The Leaf Catcher (on hold)

Uncertainty

Chapter 22

Have you ever had to sit inside a hospital and wait; wait amongst the unbearable corridor of busy emotions and blinding walls. Have you ever had to wait and not know what the outcome would be - paralysis, pain, life or death? Have you ever felt the sink of your heart when there is so much uncertainty, so much dreadful uncertainty. So much that it swallows you and consumes you, shatters your chest as the panic punches a hole straight through you. A hand clasps your rapidly beating heart and squeezes until you can't breathe and you can't see the walls or feel the warm hand on the back of your neck. You can't answer your ringing phone, can't bring words to your mouth to explain to your mother. You can't even breathe past the lump in your throat.

You can't stand up, you can't stop shaking. You are shaking and you are caged and you can't bear the weight. You can't stand the tension, the thick air that chokes you. Your stomach is dipping, dropping onto the floor, tunnelling through the earth, the ocean; plummeting towards a burning core of molten iron and molten pain.

Have you ever been filled up with dread, and wished so, heartbreakingly much that it wasn't your brother, your mother, your father, your friend in that hospital room, in the operating theatre? Have you ever yearned purely, before the grief of loss mars your wishes, that it was you? It was you, and not them, because you love them. You love them so much. Everything about them, all of them. Their immaturity. Their maturity. You love them and you cannot contemplate losing them - losing them fully, without a goodbye. Without even a suggestion, a hint of the road to a farewell.

It's one of the worst feelings in the world, that suspense. The tumble before the grief. For me, anyway. And when you're going through it, you are powerless to stop it all. You are a victim of all those pounding feelings, all those numbing thoughts. There is no technique or resolution to a situation like that, nothing to help you through it.

I have thought and thought about how to describe what it feels like, what it doesn't feel like. Everything and nothing you experience in those minutes that feel like hours or days on end. Endless waiting amongst the endless panic, dread. The endless roar of uncertainty, of pain. Of yearning.

I have thought, and there is only one word that scrapes the surface, one word that summounts a fraction of it all.

Desperation. Utter, desolate desperation that cuts so, so deep. That consumes you.

I was desperate as I sat on the chairs next to Kaiden, both of us a sopping mess. The end of the taxi ride was a blur, as were the clumsy footsteps through the revolving doors, the spray of meaningless words spoken at the receptionist. I think I shouted at her, actually.

It was Kaiden who eventually told her what had happened. I could barely hear his voice over the roaring of my blood, my thoughts.

I'd never felt like this. Never.

Not even with Dad. There had never been a tumble, there was never any uncertainty. One minute he was there and then he was gone - gone forever. Lost amongst the shattered glass, the blare of horns. Lost on a motorway, wandering forever on a road that no one else could see, no one else could dwell.

I didn't fall into grief with Dad. No, I didn't fall. It smacked me in the face, buffeted me. Dragged me under like a tidal wave of water. But at least I knew. At least I knew I'd never see him again, never hear his voice. At least I knew I'd never have a lecture on how his amp system was worth the £700, how the headphone converter for the car really did make Led Zeppelin unbeatable, unparalleled even to Yes.

But now, now was different. Now was so very different, and I...I didn't think I was strong enough. As my chest heaved with the memories of Tommy, my eyes squinted with the sound of his laughter, I realised what breaking felt like. It wasn't momumental and it wasn't noticeable. It wasn't hard to break. To crack open. In some ways, it wasn't even painful.

It was just so heavy. I was so heavy, and yet so transparent. I was so full, so brimming, and yet so empty. I'd never been more of an oxymoron as I was then. Looking back on it, I hated it. I hated what I was feeling, what was happening. But I couldn't feel it, not then. Not now. I was drowning, and I wasn't even trying to breathe.

Who would?

I had no idea at all how long everything had been - the sitting and waiting, the drowning - until I heard Kaiden, and also until I felt him. He might have been talking to me the whole time, repeating the question over and over again. I'd never been more unaware of everything - swimming through uncertainty tends to make you unobservant.

Eventually, the warmth of his hand on the back of my neck became observable, as did his voice. "Meg, that was your mum." I blinked, trying to move my face. "Meg?"

It was hard to turn my head to him; I felt so stiff, so rusty. He was holding my phone in his other hand, a single bead of water dribbling feebly down the screen. I swallowed, and my throat felt raw.

"Are you there? Meg, you need to be here." I swallowed again. I was here. Of course I was here. What was he talking about? Kaiden's eyes looked worried as he stared at me, his hand soothing as it fiddled with my hair.

"I'm here," I croaked. For some reason, the look on his face made me want to cry. "Kaiden?" The words tumbled out of me before I could stop them, and I didn't want to stop them. It helped, hearing them out loud instead of just feeling them. It helped just slightly. "I'm scared."

His lips tightened, and then he leant in, guiding my head to his shoulder and placing a kiss to my temple. The sound of the hospital surrounded me all of a sudden, too quiet and too loud, but at least I could hear something other than my own panic, the terror in my blood.

"So am I." He said, putting an arm around me. "Are you cold?"

I was freezing, but it didn't matter. There were other reasons why I was shaking. "It's fine," I whispered, keeping my eyes trained on the blue doors. Those infamous blue doors that never opened.

"You need to stay here, Meg." Kaiden's voice was firm, solid. There was a sincerity to his words that I'd be indebted to later on. He rested his cheek on my head and I wished I could enjoy the sensation more, but there was nothing left to race inside me. My heart couldn't beat any faster than it already was, my stomach couldn't drop to the ground because it was already in the ground.

Fear did that to you - drove all other emotions out of your blood. Drove you to desperation. So did love.

"I don't know what you're feeling but you have to stay in the hospital and you have to look forward, okay? I know it's impossible. You have to try." He kissed me again. "Please?"

I nodded. I was grateful for the new shine of crystals in my eyes. I never thought I'd be pleased at the sight of my tears - those treacherous things - but I was now. Some part of me registered that feeling them was better than feeling nothing.

"Your mum is on her way. She's 3 hours away," His voice was soothing. "She told me to tell you that she loves you,"

I kept nodding, and so amongst the unbearable tumble before the grief, amongst the dreadful, excruciating uncertainty of my brother's fate, Kaiden kept talking.

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The song is Halo, Beyonce, because it brought back a lot of stuff and I wrote to it for some reason this time. It was the song of that year. I used to run to this song. On repeat.

I know I've ended it badly again, ha in case you haven't realised, I'm bad at endings, but I don't want to write what comes next because I know I won't do it justice. So thank you for reading and I'm sorry it's short and I shouldn't tell you this because it's going to spoil the next chapter but I'll say it anyway, mainly to pacify myself really, but.....

He's ok.