All You Had To Do Was Stay

18. Alone

"Even if you go for it and it
Doesn't work out, you still
Win. You still had the guts
Enough to head straight into
Something that frightened
You. That type of bravery
Will take you places." 

-The Better Man project
_______________

Sometimes our choices lead us to something great, and sometimes it leads us to our downfall and the only thing we have to do is get through it. Because we're only human. And humans are never perfect.

The night I walked into that bar, where it lead to my dead-end, I made a choice to go drink instead of going home and resting. I craved a drunken night instead of a good night's sleep, and I know that that was a big mistake. But that had been my routine occasionally, and I couldn't change it no matter what I did. Maybe I should have been less selfish, but then again, what happened had passed and no human is perfect. 

I remember when there was a time I jogged around the whole area, taking in the natural day breaking through and the city sounds just starting to orchestrate along with the tweeting of birds and some dogs chasing mailman trying to do their job. I had such a typical life of a city man, not really trying anything out of the ordinary. I'd slow down by the market where flowers are sold and goods are sold with their aroma filling the air. It was a good life, in some ways. I suppose I should have appreciated it more instead of thinking I would have had a better life when I already did, no matter who and what was in it. Maybe dying is a good thing, what if I had something dark and worse than death coming at me? Right? That's the bright side I guess. Instead of looking at the faults of other people, I should look at my own. Thinking I'm better than others, when I'm really just worse. Arrogance wasn't my best trait, neither was pushing people away and preferring loneliness.

If I were to have stayed with my parents all those years ago, I'd let go of my childish frustration and be thankful I have...had a mother and father. No matter how they are, at least I had them and took them for granted. Maybe I should have been close with them instead of pushing them away after forming a certain judgement about them. My father may have been a filthy rich man with strong connections, but he was still my father, and ultimately a human.

I didn't know my mum, however. I just presumed in the end that she was just with my father for his money. Perhaps she hadn't known he cheated, perhaps she always felt grateful in what she had and used it. I was insensitive, and she may have gave me my space because I was toxic in my silence and actions. How heartbroken was she when I left? And dad? How come I never took in  consideration how they felt? Aren't they humans too? Doesn't every human have inevitable flaws? I, out of everyone, should know that; I've always observed people and saw how they are. I accepted that no one was perfect, so why wasn't it the same with my parents?

"Hey, I need to talk with you."

I slip from the lamp post I was leaning on and stand upright fast, looking at the person standing in front of me. I blink a few times as I see the blondie, who looks familiar like the back of my hand. But somehow I can't put a name on her, nor a certain identity.

I nod in response and follow her as she walks in the fairly occupied sidewalk, pushing the door into a café and we sit at a vacant table. All the while I somehow push away every thought that makes me believe this is some con or pranking shit. She seemed pretty serious, and her tired expression added to it under the simple make up she had on.

I stare at her for a while as she placed her cardigan behind her and bag on the table, frankly not over what I was thinking about so intensely earlier. With that, I feel like I should know her name, but I can't seem to put my finger on it. I'm guilty of that. It's like just when I'm about to reach that certain piece of information in my head, it slips away and vanishes. I contain my frustration as she settles finally, and meets my gaze. The blue in her eyes seem drained, and honestly I could relate at the moment but I keep my mouth shut.