Unconventional // z.m.

xxii. In Which She Struggles Alone

We hit 50k some time between now and the last time I updated, or maybe a little bit before?? I don't really know because I wasn't paying attention to the reader count on this story at all, and that's honestly just so fùcking crazy to me. I spent so long obsessing over sunglasses and the reader count on there, and rewriting the new sunglasses and working back up to 50k on the rewrite, and here I am on this book with this 50k I didn't even see coming. I can honestly say that I'm so proud of this book (and if you read the original sunglasses you'll know that I'm my own worst critic, so that's pretty damn remarkable, tbh). This isn't perfect, but I don't cringe when I think about this story, which is pretty rare to say about anything that I create.

Also, I'm extra proud of myself because I got to this point all on my own. The original sunglasses initially did so well bc I got the inspiration from a "story ideas" book by @1DLover121 (who I think has deactivated) and she was a really big author at the time so she gave me a huge headstart, basically. Unconventional is genuinely all from my own head, and I remember when I first posted it I was worried about how people were possibly going to find it and read it - and look where we are now.

I'm 50000% sure almost nobody read this whole note, but maybe some people will see this last part so I just wanna say thank you. Thank you so much to everybody who's been here from the beginning. Thank you so much to all the new readers for clicking on this story and finding it good enough to keep reading. Thank you so much for all the votes, and all the comments and sweet messages that absolutely make my day. This book has taken way too long considering that it's only 25 chapters, so thank you for all bearing with me on my rollercoaster of mental health and my erratic update schedule-that-isn't-really-a-schedule-at-all. I appreciate every single one of you more than you know.

*

Diamond fights back tears as she rejects yet another call from Zayn. The frequency of his calls are increasing, as is the weight of Diamond's guilt, because she knows that whilst he might be the one who sent her away, she's the one keeping them apart.

Discarding the newly emptied ice cream container, she sinks further into her sofa with a sigh. The hum of the TV seems distant when it's drowned out by the pandemonium of thoughts rushing around inside her head. She would like so badly to pick up the phone - but what would change? She would still disappear to sleep with strangers and Zayn would still be upset about it. As much as she loves him, it would be selfish to subject them both to the vicious cycle of break ups and make ups. It's much easier to sit here being miserable.

Tired eyes flicker to the screen of her laptop, opened to the near emptiness of Diamond's inbox. It's a remarkable feat, really, to have less than twenty emails in there. Trawling through the thousands that used to be there is what she considers her retribution - the punishment she deserves for hurting somebody like Zayn, for making all the stupid decisions that led up to her dropping out of school and ending up with a job that's stopping her from pursuing any kind of real relationship. Now few emails remain, but somehow that's worse. Now she can see exactly empty her inbox is, how few correspondences she's had with barely-friends that are no longer in her life. Now she can see the utter lack of emails from potential employers.

It's not a surprise, considering that she stopped going to school earlier than most, but it still stings to see the rejection emails from the few that even bother to respond to her application. It's a slap in the face, really; when she joined Pandora Pink's so many years before, she told herself it was temporary. The job was easy to get and it took care of her basic needs and those of her family, and although it took months to rid herself of the shame and the guilt that hit as she walked away from every client, it was relatively easy. She fell into a routine, a mere satisfaction with her life. There was once a time that she had hopes, ambitions, dreams. Now, whilst trying so desperately to find a new job, she's ashamed to admit that she's settled. Settled into this life, settled into solitude. She has food on the table, more than enough clothes on her back, and a roof over her head. Once upon a time, that would've been enough.