Preordained #ProjectNigeria

26- I Never Asked For Anything

"He's doing fine. He was so scared when he saw me today."

"I thought he would retire sef."

"He announced his transfer to YabaTech on Monday."

"Poor YabaTech girls. I hope he meets more people like you, or maybe real marine spirits. It'll make him wonder if he's a marked man for the marine kingdom."

The thought makes me erupt in laughter. I laugh so hard that it amuses him and he joins me.

"Did you have a good week too?" I ask.

"Yes. Modern farming is not so bad."

"Modern farmer."

"That's right. I actually am a farmer, in simple terms."

"So long as you take pride in what you do, that's fine."

Look at you, giving advice, the small voice in my head mocks.

I remain silent and he lets me be. When we arrive at Elegushi beach, Maduka pulls out a blanket from the back seat of his car.

"I put it in yesterday so I wouldn't forget," he tells me with a boyish grin.

There is loud music near the shoreline. Phizbarz's Dance, a new hit, blasts from huge speakers lined up metres apart. People are dancing everywhere, dressed in bikinis and light, flimy clothes. The smell of suya mingles with that of salt from the sea, the cool breeze is a light caress on my skin.

"Let's get some food. What would you like?" Maduka asks.

"Some suya and a chilled bottle of Coke sound fine to me."

He takes my hand and leads me through the loose crowd, and it hits me how secure it feels to me, the firm clasp of his big hand on mine. I feel the calluses, the warmth, and wonder if he feels something similar.

We wait our turn at one of the suya vendors. He selects an assortment-beef, chicken, shaki and gizzards- and makes sure the man adds extra yaji, onions, tomatoes and cucumber slices. Next, he buys two chilled bottles of Coke. We select a less crowded area near the shoreline, he spreads the blanket on the sand while I hold our snacks, and when he's done, he collects them, waits for me to settle, before he finally does.

"Be careful this time," I warn.

"Trust me, I still remember the pepper."

It's very thoughtful of him to add cucumber slices to counter the effects of the onion slices on our breaths.

"It's so beautiful," I say after a few moments of staring at the water, the horizon where the orange sun meets it.

"And such beauty doesn't cost a thing to appreciate," he agrees.

"So did you bring me here to make up for the guilt you feel after finding out about my non-existent parents?" I finally ask, turning to look at him square in the face.

In the fading light, he looks surprised, hurt, even. His full brows come together, his mouth turns downwards at the sides.

"I've always wanted to bring you here, after that day with the kids. It's been on my mind since then."

I look away, turn my eyes back to the sea. It still baffles me why he even bothers with me.

"Listen, Nwanyieze. I feel bad about what happened last Saturday, sure. But that does not affect my desire to see you, to spend time with you."

"Then why do you desire to spend time with me? I mean, it's not like we're going to be having sex or something--" I pause when I see his expression.

Absolute shock and more of that hurt I hate to see on his face. He purses his lips now, a sure sign that I have dealt him a blow. His eyes don't leave mine, however. They hold me in thrall, all the while showing me that he isn't happy with my statement.

"Do you really think that's my aim, Nwanyieze? To have sex with you?"

I take him in, his whole image: still dressed in work clothes with his sleeves rolled up, shadow over his jaw, hair a bit messy. Blanket from the car he'd driven straight from work without going home to change his clothes. Patience he's been showing me, never opening his mouth once to make a cynical remark to my face.

Suddenly I feel like such a terrible person because clearly, he's been making efforts and I've been too consumed by my wariness to appreciate.

He puts a piece of suya into his mouth and chews slowly, takes his eyes off mine and stares at the sea.

"I'm sorry," I murmur, my throat feeling clogged. "I've ruined everything today, haven't I?"

"When I first saw you, I didn't think of sex."

"That's not something we women get to hear everyday."

"I saw much more than that."

If only you knew, I almost said.

"I...I thought you'd walk away after telling you I'm an orphan. And when you showed up I was surprised because I wasn't expecting you."

He shakes his head and chuckles. "Is that supposed to be an obstacle?"

I raise my face, close my eyes, and allow the cool breeze to run over my skin. When I open my eyes, he's staring at me, brows raised. Darkness is close by, and so the light bulbs perched on wooden poles yards behind us come on, and only a little bit reaches us.

"I thought it would be an obstacle, Maduka. Honest. I don't know where I'm from, I have no origins, no people to fall back on. Only Mama Uju and Adanna are who I live for. I have nothing to offer anyone."

"I never asked for anything. And believe me, you have so much to offer."

"What do you see that I can offer? It puzzles me. You just show up, try to brighten my day. You act like we've been friends for years, you're always so patient."

My mouth doesn't want to stop moving. My heart feels like it's about to burst. The words pour out of me in a rush because they need to be out there in the open, so I can let him know that I desperately need to figure out what he wants from me, why he has taken it upon himself to try for me, and also why I even let him.

He inches his hand towards mine on the blanket, slowly at first until it covers mine. I get that secure feeling again from his touch, telling me that I'm safe and no harm will come to me.

"Can I touch your face?"

His request startles me so much that I nod in silence. His other hand rises and lands gently on my cheek before slowly running over my forehead, my nose, then the other cheek. It's almost like he's trying to remember something, the way his face is full of concentration. His thumb traces the outline of my lips, its touch feather-light. I sigh involuntarily, feeling so relaxed and yet so aware of him.

When his hand moves away, I feel a sense of loss, I almost grab it back to place it where it had been.

"Maduka."

"Yes?"

He has this way of holding me with his gaze, and now in the dim lights, I can feel the intensity of it, the way he looks at me like I'm the only thing he sees. I inhale deeply, my heart hammers against my chest, I feel goose bumps rise on the skin of my bare arms. The sea raises up its waves, crashing walls of water against each other and spraying us with droplets.

"Kiss me."

A/N: Ugh, finally. Kiss since, una no gree.