showbiz // phan

Uno

Dan sighed. "But that doesn't change the fact I still love him," he whispered and Pauline sighed.

"Oh, Dan," she said and wrapped her arms around him, hoping it would make him feel better somehow. "You deserve better than him, okay?" She smiled.

"But maybe I don't want anyone better than him."

"Dan, what he did to you was terrible. Trust me, you do want someone better." She hugged Dan again, and Dan sighed. "I'll try."

"I know you will find someone. Maybe you'll meet that someone in the bakery when you pick up the cake for Chris tomorrow, who knows?"

Dan sighed and then chuckled lightly. "Okay, I'll come with you, but only if you promise me to ask out that guy in the library you're always staring at."

"What? No!"

"Come on Pauline, you've been telling me about him for weeks now. Maybe he'll like you, too."

Her cheeks reddened and she looked down to the floor. "No."

"Pauline, come on."

She sighed." You'll come with me if I talk to him?"

"Yes."

She rolled her eyes and sighed again. "Fine, then. I'll pick you up tomorrow afternoon so we can get the cake. And take a shower, for fuck's sake."

Dan laughed, but it didn't feel real to him. Even though he laughed and smiled and giggled, he couldn't imagine ever being happy again. Not after what Phil had done to him.

➳

Even though it had been the exact reason him and Dan broke up, Phil went back to his old job.

There was just nothing else he could do. He didn't have anything else, or anyone, in his life anymore, so he decided to make money. And this was the easiest way.

He missed Dan so fucking much. His smile, his voice, his way of thinking. Everything. There was a Dan-shaped hole in his heart, and he had no idea what to do about it. He tried everything, but there was no way to reach Dan, no matter what he tried. Dan didn't even go to work anymore. Whenever the black haired man turned up there, he would only find Dan's friend, Pauline, and she would only shoot him angry glances and tell Phil to get the fuck out of the boutique. He had broken Dan's heart, and Pauline had no problem showing Phil that.

He would never forgive himself for what he had done to Dan, he knew that.

Of course, Phil didn't go back to Nathan. He was sure he never wanted to do that to himself again. But stripping? Why not?

He has to admit he was drunk as hell when he made that decision, though. And he was also drunk as hell whenever he went on stage. But the people didn't care, and neither did he.

Whenever he noticed he was getting a bit too drunk, he would try and count in Spanish. If he didn't get any further than tres, he knew he had to stop. He never learned Spanish, so he knew that his 'strategy' would always work out. Kind of. Well, he hoped so, at least. Okay, maybe it was just some excuse so he could tell himself that he wasn't drunk enough yet.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco...

He had stopped going to auditions. It just seemed so fucking pointless to him. So until he would have figured out what else to do with his life, he would just do some dancing for drunk people.

But then, his agent called him. He sounded rather excited, and Phil didn't get why.

"Phil, you need to attend that audition. It could be the next big thing."

"Jesse, I told you I'm done with acting. I don't want this anymore." He chugged a shot. Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco...

"But Phil, just... try one more time, I'm sure you can do this."

"Jesse, no."

"Just try!"

Phil sighed. "Will you shut up then?"

"Yes!"

"Fine, then I'll be there. Tomorrow at three pm, you said?"

"Exactly."

"Good." And without even saying goodbye, he hung up and groaned.

"Phil?" Phil turned around when he heard PJ's voice behind him.

"Coming," Phil muttered and looked at himself in the mirror again, one more time before he had to go on stage. He filled another shot glass with pure vodka and chugged it right after.

He walked out of the room afterwards, where PJ already waited for him.

"Are you drunk again?" He asked, and Phil shrugged his shoulders.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro...

"Phil, I know that what happened with Dan was terrible, but-"

"Don't you dare talk about him," Phil snapped and PJ's eyes widened at his reaction.

"Okay fine, but please take more care of yourself. I'm worried about you."

"Whatever," Phil said. He could tell PJ wanted to say something else, too, but Phil turned around anyway and made his way over to the stage.

When he stood out there and did his thing, he couldn't help but think of Dan. He couldn't help but think of how Dan saw him up here and still accepted him, he couldn't help but think of how even though he knew it made him jealous, Dan still didn't ask Phil to stop doing this. He couldn't help but think of how Dan had always supported him, no matter what, even though their relationship didn't last long. He couldn't help but miss Dan, with every single part of his body.

Uno, dos, tres...