The Alien's Guide to Conquering Earth

Rule 5: Compassion and the Lack Thereof

Log Date: August 16th, 2526

(20-45-68341)

Audio Transcript

So, I, uh, logged today's date as an Earth day. I don't really know why, but at the time, like, five seconds ago, it seemed kind of funny. Like maybe someone sometime in the future will think it's funny that the day I start paying attention to how humans actually do things is the day... we're leaving their planet.

...

Oh, boy, these feelings are complicated.

Okay, so yesterday we, um, dropped off the humans. I don't think they knew? Really? That we were leaving today? I don't know, they seemed pretty torn up. I honestly don't know why. We, like, destroyed their planet. I mean, what are they gonna do now? Maybe that's why we looked like they didn't want to leave. I feel pretty guilty.

I guess I better explain, huh. Okay. We landed somewhere in the Old Canadian Territory. It used to be called just "Canada," I guess, until it was invaded. I wasn't able to get any more information about that. We set up a communications hub and contacted Home with the predicament. They understood and, not wanting to place their explorers in any more danger, decided that it would be best to simply have the entire mission head home. Yeah, that's right. The entire mission. So I guess when I say I'm guilty, that's, like, a horrible understatement. [Here Arachnolopithides attempted a parody of the Global Bureau of Exploration.] "Oh, yeah, next time I guess we'll send some more backup!" Yeah, sure, Mr. Fluorebios. Just make me feel worse than I do now. "Honestly, your destabilizers should have been enough to take out the humans!" Right, right; I totally understand. Deflect this blame on me. It's like they don't even know how reactions work. It's like they think I'm gonna be totally perfect when a crazy species is lobbing projectiles at me, right. Got it.

...But in all seriousness, it was completely my fault. I should have been more careful. Why did I decide to leave all our supplies out in the open like that anyway?

Okay, but then, after we had the comms hub set up, we took the humans to a wide-open plain. And then Bigliess, whose name's first syllable tells you everything you need to know about his strength, just kinda. Opened the holding bay. And just. Threw the humans out by the backs of their shirts. They fell the two meters it took to touch the ground. I mean, like, the look they gave us as we took off will forever be ingrained in my memory.

It's pretty quiet here without them asking all their questions.

Why are emotions so complicated? See, when I lived in the big city, Facet 1, for my entire life I didn't know stuff could be so in-depth. Like, I basically had to tell myself I was happy, or that I was sad. Even when I met her (those feelings are complicated too. Why???) I just kinda knew there was no going back. But now that I've met these two stupid humans, I know there can be. I can feel whatever way I want to.

Maybe this is what it feels like to be human.

I kind of like it.

Log Date: August 19, 2526

(20-58-68341)

Audio Transcript

I know I said I wasn't going to log anymore, but this one I'm sending directly to Home. Yes, Mr. Fluorebios, we are safely on our way.

Log Date: August 27, 2526

(20-64-68341)

Today is the human August's date of birth. I thought I might log it simply so that when I return to Home and reread my logs, I might find some consolation in these words, which I shall write now.

On Home, we don't celebrate dates of births. I don't even know mine. But perhaps, even for a moment, if I can celebrate someone else's, all is not lost.

We are shooting through space faster than the speed of light. We will arrive on Home in about a month.

Log Date: 21-4-68341

We have landed on Home. I will not be returning to Earth.

This is my last log.

Signing off,

COMM. Fenzea Arachnolopithides