Titans

[38] Cal

"Seriously, Lilith?" Merc says. "You're not going to trust her? The first time you saw her, you shot her. If anything, she shouldn't trust you."

"I'm not running around destroying labs and poisoning people with my alien juice, Mercury."

"She's not an alien!"

It's like watching hope disintegrate and fall through my fingers. The two of them argue, Atara slides deeper into herself, and the precarious bond we share fractures. We don't know each other. We don't know ourselves. All we have is blind trust and when that's broken, what is there? If we can't work together, we can't operate. And if don't operate, we won't make it out alive.

I take a breath and clear my throat to get their attention. I know what I have to do. "Aside from what you claim, Lilith, do you know what else Atara did? She flew us out of that chasm when we were stuck. She got us into the air and manoeuvred us safety away as the planet split up and the shockwave's of forming stars rocked the ship. She saved our lives. And she will do it again, because that's who she is. Not an alien or a witch. Not sick or evil or broken. She's Atara. A bloody good pilot – and our friend.

"And right now, we need her. Right now, she's the only person who can get us out of this damned universe. We don't trust her, and we die. We don't work with her, and we die. We do anything other than work as a team, follow the plan and trust in each other, and we die.

"So, aside from making you dizzy and standing at your door, what has Atara done? Because unless there's some other unforgiveable sin no one's mentioning, she's flying us home. And we're going to help her, personal feelings be damned."

No one says anything for a long time after I finish speaking. The ship creaks away around us as it flies towards the centre of the universe, and I battle to keep my face as composed as possible. There has to be a voice of reason keeping everyone together and it looks like I'm it. If I let out one hint at my personal opinions, everything falls apart, crumbles into arguing and disorder like it did after Lilith let out those three fateful words days ago.

"I think I got us in this mess," Atara says unexpectedly. "Whatever it is that got us here, whatever it is that we can't remember, I think it was my fault." When we all look at her, surprised and confused, she adds simply, "You asked for a sin. Well. There it is." Hands out, spread in offering. Take it, her posture says. Hate me.

"Well that's nonsense," Merc says. Somehow, it smashes through the tension in the room, eases the heaviness in the air. I find I can breathe properly again. He looks at me. "Let's get preparing. You say we've got three hours, then we should make the most of it." He gets up and crosses the room, pausing at the door. "You coming guys?"

Lilith nods once, curtly, and stands, her chair squealing as she does so. "Fine. Back to work it is." Without another glance, she strides out of the room.

Merc waits around just long enough to see Atara and I stand and tuck in our chairs before he follows Lilith out. I'm at the door, about to do the same, when Atara puts a hand on my arm.

"Wait. Before you go, just...thank you."

I turn back, feeling undeniably uneasy being alone with her. "It wasn't personal. I had to keep the group together. I had no choice."

"But you defended me when I couldn't. So thank you."

I sigh. "Look, Atara. I'm not going to lie. I don't know who you are. I don't know what you are. I don't trust you. Lilith says she saw you late one night, and I think we both know I saw you too."

"Fate," she whispers.

The word makes me shiver. "Yeah, and then a book fell off it's shelf with the information I needed to save us. You never touched it. You never looked at it. But you did it, didn't you? Somehow you knew it was what I needed."

She nods, eyes on the floor.

"How? How did you do it? How did you know?"

She finally looks up, eyes swimming in sudden tears. "I don't know!" And she throws up her hands. "I don't know." And she holds those same hands to her head in despair. "I barely even knew what I was doing. It was like I had this whole other person inside me, calling the shots. It was all instinct. I woke up and I knew."

"And fate? What was that supposed to mean?"

She shakes her head. "I don't know."

"Tell me you can keep it in check. Assure me that whatever's going on with you won't pose a problem when we're flying through that portal."

"I can keep it in check," she says, meeting my eyes. She barely misses a beat, but I feel the hesitation. She doesn't understand it herself. How could she possibly promise it won't be problematic?

I realise I'm asking too much of her. So instead of catching her out, I say, "Good," and head off down the hall, all the while praying for forgiveness. There's more than a million things in this universe that could kill us and yet I'm the one loading the gun, pressing down on the trigger. I'm like Lilith, staring down uncertainty and answering with murder. By trusting Atara, I've either just saved us or doomed us.

And now more than ever I'm beginning to question which we deserve.