Stop. Think. Breathe.

Diary entry number One.

There's no words to be said.
No hugs that can be shared, no prayers that need given.
No medicine to completely cure.
In these moments there is only darkness overcoming hearts. Only silence in the air and raw pain shooting in the body.
It's the aftermath of all this that matters most.
It's what then either makes or breaks ones will,
Will to survive.
They don't understand and that's okay. No one ever does. It's not because they don't want to or don't try to understand, it's because they simply don't.
It isn't their fault.
There is an old saying though.
"Before you judge me, walk a mile in my shoes."
Or something or another like this.
Have they?
Have they walked or do walk every single day in your shoes?
Do they know how you feel every minute of every hour in the day?
Do they see through your eyes and see all the upsets that you do?
No.
They don't see the every day challenges you face just to make it one more day. They don't even see the pain not just mentally but physically that you deal with to just get out of bed every morning.
Sure everyone has their own difficulties to deal with, not saying they don't. Just stating a fact that not all situations, not even two situations of any kind are the same. They have fought or maybe still fighting their own personal battle that we have no idea about.
The WORST thing a person can say is
"I understand what you're going through. I do."
They know NOTHING.
They say they do. They just don't want you to feel alone. This world can be such a cruel and cold-hearted place. They want you to know you have someone in your corner. It only makes it worse. It only makes anger grow in the hearts of those they try to protect because in reality how do you know?
HOW DO YOU KNOW!
How do you know what I feel, what I do and what I think?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?! Because it's not what I do. You don't know what goes on in my head. You don't know how many hours I l've spent crying myself to sleep at night!
You don't know that the simplest decisions, the best dreams and moments I have is when I think of a new way I would die.
If I wasn't here.
If I took one too many pills.
If I drank my liver to dust.
If I sped too fast trying to cross the tracks before the moving train.
Do you know how that feels?!
Tell me you understand when it feels like just standing there is like people poking and prodding at your skin with needles. Asking if you're okay, if you slept, are you going to wake up today, if you took a pill that day.
Tell me you understand what's it's like to have people invade your personal space to criticize your every move and tell you what you need to be doing differently.
YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND... and you keep acting like you do or that our feelings and situations are the same and THEY AREN'T.

All you can do is stay silent.
You appreciate their effort in trying to understand and help.
It just makes it worse. I wouldn't wish this pain, this heartache and headache on my worst enemy.
Please do not tell me you understand the personal pain and state that I am in that makes me question my own life and well being. If you did, if you really understood you would share in my silence. You would know there's nothing left to say.
Nothing one person says is going to change the hours and years spent of my mind and body destroying itself from the inside out.

They don't understand and that's okay.

Allow me to explain a little of my pain.
The simplest things in life that made me smile and laugh no longer cause a reaction.
They can't even begin to make you feel anything inside. It's like you are sitting there, strapped down unable to move.
Your body is restless and in your mind you are screaming, fighting to move even just one finger but can't. Your body is trying so hard to not shut down.
The room maybe silent but inside your head you are as if someone is trying to drag you away kicking and screaming for help, crying. It's a personal hell you can't come out of. Your mind is working so hard begging for help. Working overtime to just think of one reason, one good solid reason to keep on going. It hurts. It is real, it is raw and painful. It will make you question everything in your life.
It happens all the time at the worst of times. It happens even doing things you used to enjoy or even sitting in a crowded room and you've never felt so alone. Even just sitting there you are so tired. Tired and literally can't find an ounce of energy to even stand up or lay down.
In your mind you are moving but in reality your soul is trapped. Weighted down like a prisoner. It's like dead weight keeping you down that NO ONE can help you lift off for a breath of air. You have to go it alone. You have to think of that solid reason. Somewhere, someway you have to find a reason to keep fighting or you will lose it for good.
It doesn't just get better as time goes on. You learn to tolerate it more and more and NO ONE should have to learn to do that, no one should be used to the mental state that depression and anxiety puts them in. I don't wish this on anyone!
I can't speak for everyone or anyone but personally this is what it's like for me.
It's like I am laying on my back on the cold cement. There are people around me. Two people on each of my sides are placing their knees into my shoulders with their hands pushing my chest down on the ground. They are using all their weight to keep me down as another person places a cloth on my face. Holding it roughly pushed against my sensitive skin another pours water over my face.
I am drowning.
My bodies adrenaline and survival instincts begin to kick in as I'm gasping for air. My legs kicking against the cement ground. My hands turning beat red from smacking down repeatedly. All of this except it doesn't end. I continue to be in this state hour after hour, day after day. I never just close my eyes and give in. It would be so peaceful to just die already but that would be too easy. My body and mind chose to let me suffer all the pain, never ending.
Do you know what that feels like?
Stop.
Think
of your one good solid reason
and choose to
Breathe.