The Alien's Guide to Conquering Earth

Foreword

By Dr. Lawkneander Niagra, colonizer of Earth

It is every young child's dream to explore and conquer a planet. It certainly was mine. I grew up in Facet 5.4, during the Exploration Renaissance. On the news, we heard about the conquering and cartographing of a dozen planets. I would study the maps created via holosonar for hours. It was during this time I developed a love for our history, and the history of exploration in general. I pored through records and captains' logs of journeys millenias ago in the Library of Progress. I found something rather peculiar while searching-- an old electripage journal from hundreds of years ago detailing the exploration of a far-off planet named Earth. In loopy handwriting, the journal said on its front, "Commander's log: Terra Colony 34. Global Bureau of Exploration, COMM. FENZEA ARACHNOLOPITHIDES." Whoever they were, I reasoned they might still be alive, as two hundred thirty-six years is not a long time to live. When I got my job at the aforementioned Global Bureau of Exploration in hopes of being a Captain or Commander, the first thing I did with my newfound power was look into the records for a certain Fenzea... I learned I was four years too late; that she had died in 68476 after a comfortable life in Facet 12.7.

To say I was disappointed is an understatement. My superiors noticed and questioned why I was down, and when I told them and showed them her journal, they arranged me a meeting with the Global Bureau of Publication. I was asked if I wanted to write a biography of Arachnolopithides, as even though she was the first to explore the thirty-fourth Terra colony, and befriend the wildlife there, she had been forgotten. I declined. I wanted to go to Earth myself, not write some book about a long-dead commander.

I got my wish in the fifth season of the year 68493, as well as a new spaceship (The Peregrine, named after the fastest animal on Earth), and a crew of seven, with which I was to explore Earth. Someday I may write up a more detailed copy of my explorations, but to sum it up in a sentence, we arrived and used brute force to overpower the dominant species on the planet-- the very same humans Arachnolopithides had befriended. We were treated like heroes when we returned. I retired, and wrote several science fiction books about the species of human I encountered. There seemed to be a pattern with them: They portrayed humans as kind and not terribly threatening, when in reality humans were the most bloodthirsty creatures I had ever encountered. (And I've met the Rociadors from Mare colonies one through five.) Perhaps this is because this is the way Arachnolopithides described humans in her private journals. When I realized this, I began to feel nostalgic for the days when I read her journals front to back and back to front ten times a day. Now I'm back to finish the job I started, with a small handbook explaining how to colonize the Earth. It features every single log Arachnolopithides wrote and recorded while on Earth, and how she might have colonized the planet before her crew died. Throughout the handbook, the Global Bureau of Publication has helpfully scattered warnings and identification on the different life forms that inhabit Earth, from fungi to grizzly bears, so one young explorer might not make the same mistakes Arachnolopithides did.

It is my hope that aspiring colonizers hold themselves to the same standards as Commander Fenzea Arachnolopithides did.

--Dr. Lawkneander Niagra