Diary of a girl with feelings

A pencil and a piece of paper

Dear Diary,

I have never thought I'd write those words ever again. It's a typical Monday night. Quiet. My little brother and sister are already laying in bed. Dreaming. I kind of miss being a kid. You know? No worries. No responsibilities. Jumping in bed. Hugging a teddybear. Falling asleep to the soft sounds of cars driving outside. My mom is probably on her phone texting someone. I feel dirty.... Not like I'm dirty. I showerd after kickbox practice. These past days have been hard for me. I need to eat more which is really hard. Today I ate a little more than usual and now I feel dirty, fat. If my mom wasn't home I would spit it out. I feel empty. I'm used to that feeling now. It doesn't scare me anymore. I feel it 24/7. Like it's a part of me. It feels like everything is in slowmotion. School feels like a battle you know you're gonna lose. You already gave up. You already surrendered, but he has no mercy.

It doesn't really matter to you anymore. If you're failing at everything the whole time then why would you bother to still stress about it? Why would you waste your tears? I hate the feeling. Feeling empty all the time. I'm pretty sure i'm half dead. Let's take a look inside my head. We're pretending someone has an axe and smashes it into my head. I see grey walls, and there's this dark corner. If you walk a little closer you can see a girl. She's shaking and crying. She holds her knees towards her chest. She's scared. She hopes everything will get better, just like in the movies. But it feels unrealistic to me. Everything turning out just fine sounds like...... suddenly 1 + 1 is 3. It sounds like bullshit. I can't even imagine what that would be like. Me being happy. Dancing around. Nope doesn't work.... Or is it possible? That 1 + 1 is 3? That the whole universe made a mistake? That the population of 7 billion people made a mistake? Is there a little bit of hope? Everything sucks . I don't want this anymore. Living like this feels like torture. Like everything is okay. Putting a mask on every single day. I don't know what to do. Help me.

"It's funny how artistic we become when our hearts are broken." 

note:

Hey everyone. i'm sorry if i made spelling errors. English isn't my first language. i hope you liked it. the stuff in this book may be disturbing for some of y'all so if you're not into that then don't read it. I'm gonna post once in a while. it depends on how many reads my stuff is gonna get. if you have requests for another book or so then feel free to send me a message. if you have problems with anything send me a message and we can talk ;) . I hope you have a great day!

 -Girl with feelings