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もういや — no more.
Nothing's the same. Nothing's ever gonna be the same. Ever again.
Flashes of black everywhere. Too many people. Scared. Shaking. But tries to hide it anyway. These people pity him enough.
Nakakainis ka, Cheol.
They're taking turns in holding Jihoon's hand gently, almost carefully. As if he's suddenly as fragile as glass. Jihoon wants to bail, more than anything. He never wanted to be here in the first place. Fuck customs, Jihoon would normally just ditch it all together but decides against it.
He wants to fall, just to prove to everyone's he's not glass, not as fragile as he seems, to prove everyone he's not gonna shatter when he falls.
But his sunken, passive face says otherwise, no matter how hard he tries to hide it, it shows. Jihoon knows it. He hates it.
"Jihoon, sorry," says one. Jihoon nods. They come one after another. In pairs, in groups, in threes. Jihoon doesn't recognize most of them. Only some.
"I'm so sorry for your loss."
Not that he cares who's here.
Nakakainis ka, Seungcheol.
"Jihoonie hyung, we're sorry. Okay ka lang?"
Jihoon smiles. It's strained. It is. But it's the best he can give. He shouldn't be smiling at all but he did smile. "Mmm."
He doesn't say "It's okay" because it isn't. It fucking isn't. They all know that, too. So they didn't push on. Ngumiti lang din sila pabalik. With pity.
Damn you, Choi Seungcheol.
The strangers are replaced with more familiar and friendly faces until Jihoon's own friends reach him.
"Pakatatag ka, Jihoon," he hears Jeonghan whisper into his ear. Jihoon tries not to blink. Natatakot siyang baka may luhang aksidenteng tumulo.
He doesn't want to cry. Not when they're all around him, watching him from nearby, from a far, watching him with pity. Poor Jihoon, they would say. Poor, poor Jihoon.
Hindi niya kailangan ng awa nila. Hindi niya kailangan ang lahat nang 'to. Hindi niya kailangan ang mga taong 'to. Seungcheol was the only one who cared anyways—he cared for stray puppies, he cared for those children he played with at the playground, he cared for the people around here, most of them are his friends, everyone knew Seungcheol—so why start now? Why should Jihoon want to stand here and accept these strangers' sorry's?
Jihoon didn't even know them. Bakit ba sila nag-so-sorry? May kasalanan ba sila? Sila ba ang may kasalanan ng lahat? Great to know that if they have! Cause now Jihoon would have someone to blame. But they've done nothing wrong. And no matter how much Jihoon wants to scream, to thrash, to throw a fit . . . he can't. Wala silang kasalanan.
