11 Reasons Why

#11: Love

Dedicated to my fwiend Felisha, as per her request. You're welcome, buddy.

11 Reasons Why

© Bree Stonefield, 2013

11. Love

            When she read the word love, the first one she thought of was him. And when she saw him, the first one that came to her mind was the word love.

Maybe it was because he was her only perspective of love, so far. The way he looked at her, the way he smiled, the way his fingers danced on her palm, the way his hand held hers, the way he laughed, the way he cheesily flirted with her, the way he was so determined to catch his dreams, the way he apologized after admitting the lies he'd told, the way he tried so hard to remember the little things he forgot, the way he teased her mercilessly only to get her annoyed, and the way she let her heart flutter and she ended up blushing every time her name slipped out through his lips... If that wasn't love then what was it?

She'd always wanted someone to take a look at her, to more than only glance at her for a few more seconds, to actually stop and stare at her. He was the only one who could give her that.

But things had been done, words had been said, and mistakes happened; he, in fact, was already too far out of her reach no matter how far she tried to stretch out her arms for him.

She realized that for a long time now, he would still constantly pop into her mind out of nowhere. She didn't know how or when it would stop, but she just knew that by day, the pain lessened. Now he could freely visit by her mind and she wouldn't even flinch.

She missed him; maybe not him, maybe only the moments that they'd shared. But now, thinking about him didn't hurt that much anymore.

There would come a day, she was sure of it, that she no longer woke up from a dream of him. But it was not today.

He was her first true love, not just a stupid puppy love, but her first real love. Sure, there was the time she fell in love in kindergarten, and there were a lot of crushes after that. But he was the one whom she gave her whole heart to, he was the first one who could teach her everything about love she'd never known before, he'd made her feel the feelings that she didn't even knew existed. And he would not be the last, but he would still mean something to her. She knew that she would forever hold a place in her heart for him.

She didn't know when she would love again after him, but right now, when she saw the word love, he was still the first one that she thought of.

March, 2011

AVOIDING Grant was a little bit harder than I'd imagined it would be.

                Probably because he was more persistent that I was. When he disappeared a few weeks ago, I just let him, gave him space because I figured that he was busy with his own world—the one world that didn't include me in it.

                But when it came to the other way around, he couldn't take no for an answer. His calls and messages that went unanswered never stopped coming—when I turned my phone off he'd just call my house phone and ending up disturbing the whole house.

                All I did was shot back the one excuse he'd been using. I was busy; I'd tell him while I was lying on my bed staring at my ceiling with nothing to do.

                Yeah, I was busy. Too busy wondering what had gone wrong between us and finding a way to maybe fix it.

                It had been a few days since the day when I'd caught him lying to me, and I'd still pretended to not know a thing and only avoided him. To be honest, I didn't even think I could              look at him in the eye without feeling betrayed.