Saviour of the Broken

[I've Only Felt Religion When I've Lied With You]

"I don't believe in man, God nor Devil. I hate the whole damned human race, including myself... I preyed upon the weak, the harmless and the unsuspecting. This lesson I was taught by others: Might makes right." - Carl Panzram (serial killer on the east coast in the early 1900s who claimed to have murdered 21 people and sodomized 1,000 boys/men . 1819-1930.)

Religion was always a tough subject for me. Or rather an untouchable, unspeakable, non-negotiable subject for me. I never wanted to talk about it, because what difference does it make? I'm still just as fucked up either way you wanna look at it. I have no real morals, I have no love for humanity or the waste that it spits out into the streets, and I sure as hell don't have any belief in fairy tales. I was raised in a Roman Catholic household by my overly-religious mother who, honestly, couldn't have cared less if I'd just killed over one day. I didn't exactly have the best experience with religion growing up, but the older I got and the more I saw the true colours of the world, the more I saw what utter fallacy religion was. It blew my mind completely how anyone could be dumb enough to believe in shit like that. I mean sure, to each his own, but I decided real fast that that shit just wasn't for me.

One night Gee and I were laying in bed on our backs just staring at the ceiling fan and watching it go around and around. We were both exhausted and silent due to the various amours activities of the night. Gee finally spoke up with a question he often enjoyed asking and I often enjoyed not answering.

"Do you believe in God, Frankie?"

"You know my answer to that, love."

"But, Frankie! 'It doesn't matter' isn't an answer."

"It is if I say it is."

"Please, Frankie? I just wanna know."

Gerard had always been on this shit. Every once in awhile, when he thought he could catch me off guard after sex, he'd ask me if I believed in a god. The answer to that was very plain and simple, but I still, to this day, don't see why it matters. What difference does it make? I'm still the same person either way. Being part of a religious group doesn't make you any more of a human being than anyone else on the planet. I never have understood that concept. My mother judged the hell out of me, she hated the very thought of my existence, she all but called an exorcist on me, and if it wasn't one of the ten commandments, she would have probably murdered me herself. Yet, she still saw herself as a good person because she believed in god. I don't have a single religious fibre in my body, I lost my faith in that utter bullshit years ago. Although, I guess you could say, that in some way, Gee restored my faithless self, because I found religion, but not in some bearded bastard just waiting to doom us all to hell for laughing at old people. No. My religion is the beautiful boy lying beneath me, begging me with his every breath to pin him down and destroy him. My religion is the beautiful boy who smiles up from his work on a bloody corpse with such pride and anticipation in his eyes and blood smeared across his face, just waiting for me to approve of his masterpiece. My religion is the boy afraid of nothing, who can bring a man to his knees, begging for mercy, with only his words. My religion is that beautiful boy who stole my cold, beating heart straight from my chest and hasn't given it back since. My religion is simply Gerard Arthur Way. Though he will always say that I saved him, it's always been the other way around. And if there ever was or is a god, I know what he feels like. Every time I'm sweaty and strung out above that boy, with my back arched and my hands around his neck, and his eyes are rolled to the back of his skull and he's moaning my name, I feel like a fucking god. The power, the control, the lust. It all consumes me up until the very end. I have never in my life experienced the feeling I get when I'm with him. He's all I need, all I'll ever need.

"No. I don't, Gee. You know this."

"I just wanted a definite answer."

"Well, there you go. Happy now?"

"Why not?"

"What?"

"Why don't you believe?"

"Fuck, Gerard. Why do we have to get into this shit right now? Can't I just enjoy my post-orgasmic haze without Jesus?"

"I just wanna know, Frankie."

"Alright, listen good, kid, because this is the one and only time I'm ever explaining this. No, I don't believe in a god. Why? Because I believe in science and logic. Religion is not logical. I believe that back in the day people wanted an explanation for everything they were experiencing and when the science of the times couldn't explain it, they made up some fairy tale shit to make them feel better about things they couldn't understand. Then, it just got carried on and evolved as the times changed. It turned from explaining things like how the earth was made to explain why the plague had to happen or to make people feel better about burning people alive just because they were acting funky one day. People use religion as a crutch to be assholes. And I'm not even going to get into the plot holes of the bible stories and shit. I just don't get it how people could be so brainwashed that they don't even think twice about what they're doing. Yeah let's pray and devote our lives to something that will also kill off our family members, cause us extreme suffering, and damn us to an afterlife of eternal pain if we so much as lie, but don't worry as long as you kiss ass, you can get back into the clouds. Fuck that shit. So, there you go, Gee. That's my opinion."

"Thanks, Frankie."

"For what?"

"Finally answering me." I couldn't help but chuckle at him. He was appeased by the simplest of things sometimes.

"Well, you're welcome."

We were silent for some time just laying curled up together and thinking back on the words I had just said. That's how I'd always felt even though I was raised differently by my mother. I always questioned everything, but she never gave me answers. She would always tell me "we aren't supposed to question god, Frank." Well, why the fuck not, huh? It didn't matter now though, because I don't live by any rules; I live for me, myself, and I (And maybe Gerard. Definitely Gerard.).

I turned my head to face where Gerard, who was now curled into my side. I nosed at his neck, planting small, soft kisses there.

"You know she said I was possessed by the devil himself?"

Gerard let out a small giggle and leaned up to look me in the eyes.

"She didn't!" He said still not 100% believing me.

"She did! I swear! She threatened to call the priest to exorcise me!" That threw him into a fit of giggles. He flopped on his back laughing. I couldn't help but laugh along with him. Partly because of how ridiculous my mother had been and partly because his laugh was so damn contagious. I rolled over on top of him and continued with my lazy kisses in between laughing. He eventually calmed down enough to speak without interruption again and threaded his fingers through my hair.

"Mmm. So, Frankie, does that mean that I've been fucking with the devil all this time?"

"Damn right."

Even though the both of us were trying to be completely serious, we both cracked and ended up laughing harder than before. Moments like these were few and far between and I ate them up whenever they made their appearance. Gee's job was to laugh and cut up and act like a child, mine was to be strong and stoic and take care of everything, so when we both kinda let loose and took a moment to just laugh with one another and break through those roles we had built for ourselves, life didn't seem so fucked up.