mumbled feeling tears bubble at my eyes again but I clamped them shut and tried my best to hold it back. There was no reason to cry every ten minutes. People knew I'm stronger than that. "She deserves every luxury in wherever her spirit goes. After all that she's been through the troubles and stresses....She lived life to her fullest capability, and I adored every life she made. I know I never said anything about her family, or her personal scars every time she blinked. The things she would see in the darkness of her own mind. She thought she deserved all of it. And for fucks sake she didn't. All I've really gotta say by now....is may God rest her soul."