gone

n i n e t e e n : d e a r l o v e

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia and forget about the stupid little things. Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you, and the memories I never can escape.

his trembling hands

made it almost impossible

to read.

but he had to.

dear love,

i don't know how you are, or where you are.
i don't know what you're feeling,
because I don't know if you still love me,
but you shouldn't.
no, you really shouldn't.

but I know one thing for sure,
that this heart,
even after it stops beating,
will belong to you.

i know I was the one to leave,
i was the one to break the promises.
i was insane.
i thought making you hate me
was the right way to figure this mess out.

i thought I could stand this alone.
i was wrong.
completely,
terribly,
stupidly,
wrong.
i wish I had told you
what I was going through.
I know you would have stood by me.

i wish I could run to you,
and tell you
everything I wanted to scream that day.
that day,
when I turned my back.

That day,
when everything changed.

But I do realize that nothing can be undone now.

and now,
i need you more than anything.
but I know calling out would be of no use.

the doctors told me,
i could still make it through the surgery
when tomorrow comes.
but you know what?

I don't want tomorrow to come.
I don't want to make it through.
because I don't want a tomorrow,
that I can't share with you.

i don't know if you'll ever get this letter,
i don't know if these words will ever find their meaning.
i don't know if you'll come ,
when they finally tell you I'm gone.
because I don't know if you still love me.
and believe me,
it's not easy for me to say,
but you shouldn't.
no, you really shouldn't.

so, as I stare at my arm,
waiting for it to end,
i hope that
maybe one day,
you'll forgive me.
but even if you don't,
that's okay too.
That's the punishment I deserve,
And I'm ready to take it on me,
Happily.

Yours,
And yours only.
Forever.