ill // phan au

t h i r t e e n

"I'm sorry."

I shook my head slowly. "you don't have to apologize, you're going through a rough time."

phil let out a sigh and lay on my bed.

a two days passed and chris had just let him out of the galaxy room, finally letting me talk to him without phil losing it.

I hadn't realized how bad phil got when angry and the fact that what I saw wasn't "bad" as chris told me did scare and worry me. I was glad phil was back though and it was a little past midnight as we spoke again in my room.

"you can't be this kind to me," phil mumbled. "you shouldn't have to deal with me. I didn't want you to see me like that and I didn't want you to find out I messed up with the, uh, cuts."

"I won't treat you any differently, we're all struggling here. I'm surprised about the..." I hated saying it, thinking of it, especially after seeing his face when he found me dying from the bathtub.

his face, his scream, the way he reacted, those were all things that were now engraved in my mind.

"I'm sorry I did it. I wasn't thinking." he whispered, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"please try to not do it again." I pleaded.

"I won't."

silence fell between us and I glanced up at phil to see him gazing out the window, lost in thought.

he almost looked like he was in a scene of a sad movie as the slight light the moon was giving off shone on his face, bringing out his eyes.

"thank you." he said quietly as his eyes flickered onto me.

"for what?"

"for making me feel better. I know I'm not the greatest person around but thank you for staying anyways."

I gave him a small smile. "I think you're an amazing person."

he seemed to be hiding his smile but I could see the smile on his lips when he turned his face away.

"you're a nerd," phil teased and I could feel my smile get bigger.

"alright, but you're liking the harry potter series, aren't you?"

"it is a world of magic, how am I expected to not like it?"

I laughed as he sat up, moving over a little and patting the space beside him.

I sat next to him and he reached for my hand, intertwining our fingers.

my stomach flipped as our skin made contact and I felt my face become hot as I watched our hands.

"you really do make me want to protect you at all costs," phil mumbled.

I could feel my heart begin to beat faster and I wanted to stop it but I also kind of liked the exciting and stupidly giddy feeling it was giving me.

"you're blushing," he told me with a chuckle as he placed his other hand on my cheek and I knew my face was probably only getting more red.

"are you going to comment every time I blush?" I said jokingly.

"if you're always going to look this cute blushing then I just might," he replied and laughed quietly as I wrinkled my nose.

"well, you're touching me, how am I not supposed to blush?" I retorted and he raised an eyebrow, giving me a sly grin to which I shook my head quickly.

"that it not what I meant!"

he laughed again, sticking out his tongue from between his teeth.

he's adorable.

sure.

"are you inviting me to touch you, howell?" he asked playfully and I rolled my eyes, smiling.

"yes, please, touch me," I joked.

he giggled and softly kissed me, taking me by surprise but of course, my immediate reaction was to kiss him back.

I didn't know if the feeling I got when our lips touched was something I would ever get used to but I also hoped I'd feel like this every time I did kiss him.

he placed a kiss on my cheek and pulled my into his arms, kissing my hair and holding me tightly.

I could go on for ages about how safe I felt at that very moment, in his arms with no worries or doubts. it was just him and me, sat on my bed as the moonlight shone through the window.

when people tell you that home is in someone's arms, you could easily get confused. how could someone's arms possibly be home?

I get it now. I didn't even feel at home in my own house but sitting in between phil's legs with his arms wrapped around me, talking about good childhood memories, I felt at home and home was nice, safe, cozy and a place I could be myself without having to worry about anything.

***

"alyssa, you're perfect the way you are and you should eat to maintain your health, all right?" chris was saying to alyssa, who was staring at her food with empty eyes.

I could never understand how chris could be so kind to everyone, no matter how difficult they were or how he was feeling but he did make it a lot easier to be in this hospital and with some encouragement, alyssa began to eat her food, slowly but she was eating and chris gave her a warm smile and told her she was doing a great job.

"where is pj?" I whispered to phil.

"it's not my place to say anything about him, I've said that," phil answered and gave me an apologetic look.

"I don't understand, he and chris were close but something happens and apparently he's still here but no one ever sees him-" I began saying and phil placed a hand over mind to stop me.

"chris is having a hard time too, I think it would be better if you waited for him to tell you rather than trying to get caught up and question him."

I knew it would have been more appropriate for me to stay out and like phil said, wait for him to tell me but my curiosity always did get the best of me and every time I looked at chris, I wondered why he's here and how he got here.

"you guys are on your own for a few minutes, I'll be checking on pj," chris said and as everyone else got to their feet to leave the cafeteria, I made my way to him and tugged on his sleeve slightly.

"can I join you?"

*****

wOoAaAaaaAAAHHHH UPDATES

helloooooo i didn't take a month to update hallelujah

i still took a bit but that's fiNeeeee

how are you all what's new what's up how's it going

i hope you're all doing alright and i also hope you enjoyed this lil update i'm sOrry they're shOrt iM bAd aT tHiS

but aNyways for now i must skedaddle as i should be asleep sO

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