𝐒𝐀𝐕𝐈𝐎𝐑 ❱ 𝐃𝐀𝐙𝐀𝐈 𝐎𝐒𝐀𝐌𝐔

six.

motivation, an invisible force within that consciously pushes us to strive for a set goal. to do anything, to achieve anything, we need motivation; it gives us reason to reach, to try harder and push past what we believe we are capable of. having motivation gives a mindset and pursuance. goal, the object of a person's ambition or effort; an aim or desired result. dazai lack the incentive to live, hence his effortless amount of suicide endeavors. but, he's motivated to extinguish his mere existence, making it his goal to find someone he could commit double suicide.

living to dazai is the rarest thing. existing is one thing, but truly living is a different factor to him. it hasn't came to mind that the possibility of him being happy was an honor. once he becomes happy, in a split second, it all disappears. it's easier to remain sad rather than to be happy for dazai. happiness doesn't coordinate well with dazai's range of emotions when he's always what he thinks he feels, sad.

for you, you've seen a diverse of emotions from dazai. though he's still baffled, you've seen how he abstains himself from joining the overwhelming cachinnation in the office that vanquishes any negativity that may infiltrate the moment. when he stares outside the window, observing the day as it passes by, a calm, adoring smile always appears without his conscious. every time his eyes met yours, it was a beautiful reflective. his eyes are naturally a dark brown, yet appears to be more rutilant if anything. a slight tinge of red occasionally appears on his cheeks at any slight contact the two of you make. the littlest of emotions mean the most to you.

but, when he candidly states that he doesn't feel such emotions, you feel utter sadness. the thought of him keeping solitary agonies to himself leaves a tightening strangle in your chest. you have to keep your melancholy and agitation hidden, careful lest any trace should be left exposed.

"other than smiles, laughters can be fake as well." it was a statement, yet to you, it felt more of an unpleasant threat. this superstition always had its way to arouse doubt and fear in you. it wasn't hard to understand, it was so baffling, and at the same time so filled with menacing overtones in such a remark.

dazai is quite blunt, but often fakes happiness to an extent to not cause anyone to worry about him. however, he doesn't feign any innocent optimism; he gradually perfected himself in the role of the farcical eccentric.

stuck in thoughts that felt convulsing, you snapped out of it quickly and stared at dazai from across the room, whom was asleep near the window. a zephyr permeated dazai's fluffy hair as you gazed fondly.

you stood up and made your way to him. crouching down to his sleeping figure, you gently grazed your hand against his fringe, sweeping it off from his face. the atmosphere was like a still image, quiescent-like, just you staring attentively at him.

as you detached your hand from his cheek, his hand soon grabbed yours, making you yelp in surprise. he rubbed his eyes like a child and smiled in a daze.

"good morning." he hugged you as his groggy voice gently whispered, making you a bit embarrassed.

"it's the afternoon.." you turned away abashed at his sudden actions. you then looked at him sternly as you recalled your thoughts. "what is something you enjoy doing other than trying to kill yourself?" your lips parted slightly at what you said.

his lips twitched upwards for a millisecond. "i like making people happy." he said as he peered at you.

a pitiful smile made its way to your face. "then why don't you make yourself happy?" after saying that, your chest clutched together harshly at the tense mood you created.

his looked at you with eyes you couldn't quite clarify. "as long as i can make them laugh, it doesn't matter how, i'll be alright. if I succeed in that, the human beings probably won't mind it too much if i remain outside their lives. meaning if i died, no one would feel grief and cry at my funeral." his eyes seemed crystal clear, your reflection was visible. his eyes truly showed no emotion.

you put your head on his chest and listened to his steady heartbeat. "you're a really good person you know that?" you looked up at him as you saw his eyes widened as if you told something outrageous.

he stroked your hair with a sigh. "you're funny." he ruffled your hair playfully and tried to push you off, which you refused to do.

you then instead proceeded to wrap your arms around his waist. "hugs are a good medicine..." you mumbled lazily, feeling comfortable being attached to him. his arms soon made it's way to your back an patted it.

"what are you trying to do?" he laid his chin on top of your head with a wryly grunt.

"trying to make you happy since you make me happy." you patted his head in reassurance, causing him to look confused.

"i'm pretty sure i make you feel more dejected if anything." his eyebrows furrowed as he rolled his eyes.

with a sulky pout, you disentangled yourself from him and huffed a puff of air. you squished his cheeks together with your hands a chuckled slightly amused. you then stopped and eyed him. "id-i-ot." you instead pulled out his cheeks like a mochi at every syllable you drew sarcastically.

"the fact you were born makes me feel happy itself. like the literal epitome of happiness, and i swear i'm not trying to use a hyperbole, just being honest." a tender eye-smile appeared on your face.

dazai had the sudden urge to have you in his arms, and so he hugged you. your faced fumed at his warmth and it was mutual. both of you remained in each other arms, not saying anything that may disrupt the moment.

"don't say something like that..." he mumbled into the crook of your neck, nuzzling it and clinging to you.

"wh-why?" you stuttered at the burst of closeness that you felt with dazai.

he didn't say anything, but the silence wasn't a uncomfortable one. it was a blissful, flustering one where both of your hearts are beating in the same rapid pace.

"hey am i being to clingy right now?" he tugged on your shirt, insecure at his actions.

you choose to hug him tighter and giggled a little. "no way dazai. i'd say you're being affectionate." the smile you wore felt like it wasn't going to fade anytime soon.

"you know i haven't tried any suicide attempts today..." he softly said in disappointment. you petted his hair, play with the tips of his curls. "i'm pretty surprised myself." you said rather proud if anything.

"never mind i think i might die at this very moment..." he removed one of his arms, putting his hand to cover his mouth. his face was fully red in color. the feeling of one's heart as they show love for another while embarrassed was deeply felt as you stared as him. the feeling of the butterflies in your stomach flapping their wings to the beat of the heart, the uncontrollable heat that rushed to your face after seeing his.

"why wo-would you say that?" you asked quite shocked, but mainly embarrassed.

dazai rested his heated face on your shoulders and groaned. he burrowed his face deeply into it out of pure embarrassment.

"i think i might die from happiness."