INSANITY

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Damn, so here I sit at the doctor's office and I swear everyone seems to be looking at me. It's like they know I'm going crazy. I close my eyes trying to shut everyone out. Luckily we don't wait long before we are called in.

When we walk in my doctor asked "well what seems to be the problem, that brought you in today." She asked.

I turned to look at my husband "I don't understand why I'm even here?" I ask him.

He laughed in a weird way. "Well seems like she finally fell off her rocker doc. For the past month I have been unable to sleep worried she would kill us in it. I humored her letting her barricade us but I thought it was something she was working through. But she is getting worse. Today she called the cops on me. On the bright side they did not have the mentality of shoot first, ask questions later. Or I wouldn't be here now."

He proceeded to tell her everything I have done this past month. The doctor would periodically look at me while she talked to my husband. I wanted to blend into the surroundings or have the ground open and swallow me.

Finally she turned to me. "Talk to me, what is it exactly that has you not sleeping?" She asked me.

"Someone is going to try to get in. I can feel it; I know they're out there looking for a way in my house. Looking for a way to hurt my children, I must protect them." I whispered while I looked down at my hands.

"Has anyone ever broken into your house?" She asked my husband.

"No our house is safe. That's what has me all worried." He tells her and she turns to me again.

"So it's only been a month since this started?" she asked me.

"Um, well no it's actually been longer, a lot longer. It's only been this last month that I went overboard" I tell her and she looks at me with something in her eyes.

"Well you know what I am going to put you on Clonezapam. This will help relax you in the night when you get the panic attacks. But I am going to give you this phone number. This specialist will be the one to help you." She tells my husband as she writes the number on a paper.

Well Hahaha it turns out the number was for a psychologist. Turns out I was fucking crazy.

I wasn't sure what to think of this. But my husband made the appointment and he took me later that afternoon. Fucking great, I though, I'm going to never live this down once my sister hear about this.

So when we got to this place, it was the funniest shit ever. The place did not look like an office building. It looked like a huge mansion. It was painted all white; I turned to look at my husband. Well shit at that point he couldn't hold in his laughter and he just roared with it.

Then he walked over to me and literally petted my hair as if I was a dog. "Soothing, this place is soothing and safe" he whispered calmly.

I smacked his hand away and glared at him and he crushed his mouth on mine holding me still. Since I was trying at that point to kick his ass and get him off me. Well what could I do I gave in and kissed him back. When he pulled away he looked down at me and smiled.

I smacked him on the chest "You're lucky I love you, big jerk." I told him as he kissed my nose.

"Well damn you're lucky I love you, crazy woman." He said making me laugh.

I took a deep breath and went in. It was nice inside all neutral colors and it looked like the inside of a house. All cozy none threatening. I actually did feel myself relax. The hubby took care of all the paperwork and I was called in.

The place looked like what you would expect. There were 2 chairs with a Lounge chair in front of them. And a small table in between. The quack doc. Got up and shook my hand and introduced himself. "So do I lie down, there?" I asked pointing at the lounge.

He laughed and then said "Honey if your tiered lie down or sit here" he said pointing at the other chair

I sat on the chair; I don't know this guy and lying down would put me at a disadvantage. "So what brings you here?" He asked me with a smile.

"Well, I guess my doctor thinks I'm crazy?" I told him and he laughed again. Damn, seems like I'm turning into a comedian now. Everyone seems to be laughing at me. It was really pissing me off.

"No one thinks you're crazy. Sometimes the brain takes a vacation, without telling us. So just relax and let's talk. Tell me what's happening." Man this guy is smooth. I felt myself telling him everything and he didn't laugh anymore.

Well after I guess my hour was almost up he set me up with an appointment to see the psychiatrist. Damn, I didn't know there was a difference. Seems he's a psychologist and can provide my medication. While the psychiatrist would be the one I had to pour my heart out to. So he could dissect me and tell me it was my mother's fault.

Any ways, he gave me a higher dosage of the Clonazepam and also a prescription for Zoloft. Seems one of the side effects from the Clonazepam is depression and along with a killer list of side effects. The medicine seemed worse than the sickness

So here I freaking am, gone plum loco, having to see a psychiatrist two times a month and the psychologist once every two months. And on drugs that will

Very common

· Drowsiness[26]

· Interference with cognitive and motor performance

· Euphoria

[edit] Less common

· Irritability and aggression[27]

· Psychomotor agitation[28]

· Lack of motivation[29]

· Loss of libido

· Impaired motor function

o Impaired coordination

o Impaired balance

o Dizziness

· Cognitive impairments[30]

o Hallucinations[31]

o Short-term memory loss[32]

o Anterograde amnesia (common with higher doses)[33]

· Some users report hangover-like symptoms of being drowsy, having a headache, being sluggish, and being irritable after waking up if the medication is taken before sleep. This is likely the result of the medication's long half-life, which continues to affect the user after waking up.

· The "hangover effect" some experience not only results from clonazepam's considerably long half-life. Like many other benzodiazepines, when taken as a sleep-aid, clonazepam disrupts or interferes with the brain's delta waves. Delta waves signify the brain's slowest waves (~4 Hz) and occur during Stage 4 sleep, which represents humans' deepest sleep state (our muscles are the most relaxed; breathing slows and becomes shallow), and the stage right before R.E.M. sleep and dreaming (Stage 5). Therefore, upon waking, this disruption of Stage 4 delta wave sleep causes a failure for an adequate brain/body rest or "recharge".

Ok right about now, was when I was wondering; why I didn't just jump off that bridge............

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