Depression and how One Direction helps me get through the day. (True Story)<3

This is not a "fanfic" or anything like that. This is the story of my life and how my family, friends, and the band, One Direction, help me get through the day.

My name is Jessica Yourman. I am 18 years old, turning 19 on March 20, 2012. And right now, I am so bottled up with emotions that I can’t take a shower without falling to the ground and crying. I have decided to share my story with you. Not because I want attention, but because I want to reach out to others who are struggling with depression. Everything that you read is the truth. Judge me if you want, I do not care.

I have always been a shy girl. All throughout elementary school, intermediate school, and high school. In 5th grade, I was introduced to Hannah Traylor. I met several new friends through Hannah. Hannah was my best friend up until our senior year of high school. I don’t know where our friendship went wrong, but we started drifting apart. I would always talk to my other best friend, Amber Vance, about my emotions. But then I started to drift away from her too. I became depressed.

I started hanging out with Jessica Dale, one of my friends I met through Hannah, a lot more. We became instant best friends. She was always there when I needed to talk to someone and I told her all of my darkest secrets. She is basically my sister.

During Spring Break 2011, Amber, Hannah, Austin, and Kyla all went down to Panama City Beach, Florida. While we were there, I met an amazing guy. His name was Matt Lee. I spent four hours on the beach, almost every night we were down there, just talking to him. I have always suffered from low self-esteem and I have never felt pretty, but when I was with him I felt beautiful. Every other week I would go down to PCB to visit him and when I wasn’t down there with him, I was always texting him. I knew that I was becoming too clingy, but I couldn’t help it. When I was home in Alabama, I felt so depressed, but when I was with him all of my worries went away. As we drifted apart I became depressed again. I would get home from work and go straight to sleep because I didn’t want to deal with life. I loved to sleep because I felt like my dreams were better than reality.  I missed hanging out with Matt, I missed feeling beautiful.

My parents are amazing. I love them to death and I would do anything for them. They have always made sure to give my brother and I everything we want and they made sure we are happy. But the truth is, money can’t buy happiness. Growing up, I was basically known as the “spoiled, happy, shy girl” when in reality I was the “sad, depressed girl.” I knew how to fake smile and make people think everything was okay. When in reality, I just wanted to go straight to my bed and sleep my life away.

Now, enough with the past and more about the present;

My name is Jessica Yourman. I am 18 years old, turning 19 on March 20, 2012.

Two days ago my best friend told me she was possibly moving to Florida. She was in Florida (on vacation) when she sent me the text message, she had been in Florida since Thursday. When I read her text message, I almost started to cry. She is my closest friend and I though that if she moved, I would have no one left. It was my own fault though, I had drifted away from my other friends. My parents even commented about how I never hang out with anyone except her. The truth is, I feel like her and Amber are my only friends. I know it’s true. I feel like I have no one. So, after reading her text message, I went to take a hot shower to try and relieve stress. While I was in the shower, I started thing about my life. My friendship with Hannah, my friendship with Amber, my friendship with everyone, my family, my school work, my college classmates, my grades, my future, and myself. I squatted down in the shower and covered my face with my hands to muffle my sobs. I felt pitiful. I felt pitiful for having no friends, I felt like I was just an anchor to everyone. I was just weighing them down. I felt like no one cared about my feelings. I had never felt so alone. After sitting in the shower for almost an hour, I started thinking about how I just wanted the stress to go away. I did not want to kill myself, I would never do that. I am not suicidal. But I did want to make the emotional pain stop. I decided that physical pain would stop the emotional pain. I grabbed the closest thing to me, which was a pair of tweezers. I began to dig the tip of the tweezers into the top of my thigh. I felt like it just wasn’t working, so I grabbed my razor that I use to shave my legs with and I broke the plastic handle off. I was able to get one of the razors free from the shaver. I proceeded to drag it across my thigh, making an inch long cut. Then I made another inch long cut. I made three marks on my skin. One with tweezers and two with a razor. One was to relieve the pain about my friends, one was to relieve the pain about my family, and the other was to relieve the pain about myself. The second cut was bleeding a little bit more than the other so I got out of the shower and covered them up with tissue. After they bleeding stopped, I got dressed and went to tell my parents that I was going to bed. I laid in bed and cried because I felt so ashamed that I harmed myself. I felt disgusting. I decided to text Matt and tell him. He has always been there to listen to me, even if we don’t see each other face to face. He talked me through it and I decided to Skype Jessica D. While I was talking to her, I was contemplating telling her about what I did. I decided not to because I did not want her to think it was her fault. She still does not know. Only three people know -Matt, Amber, and my friend, Michaela King.

After talking to Matt, I realized that I never want to harm myself in any way, ever again. I believe that I just hit a rough patch in my life, but Matt helped me see through it. <3 He reminded me that God is amazing. When I told him that I felt like I was so alone, he replied, “You are never alone. Ever. As long as you have a hand to reach out, you will always have someone to grab on to it and pull you up.” I honestly believe that God sent me a guardian angel.

Today, I was driving home from class and I started listening to the song, “Moments” by One Direction. When I heard the chorus, I started to cry because I felt as though God was sending me a message.

I hope that other realize that they too are never alone. I may still be feeling depressed, but I know that God is watching over me. I know that he will always be there for me, no matter what.

I love my life and I would not change it for anything. I love my family and friends to death and I would do anything for them.

My goals for this year is to be faithful, strong, loving, beautiful and confident. I also plan to write One Direction and tell them that their album is one of the things that keeps me staying strong and it makes me feel beautiful everyday. <3

God bless. <3

Thank you for reading.

Jessica Yourman. XOXO

Twitter - @ThatKidJessica

P.s. I am sorry if there are any misspelled words or any confusing things in my post.

Share this if you want, I do not mind.

I want to spread a message to everyone who is feeling down.

You are beautiful no matter what. Do not let the stress of today cause you to take away your tomorrow. <3