showbiz // phan

Escape

"He... Jesus Christ, he is probably the prettiest person I have ever seen in my life. But it wasn't even that what made me fall for him, it was just... his way of thinking, I loved his mind, his personality so much, I just... I don't think there are words to describe it. He once said how he thinks of the human mind as a galaxy. Infinite and beautiful, but also scary and dark. With thousands of stars inside of it, and tiny planets yet unknown to mankind." He smiled lightly. "That's when I first kissed him." Phil felt tears form in his eyes. He missed Dan so much, God, so fucking much, but he didn't know what to do to fix their relationship.

"With him, I felt like I was able to do everything. He made me feel stronger. And I felt as if I could get through everything as long as he was by my side.

"He accepted me the way I was, with all my flaws and the constant frustration, and he made me work harder. He was my motivation to try harder again when it came to acting. I wanted to come home in the evening and tell him how I went to an amazing audition that day, and that maybe, just maybe, I could finally earn enough money with what I loved doing. But... the latter never happened. And things started to fall apart."

Tears now actually started flowing down Phil's face but he didn't try to stop them. These two people in front of him said they wanted to get to know him, so Phil would give them the real Phil, with all of his feelings and emotions, without trying to hide them. He had nothing to lose anymore, after all.

"You know, the thing with Dan was that he... he was too good for me. He wasn't even aware of that, I think. But he deserves so much better than me, and I knew that the whole time I was in that relationship with him. He was my escape from reality because whenever I was with him I managed to forget about all the frustrating things I had to go through before. But at some point, I started to take him for granted. But he didn't care. He still supported me, still listened to me, still hugged me when I needed it. And I was such a fucking prick.

"I don't even know what happened that night. But I came home and yelled at him. I never did that before, I never even wanted to do that, but I... I lost control over myself, I never felt like this before, I can't even describe it. I was so angry and frustrated and... and no matter what I'm telling you right now, it doesn't justify what I said to him. I... I wanted to provocate him at all costs, I don't know why, I just... I felt like I had to. So I told a lie. And that was when I lost him."

Phil hesitated, trying to find the right words.

"The problem with words is that sometimes, they don't mean anything to you. Yet they are able to shatter everything around you, and that's exactly what happened that moment. And I... I broke his heart." Phil's voice was nothing more than a whisper when he tried to get out the last sentence.

"We haven't talked since we broke up. He didn't want to, of course he didn't, but I tried. But there was no way for me to reach him." Phil paused. He felt his heart beat going fast, he wasn't sure why. But he now felt tears landing on his shirt.

"Today, I saw him again for the first time in weeks. And God, is he beautiful." Phil stopped for a second, trying to reorganise his thoughts.

"But, ha, you know what he did? As soon as he saw me, he ran away from me. He hates sports, you know. But in that moment, he ran. As if we're still in primary school or something." Phil let out a sarcastic laugh, not looking at the woman and the man sitting in front of him.

"Another thing I didn't do since we broke up was go to auditions. It suddenly just seemed so pointless to me. Having no one that you can come back to every night. I miss that the most, actually. The times we had dinner together and told each other about our day. He always told me his stories about weird customers he had that day, and I would tell him about rude casting directors. We made each other laugh, no matter how terrible our days had been. And honestly, I could probably go on for hours and hours with reasons as to why he was the best thing that has ever happened to me and why I am the most stupid and terrible and gross asshole in this whole world, but honestly, the point is... he changed me. In the best way possible. Even this break-up, I... I like to think it helped me become a better person. Because without all of this, maybe I wouldn't have realised how I started to take him for granted or how much he actually helped me. I'm not saying I'm proud of what I did. I could throw myself out of a window for that, right now. And I'm also definitely not happy that it happened. But maybe... maybe it needed to happen. Maybe it needed to happen so I could finally wake up again." Phil sighed. "And I didn't realise that until I saw him again today. And I honestly just wish so fucking much that I could turn back the time."

Phil turned his head back to look at the two casting directors again. He looked right into their eyes before he closed his own eyes for a second, trying to think. And when he opened them again, his quiet voice could be heard again.

"And well, basically that was the story of how I lost the love of my life."