Detention With The Bad Boy

Pushing Me Away

(It's about to get emotional, have your tissues ready.)

Saturday mornings are normally good mornings, however my life hasn't exactly been sunshine and rainbows recently. Kade is going above and beyond to avoid me, I still don't have any friends since Ellis so kindly ditched my ass and now instead of being upset and hurt by all these people around me I'm just mad. 

However today is the anniversary of my parents death, and it sucks. Today Julia has to work but I have the flowers waiting in the kitchen and all I needed was to get ready and go, but I don't find the energy in me to move. 

Lying in bed I remembered everything about my parents, every detail of my mom's face, my dad's voice and I've never felt more alone in my life. Swallowing the lump in my throat I got into the shower and found myself getting ready, once done I glanced in the mirror one final time and walked downstairs. 

Kade's POV

"Grab the last bag please Kade." My mom yelled from the back of the car as I was about to climb out the passenger side ready to help her carry in the groceries. 

"Oh Nora sweet heart I'm glad I caught you." Looking in the rear view mirror I saw Nora holding a bunch of flowers in her hand and her car keys in the other. "I know today is a hard day for you, and I know Julia tries to work through it but please if you need anything, even someone to talk to I'm here okay?" Nora was stood pale, and kind of zoned out as she just nodded at my mom's words before jumping in her car. 

Once she drove off I climbed out and got the bags following my mom inside, when I saw her my mom was leaning on the counter and looked as if she was going to cry. 

"Mom? What's going on are you okay?" I asked worried and taking two strides towards her, she laughed and wiped away the stray tear that fell.

"I'm fine, I just get so emotional one days like today. I can't imagine how you would feel if I died, even after your dad leaving you not really having anyone it kills me. Knowing how Nora must feel I just want to be there for her but she really does push everyone away." My mom said before looking at my blank face. "I thought you two were friends? Today is the anniversary of her parent's death. Have the two of you not been speaking?" She told me before asking the dreaded question.

"Like you said she pushes everyone away." I mumbled going up to my room and just feeling angry, not at Nora but at myself, she was exactly like me, she pushes everyone away including me but the difference is she had the balls to admit it to me. 

What did I do?

Stood there and let her walk away.

All I wanted was for her understand why I did what I did, and now when she tells me she's ready to let me back, that she might have some feelings there I just act like I don't care, I let her walk away probably thinking it's too late.

We're the same, we've both been left and know how it feels so we push anyone who tries to show they care away. 

She's a better person than me. She can admit it to me, I can't tell her, I can't disappoint her like that. She shouldn't have feelings for me after everything I did. 

God I wish Nora just knew, how could she not know after everything that I feel the same. I've been in love with the girl since she broke down in Sophomore year, when I saw her standing in the rain by her car and the relief on her face when she saw me. 

All this time. 

And since then we've kind of always been there for each other unknowingly and I was fond of our relationship, or friendship, whatever. Despite everything I put her through she was there the night I was hurt, and she was there within twenty minutes when I woke up. 

Here I am like an almighty douche letting her go through all these feelings alone, when I know I can help her. Pacing my room I had an internal fight with myself.

Wait for her to get back and go over there?

Go over the the grave yard and be there for her?

If I wait until she's back will she even let me in?

Just call her? 

Punching a wall in anger I knew what I had to do but I had an unsettling feeling in my stomach that she wouldn't want me anymore, I'd hurt her too much.

The least you can do is try.

I heard her voice echo in my head and I groaned grabbing my car keys and running to my car. Driving to the first of three cemeteries in our town she wasn't there, first I looked for her car but still jogged around in case she was there, the second and smallest one was easy to see she wasn't there.

St Martin's Cemetery.

Spotting her car I slowed down knowing this was it. Pulling in there weren't any other cars around and I was thankful for that, once I found where she was my brain stopped. I couldn't walk and I could barely breath as I saw her, wanting nothing more than to just reach out to her I stopped and gave her the privacy she deserved, but I'll be here when she needs me. 

That's enough. 

Sitting on the small bench a few feet away I could hear what she was saying, at first I couldn't make it out but I was listening. 

"I know I tell you every time, but I miss you. I do and I can't stop it, everyday I wake up thinking about what it was like and what it would be like. Whether you'd be mad at me if I did something I shouldn't or, or what we would do on the weekends. It's so hard knowing I'm here and you're not." 

I could tell she was going to start crying so I stood ready to go to her but her next words hit me like a tonne of bricks.

"And I'm so sorry if I've disappointed you." Her words came out like a sob and I think I felt my heart break for her, and I realised just what an impact this girl had on me.

"I didn't mean to disappoint you mommy." She said as she fell in front of the grave stones and reached her hand out touching her mom's one. I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat and stepped forward when her shoulders shook, kneeling down next to her I gently put my hand on her back and it was like I needed to touch her to know that I was here with her finally. 

She didn't look at me as I wrapped my arms around her all she could do was cling onto my shirt and cry, taking deep breaths I felt something in me click. This is all I wanted, this is all I've ever wanted and I was a wimp for not doing it before. 

Holding her felt right, and I felt like the past few weeks not even talking to her has been like a part of me was missing, knowing she felt the same my heart swelled and I smiled thankfully.

When she stopped crying she looked up at me through her glassed eyes questioning why I was here. 

"I'm sorry." I whispered looking down at her. "I'm sorry it took this long. I'm sorry for pushing you away and I'm sorry I left you alone." My voice broke and she put her hand on my face making me lean into her touch slightly.

"Thank you." Her voice was hoarse and I gave her a small smile and lent down placing a small soft kiss on her lips. 

"I hate seeing you cry." I said wiping away her tears but new ones gathered making me wish I could feel what she was feeling instead. She shouldn't have to go through this. 

"Nora, I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. How much you mean to me, I shouldn't have let you walk away, I never should have let you walk away." I told her making her nod and clear her throat. 

"Guess we have a lot in common huh?" She joked making me chuckle at her.

"Guess we do." I hummed in response just letting her lean into me as she looked down at her parents headstones. 

{That got a bit dark, sorry guys.}