Give Me A Second Chance

Gravity

It’s quite scary to be in a world where everything that’s you know like the back of your palm also seems so new to you. It’s the things you do every day but suddenly it seems like you just woke up to a time way ahead of the minute you last remember. Suddenly you have a new life and new routine and for the love of god you can’t place when it all changed. You have new friends and a new life; all that is old barely matters anymore. Oddly enough, it seems more comforting than terrifying.

One minute I was just this guy, just another guy, standing nervously outside the house of the girl he believed he was madly falling in love with. Then in a blink of an eye, I have become this man; not just any man, the man I always dreamed I would be when I would grow up. He is of course full of imperfections, now I realize. I never saw myself as a guy who would take the love of his life for granted. How I could be so callous and almost let Rachel slip through my fingers is a question that eludes me. I have just been a really... really dumb guy.

As I waited for the shocked expression to fade away from my wife’s face so I could get s reply, I almost died. I was back to being that same young guy standing outside that apartment. The 30 seconds that followed after I rang that bell, up to the point when she opened that damn door was the most excruciatingly nerve-wrecking moments of my life. But the minute she opened the door, it was like I was in a completely different world. She had a breath-taking aura about her. She was like Christmas and spring at the same time. She was bright, spirited and brought out the best in people. As I looked at her, clad in a simple off shoulder top and skinny jeans, my heart just stopped beating. I couldn’t breathe. I was just amazed at how all this could have happened.

Now when I think about that minute, that moment when she opened the doors of her house to me, I realize that I was in love with her way before I even realized that I was in love with her. It took me so much longer to understand that there was no turning back, that I could never have a life which she was not a part of. Fact is I loved her, even before I knew what the name of this feeling was. It was impossible for me to not have fallen for her. My life was never the same after she came into my life. She made me the man I am today. Without her, I am nothing. I could never ne John without Rach. I don’t know how much of this makes sense. Fact is, sometimes the whole thing messes with my head too. Ultimately, what matters is my world revolves around her, more than I realize it. Falling for her, being with her, it’s like gravity. It’s an unbeatable, unstoppable, non- negotiating force. Knowing Rach and not falling for her was simply not possible. This was destiny, a story that was meant to be the most important chapter of my life. Nothing would ever matter to me as much as her.

Any person would think why would a man making such elaborate confessions need to work to win his wife over again. Problem is that, all these confessions exist in my head, I never voice them. Years into the marriage, after my company started being a great success, instead of taking a step back I got more engrossed in my job. I was determined to be the best. I changed my dream from working for the best recording company to owning the best recording company. It was a great dream but the longer meetings, late hours and unforeseen business trips added weight and strain to our relationship. We reached a point where we barely talked to each other and saw each other lesser and lesser. I didn’t give it a second thought till that one day...

It was right after our eldest son, Lucas announced his engagement to his girlfriend of three years when they had come home for a weekend. I guess it should have been the fact that our son, the little baby that became a part of our lives 28 years ago, was old enough to get married that set off the whole thing. It was just another day. The kids had left in the afternoon and once again it was just the two of us. Somehow I had a feeling something was wrong as we set the table. We ate in silence till we were almost done with dinner. Then she uttered the words that changed everything.

“John, I think we should get divorced.”

“Divorced? Where did that come from? What is wrong? Why? Why do we need a divorce?”

She sighed, “Oh John...” but stopped there and with no further explanations got up to leave. I leapt to my feet.

“You can’t just drop a bomb like that and walk away. You can’t pretend like you didn’t just say you want to get separated.” She jerked her arm out of my grasp and moved to the sink and clearing up the kitchen. Rach always does that when she gets worked up. Doing some sort of work helps her not lose focus.

“I am not pretending. I just don’t want this conversation”

“Of course, there will be a conversation. My wife just woke up one fine day and told me she wants a divorce.”

“Are you really that blind or dumb? Now you want a conversation after not having one for the past 15 years? You are never there and even when you are it is no different. When was the last time you told me that you love me? Forget told me, when was the last time you even thought of it in your head. When was the last time we spend some time together other than for these lousy dinners which both of us pretty much pray the other was busy for. John, I done even think we love each other anymore. The thing is, I am tired of waiting. I just can’t. So let’s get a divorce.”

With that, she went off to our room without even waiting for a reply. Standing there alone in that kitchen staring after her I realized that if I wasn’t careful I would be standing alone for the rest of my life. And if my life depended on it, that was never going to happen.