I Want To Do Real Bad Things With You (Boy x Boy)

(20) I Want To Do Real Bad Things With You

“Fuck!” I yelled and slammed my fist into the wall. It was the same one I used to assault the vending machine and a sharp pain stung through my arm. Maybe I cracked a bone, maybe I broke a few, I didn’.t care.

It hurt like shit, my hand was throbbing and my head was spinning and I was slowly losing control. I had to be strong for Jace, he needed me right now even though he won’t admit it but it was hard. I felt like screaming and breaking something but instead I slid down onto the floor, took a few deep breaths and tried to focus my thoughts.

I considered going to look for him but wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. He said he wouldn’t do anything stupid, that sounded reasonable, didn’t it? No, he wasn’t thinking straight, I couldn’t let him walk about on his own in the state he is in. What if he decided that killing himself didn’t qualify as something stupid? What if I go looking for him and it make things worse? What if I don’t and it’s too late?

My head was racing and images from the bloodied bathroom returned with full force. I had to go look for him. I had to find him and make sure he is okay

I had no idea where he would go when I got into my car and started driving down the road. The stereo was playing one of Jace’s favorite songs but I turned it off, not wanting to pull any attention to me if I found him. He wasn’t in any of the nearby streets and he wasn’t in the park a few blocks away so I started making my way towards town but changed my mind. He wouldn’t go to town, or at least I didn’t think he would so I headed in the opposite direction.

As soon as I saw the big gates I knew I had found him, I couldn’t believe that I didn’t think of it before. I pulled my car to the side of the road and headed into the cemetery, wondering if I should show myself when I find him. I couldn’t decide but continued making my way towards his mother’s grave.

I found him there just like I suspected. Sitting next to her gravestone, his back leaning against it and his legs pulled up against his chest. He didn’t see me so I stayed where I was, hiding behind a big memorial statue, as I watched him. He didn’t look up once as he sat there with his head buried in his hands, his dark hair hanging all over the place.

He looked like a tortured soul and without thinking I started to move out from behind my hiding place but I managed to catch myself in time. He wasn’t doing anything to harm himself and that is why I came looking for him, to make sure he was okay, not to intrude on his privacy and to force myself on him when he clearly wanted to be alone.

He wanted to be alone.

The idea stuck in my head and although it hurt like hell, I stayed where I was, needing to respect his wishes even though I didn’t understand.

Jace’s POV

I knew Drake was there. I could feel his presence and although I asked him not to, I knew he would come looking for me. I wasn’t angry at him for it but I wished he didn’t. I hate the fact that he has to see me like this, I hate what it is doing to him but most of all I hate myself for putting him through all of this. He shouldn’t have to deal with it. He shouldn’t have to suffer because of me. He should go back to university and follow his dreams of becoming a football star. He should find himself a nice girl, somebody his family and friends can be proud of, somebody that can give him the future he deserves. Somebody that can give him all the things I can’t.

We’ve never spoken about kids or getting married or having a family. I guess it didn’t matter before. It still doesn’t matter to me now, I can live without those things if it meant that I get to have Drake but he deserves so much more, somebody that can make his life better not worse. He deserves to have kids and grandchildren and a happy family. I can’t give those things to him. I can only make his life miserable. Look at us, I’ve ruined everything.