The Alien's Guide to Conquering Earth

Rule 2: Listen to the Humans

Log Date: 19-67-68341

Okay. It's been a few Earth hours since the two cities were destroyed, and our lifescanners are indicating that there is no life in the surrounding areas at all, except for a few small divots in the ground where presumably small creatures have buried themselves. We've sent down drones to begin fanning the dust and smoke away from the large sites. As soon as the death toll rises enough for Earth to be considered habitable again, we will send our entire mini-fleet to compact the atmosphere. With the compacted dust bricks, we'll then follow protocol and use them to build the outline of cities. We have everything we need for that-- but it's my team's job (me, Shylo Caius, and Drephon Bigliess) to scout the area for the best city sites. Then, if we can't find enough biofuel for us to stay alive until the next shipment, we'll leave Earth, and quite possibly never return. This is why we can't grow attached to this planet.

I've just had Caius alter the atmospheric pressure and components in the holding cells, so the humans should be waking soon. I'm very excited to talk to them--I've learned their language and everything. I want to ask them plethoras of questions about their planet, and how they live in such a dangerous and challenging environment. I want to know how their planet is run. How advanced are their global bureaus? How extensive are their global peace programs? These are the questions I want to ask.

I only know they are awake when we hear banging and loud noises from below the deck. Caius sighs and murmurs that he'll get it. "Don't hurt them," I remind gently. He points his thumb straight up. He is back in five minutes, and the noises have stopped. "What did you do?" I ask.

"I just stood in the doorway. Scared them a bit. Then I left."

I nod, and focus back on the task at hand.

Log Date: 19-72-68341

The drones have been equipped! And, also, a quick update: I have learned the humans' names. The tall one with the brown hat thing's name is Jay, and the short one with the yellow hat August. They putter around the ship asking questions and looking at Earth. The only times we let them see their home is when the dust has cleared enough that it looks normal. I know if the humans discover what we've done to their planet too soon, they shall never forgive us and therefore shall become useless to us and to our cause. They will know in due time.

Log Date: 19-73-68341

All is well. The drones have finished their duty, and piles of dust and debris miles high are clearly visible from the Earth's thermosphere. When we land tomorrow, we will have several days' time to travel around the world placing massive compactors to mix water and the dust to create bricks. These bricks will create the foundations for huge cities.

After the compactors have begun their job, the real fun begins. Our team of five, including the humans, will contact Home, and will be assigned a portion of the planet to explore and document. The other two groups, who shall always remain in touch with their leaders (the other two of my species in my team) will get a different section of the world. At the end of the mission, we can either stay on the planet or leave. I have a feeling which one I'll choose.

We'll report our findings, and retire to a life of luxury. I highly anticipate that. I would love to live in Facet 4 someday. It's a lovely planet, with not much atmosphere. It has a crust of solid ice, which incubates the water below. Near the core is the warmest. Instead of compacted dirt, cities below the crust are formed from air. Bubbles. A life on Facet 4 would be content, yet full of adventure. Its conquest was extremely easy. There was no life below the crust. All that had to be done was create cities.