Stockholm Syndrome // sm

Chapter Eighteen

I rubbed my eye gently, my fingers curling around my blanket as I watched whatever was on television. It seemed to be some kind of cartoon, but I didn't pay no mind to it really. It was just kinda background noise for whatever was going on in my head.

I had been crying all night, which was really only a few hours long. I didn't understand why I was so conflicted, or even why I felt so unsure about everything that's happened lately.

Shawn's so sweet, almost too sweet. Milk and honey dripped from his lips and stars seemed to shine in his eyes despite all that's happened - despite how hostile and rude I was to him before. He's been nothing but kind to me, nothing but caring and thoughtful. However, I don't believe that made up for the fact his father ripped me from my life to live here.

But maybe... maybe it kind of did?

A part of me wanted to hate him for what his dad did, but an equally as big part of me told me it wasn't his fault so I shouldn't hate him. After all, people don't hate me for what my mom did. I'd find it unfair if someone blamed me for something she did, my dad even.

I would have never met Shawn if it weren't for this though, and that thought made me grow sad. I wish we had met under different circumstances. Maybe then I wouldn't be so conflicted about how I feel. Maybe then he wouldn't feel the way he does right now.

I just couldn't separate my feelings from one another. I couldn't tell what I was sad about anymore, or even what I was happy about. Why was I so frustrated all the time? Who was I mad at?

There is only a few things I really knew for sure, I was mad at me. I was frustrated with myself.

I ran a hand through my hair and then left it there, closing my eyes as a fresh wave of tears filled my eyes. I couldn't stop crying and it made me feel pathetic.

I heard the soft creaks of his wooden staircase and I sniffled quietly to myself. I tried to keep my crying silent, but I couldn't help it when I sobbed into the sleeves of the sweatshirt I wore, my heart hammering against my chest as I felt eyes on me.

"Jennifer..." Shawn spoke up and I pulled my arm away from me, looking at him with tear filled eyes. "Come-Come here."

He didn't need to ask me twice.

I stood up and then went up to him, wrapping my arms around his thin waist and crying into his sweater. I fisted the grey fabric inside of my hands and he rubbed my back gently, shushing me quietly.

"I'm so sorry." I sobbed, my shoulders shaking as I gasped. "I'm so sorry Shawn. I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" He asked me, seeming genuinely confused. "I don't think I understand."

"I didn't mean to make you feel like a-a last option or like I don't care about you. I do. I care about you so much. I'm sorry for making you think I only like you because I'm stuck here with you." I rambled, my words broken up with gasps and wheezed as I tightened my fists around his sweater.  "I'm sorry."

He was silent, his lage hands still on my back and he sighed. "Don't be. I-I overreacted. I'm sorry." He whispered and I shook his head.

"This isn't your fault-"

"I blew it out of proportion-"

"I made you feel like garbage-"

"Nothing here has been your fault okay?" He tried to convince me but I shook my head.

"Stop taking blame for things that aren't your fault." I begged him because it only made me feel worse. "None of this is your fault either. This isn't your fault."

"No, but I'll fix this. I promise that I will." He vowed as he looked me in the eye. "My fault or not, I'll fix it."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked him, my heart slamming against my ribcage, threatening to rip a hole through my chest.

"I'll get you back home to your family." He murmured and I gulped as he cupped my face gently. "I don't know how, and I don't know when, but I do know that I will."

"Shawn..." I gaped and he nodded his head. "You said that you couldn't do that. You told me there are things you can't do and things you can't tell me."

"You can do everything, but that doesn't mean you should." He whispered and wiped my tears away. He seemed to be doing this a lot lately.

"Don't... Don't do anything that could hurt you." I pleaded him, the idea of him tearing his own life apart for me made my heart ache. "Please."

"I can't think of a way to get you out safely that doesn't involve me screwing up what I have now. It's not much anyways." He admitted and I shook my head.

"It's not worth it."

"I think it is." He hummed and I shook my head as I leaned my forehead into his chest. He kissed the top of my head and I sniffled. "If I come up with a way where we both win, then I'll tell you."

"There is none because we both lose if we split apart." I whimpered, the thought of leaving him made me want to cry all over again.

"Do we though? What do we have now? Some kinda weird kidnapper and victim relationship-"

"You didn't do anything!" I snapped, getting mad because  he keeps saying that. "You didn't force me here. Stop saying that you did when you didn't."

"Regardless, you're not here willingly." He reminded me and I didn't reply. "Will we really lose anything by... by going our separate ways? You lived without me once, and I've lived without you."

"I don't want to go back to that." I admitted to him, feeling vulnerable as I told him how I felt. "Now that I met you and have you in my life, I don't want you to leave. Tell me... do you want me to leave?"

"I want you to be happy." He murmured and I shook my head softly. "I want you to go back to school and see your sister and your mother and your little brother. I want you to forget that this ever happened."

"Forget what? Us?"

"If that's what it takes for you to go back to being who you used to be." He told me and I shook my head.

"I don't want to go back to that. I don't want to be her. I don't want to forget you, or us, whatever us is." I confessed to him. "I-I need you Shawn. Please. Don't you want me? Don't you need me?"

"I do, but..."

"But nothing." I finished and a single tear fell from his eye. "If we can't leave the life we're currently living together, then I'm fine with staying here with you. I need you with me Shawn."

"That's not... This can't be healthy Jennifer. You should hate me. You should want to leave me just as quick as you met me, even faster. You should want me dead. That's what a normal person in your position would want." He pointed out, his eyes running over my face. "Why don't you want that?"

"I've never been normal." I smiled sadly and he chuckled, though it sounded less happy and more sad. "I guess I'm special."

"If I were you, I'd want me dead."

"That's a bit awkward because right now, I want you to kiss me." I said, biting my lip gently. He was quick to comply.

He pressed his lips against mine and I hummed. "Whatever we have, whatever we are, please don't throw it away." I pleaded him and he nodded.

"We leave together, or we stay together." He decided finally and I smiled, happy with that decision.