I spend the weekend debating on what to do. I am absolutely sure that I will do these things: I will ask Tobias about Adam and I'll get pregnancy and STD tests. I'm still debating on weather to tell anyone about Adam but as the days go by I start feeling more numb and more numb and I know that sometime soon I won't be able to feel anything.
I'm killing myself over what I did. How could I let him do that? Like I said, I could've fought back harder. I shouldn't have just shut up and let him do whatever he does to me.
And Tom. Gosh Tom. I miss him more than ever. I just......the look on his face broke my heart into a million pieces. He was so hurt because of my fault. I'm a slut and he just doesn't deserve that.
Some people might be like: whatever I had sex and just whatever I don't care. But I was raped and I know it's affecting me. It's like my whole body is shutting down. Tobias, Jaz and mom have learned to keep their distance and not ask questions about anything so I've just literally spent the whole weekend stuffing myself and thinking about everything happening.
So I put on a pair of old jeans, converse and a loose hoodie because who thought so much junk food for three days could make you gain weight?
I walk to the nearest drug store and buy a pregnancy test with some money that mom gave me. The STD test....I guess I'll go to a hospital and just take one. I walk back home feeling terrified. Even though I don't get the test and I am pregnant, I will find out anyways.
When I get home I open the test and smile when I see I have to pee on it. Wow, how can pee say if you're pregnant? And isn't there an app for that already? No sorry, that was in Scary Movie.
After two minutes I take a deep breath and pray that it's negative. I look at the stick....it's negative. Thank god! I sigh in relief and start laughing humorlessly, if I would've tried harder, I wouldn't be taking a pregnancy test. I wouldn't be in my house. I would be somewhere else with Tom laughing when he makes an impression of Owen Wilson.
I try to to suppress the sadness and all the memories of him. The feeling of his long fingers on my skin, the way he smiles, his eyes, his laugh, the feeling of his lips against mine and his voice. I miss him but.....I don't want to see him. I'm too ashamed to even show my face in public. Adam is probably telling everyone at school that we had sex. Yeah, we go to school together and I didn't even know until yesterday when I asked Tobias about him.
Tom deserves way better than me. He's the nicest, sweetest, kindest person I've ever met and he deserves someone like that.
So for like the next week I don't go to school praying that Adam won't tell anyone (or at least Tobias) about what happened.
***
I want to slap him, I want to kick him, I want to tear his hair off. It's Thursday morning and I'm in my bed because I told mom I felt too sick to go to school. But I want to kill Tom right now.
I have to admit that I've been keeping tabs on him. And the reason I want to kill him right now is because a new picture of him kissing another woman has been released. While we were seeing each other they called me the ''mystery girl'' but this woman has a name and the picture was taken about three days ago
I watched an interview about him. He was talking about how Thor: The Dark World is coming about. One of the questions was that if he was dating this mystery girl......and he answered no. He says he met this new woman somewhere in New York and that's all I hear before I threw my iPod across the room.
I angrily walk towards his apartment thinking of everything I want to tell him. I hate you, why did you do this, that was quick.......these angry feelings keep accumulating until I notice I'm not sure if I'm thinking of telling him those things or Adam. It's about 1:37 pm when I get to his building and I'm not even sure he's home.
