you belong with me | c.w. ✓

twenty-two [blind]

t w e n t y - t w o

blind

____________________

 

Walker didn't call me that night, and I was glad. I needed more time to think, to try to sort through my feelings. My emotions felt like one big mess, one it seemed I might never be able to figure out.

But I'd figured out enough to know what I needed to say to Walker the next time I saw him. I knew I liked him, but I didn't feel like I was ready for a relationship with him. I didn't even know if he wanted to be in one, but if he did, I knew I had to tell him the truth. As much as I liked the idea of us being together, I knew it wouldn't work out. He lived in California, and I lived in Pennsylvania - and we only had four more days together before we both went home. We might never get a chance to see each other again. What kind of relationship would that be?

I didn't want to put Walker or myself through that. I knew one of us would get hurt eventually, either by a breakup or just missing the other person too much.

As much as I wanted to, I didn't think I could fully commit myself to a relationship. I didn't know how to explain it. But Walker deserved someone who would be totally committed to him, and while I would never cheat on him or anything - I'd been through that myself before - I wasn't sure if I could be that person for him.

So I met him after his practice the next morning, hanging back until he was the only one left by the field.

"Hey," I said as I walked up to him.

Walker looked up and smiled when he saw me. "Hey, Riley. I'm sorry I didn't call you last night, I had to talk to my coach."

"It's fine." He was packing up his bag, and I waited until he was done before speaking again. "Can we talk?"

Putting down the duffel bag, he stood up, a worried expression coming onto his face. "Yeah. Sure. What's up?"

I walked over to the fence surrounding the field, and he followed. I bit my lip as I tried to figure out what to say. "Look, Walker, I like you. I really do."

He looked like he knew what was coming. "But?"

I sighed. "I just don't think a relationship is the best choice for us right now. I-I'm sorry. I don't even know if that's what you wanted in the first place, but..." I trailed off, looking out onto the field.

Walker put his back to the fence and leaned against it, looking down at his feet. "Would it change anything if I said it is what I want?"

I bit my lip. "I-I don't think so. It's just, we only have four more days together, and then what? We go home. But your home is two thousand miles away from mine."

He was silent for a while as he thought. I knew he was hurt by what I was saying, but I also knew this was better than the hurt we'd both feel eventually if we let this go on.

"I am sorry, Walker. But I just think this is best for us." I studied him for a moment, hoping he wouldn't be upset or mad at me.

Eventually, he looked over at me. He didn't say anything for several seconds, but then he started nodding slowly. "Okay."

I felt relief wash over me. "Okay?"

Walker sighed. "It's not what I wanted, but I know you're right. We'd only end up getting hurt anyways."

I smiled, and felt a weight lift off my chest when he returned it. "So." I let out a small laugh. "I know this is super cliche, but any chance we can still be friends?"

He pretended to think about it. "I don't know."

"Come on. You know you can't live without me," I teased.

"How about friends who make out occasionally?"

I laughed. "Yeah, that'll go over great with my brother."

Walker's laughter faded, and he looked at me seriously. "You know, you don't have to let him control you."

I looked away, caught off guard. "He doesn't. He's just...protective."

He paused, then said, "Of himself or you?"

His words hit me like a ton of bricks.

I didn't know how to respond, but Walker continued before I had time to say anything. "You said Jaden always wanted a brother. Do you...do you feel like you owe him something? Because you can't be that for him?"

I froze. Was he right? Was that how I felt? As I thought about everything I'd done for Jaden, I realized he was right. Just like I'd blamed myself for him losing Dylan, I blamed myself for not being what Jaden wanted. Obviously it wasn't my fault, but I guess I'd always felt guilty for what I was. Or, more accurately, what I couldn't be.

Walker read all this on my face, and continued. "Dylan was the closest thing he ever had to a brother, and you feel like you're responsible for that, like you took something away from him when you guys broke up. So you go through all this, you put yourself and Cole through this, to try and make that up to him?

Holy crap. This guy was just opening doors all over the place.

I blinked, trying to make sense of everything he was saying. "Yeah. I-I guess so." I let out a humorless laugh. "Wow, I suck."

"No. You just really love your brother. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's how you try to show that love when it goes wrong."

I just shook my head. I couldn't believe how blind I'd been.

"You're not a bad person, Riley. Really, none of this is your fault. Dylan's the one that cheated on you. You didn't have to protect him, but you chose to take the blame for it to keep your brother from getting hurt. You were just trying to do the right thing."

I looked up at him, and suddenly felt all my emotions rushing towards me at once. Tears started filling my eyes, and a single one spilled down my cheek. I still couldn't say anything, so I just reached forward and put my arms around Walker, thanking him the only way I could at the moment.

He wrapped his arms around me, one hand rubbing my back and the other holding my head against his chest. We stayed there for what seemed like forever, before I finally pulled away.

I wiped away my tears and laughed. "Wow."

Walker kept his hands on my waist, a concerned look on his face. "You okay?"

I nodded, smiling gratefully at him. "I am. Or I will be."

He returned the smile. Neither of us said anything for a moment, and I appreciated it. Enough words had been said already.

After a while, Walker spoke up, a teasing grin on his face. "So...wanna make out?"

I laughed and shoved him off of me. "Shut up."

He grinned and put an arm around me as we walked back to the dorms. And even though I felt happier in that moment than I had in awhile, a feeling of dread started to rise in my stomach.

I couldn't let this go on any longer. The promise I'd made to Jaden, which had seemed like the perfect solution at the time, was now only hurting us.

As much as it scared me to think about, I knew what I had to do.