The Iron Soldier: A FourTris Divergent Story

Chapter 41

There was nothing I could do now. I'd never get to say goodbye or thank him for showing me how a father should treat his son. Never get to tell him how I truly felt because I once believed it made me look weak. And I'd never be able to thank him for saving my life for the umpteenth time.

A waitress dressed as a Dolly Parton look-alike approached my booth from behind the baked goods counter, smiling brightly. "What can I get for you darlin'?" She took a closer look at me, easily picking up on the fact that I was trying to hide my tears. "A tissue maybe?" She looked at me like I was a kicked puppy.

"No. I'm fine. Thank you." The words were barely audible.

I said it to dismiss her, but she didn't get the hint. "Oh, come on sugar. Tell Betty what's wrong." That's when she sat beside me, forcing her hip to push me further into the booth. Her arm wrapped around my shoulders as she ran her fingertips through my hair.

"I said I was fine!" I didn't mean to yell, but my tone was enough to make her jump out of the booth and return to her spot behind the counter, whispering to another waitress beside her.

Yes, I felt bad, but I wasn't in the mood to make friends. In fact, it would be safer if I never made friends ever again, both for my benefit and theirs. This was the first time I played the asshole card, and as horrible as it was, I knew it was a card I'd play again in the future. I'd keep it up my sleeve for easy access from now on. If nobody liked me, it would be easier to walk away, even disappear if I had to. I needed it to be this way, because I knew I could never walk away from another person I cared about without completely losing myself. Amar's money would be put to good use and I'd make sure he didn't die in vain. I'd spend my life making up for all the horrible things I'd done during my time with Dauntless and try to convince myself along the way that I was worthy of this second chance I'd been given.

***

It really wasn't all that long ago that I was given a second chance, although it feels like an entirely different lifetime. In fact, every moment before I met Tris feels like a different lifetime. She made me feel things I'd never felt before, and for a short time convinced me that life really was worth living. I don't want to go on without her. Even after my memory is wiped, I doubt I'll be allowed to just walk out of here completely free. And if somehow I am, will I hurt her by not remembering what we had found together? I can't help but think she will be better off without me; free to continue the life she wanted before I messed everything up. I know I should let her go. I just don't know how to tell her.

My memory wipe is scheduled for this afternoon. Tris has been given permission to visit me one last time before my past goes blank and she becomes just another face in the crowd. I can't imagine how I could ever forget her, but I know how powerful these serums are. I have to prepare her for what's to come.

The lock on the door clicks and Tris comes running in, stopping short of the nearly invisible barrier that separates us. She puts her palms flat against the pane. I smile at her and repeat the gesture. Our hands now only separated by the one-inch thick faux glass.

"Well, aren't you two sweet." Natalie strolls in behind Tris, a confident bounce in her step. I know this is all an act for Tris' sake.

"Mom, you can't let them do this." Tris is trying to hold herself together, but I hear the tears in her voice and it feels like a dagger through my heart.

Natalie enters the code to my cell and Tris flings the door open before running into my arms. I pull her as close to me as I can, breathing in her fragrance, a smell that automatically calms me.

"Four, I know I should be happy. You get to live. But I still feel like I'm losing you. You don't deserve this. You're a hero not a terrorist." She buries her face in my shirt as I stroke her hair gently.

"I know you see me like that, but I'm not a hero. I'm dangerous, and the world will be a safer place if I forget what I'm capable of. I'll be a better person if I can't remember the terrible things I've done. And you'll be better off without me."

She shakes her head, "No...no, you're wrong."

I cup her cheeks in my hands and wipe her tears away with my thumbs. "You had everything in order before you met me – your school, your career, your whole future. And now, you have your mother back. You'll have a lot of catching up to do. I can't be selfish. I can't ask you to wait for me, because who I am right now...I don't think he'll ever be coming back."

A guard comes through the hallway door. "Time to go, Eaton."

I take a deep breath to steady myself, pushing the fear to the back of my mind so I can stay strong for her. "I will always love you, Tris. My brain may forget who you are, but my heart never will." I bring my lips to meet hers one last time. I hold on to that moment, savoring every last second I have with her. I form a complete mental picture of her beautiful face, her vibrant smile. I'll forever remember the delicate floral scent that lingers on my cheeks and clothes every time I hold her close. I'll always recall her intoxicating laugh that could brighten my darkest mood and how a single touch of her hand would make me feel alive long after we'd separated. I will always have a taste of her tears linger on my lips, salty and sweet at the same time.

The armed guard enters my cell, grabbing my arms to latch a pair of handcuffs around my wrists. I don't resist. I know it would just make it harder for Tris to watch if I struggle. I look back as I'm led out to the hallway. Tris has fallen to her knees and her mother is beside her, holding her close to comfort her.

Natalie meets my eyes one last time before theydisappear from my view. A tear glistens on her cheek as I say a final goodbye tothe two most important women in my life. "Be Brave." I say out loud as I hearTris completely break down.