Beyond Repair

Broken

It was about three years ago. We met at a comic book convention. He was a hot Natsu, and I was an adorable Robin. It just so happened that he was in love with Young Justice and I had an obsession with Fairy Tail. I was a huge fan of Natsu and he thought Dick Grayson was amazing. We hit it off right away; two nerds babbling about their fandoms together. He gave me his number, and I returned the favour.

We texted back and forth for months, flirting the entire time. Both him and I hadn't asked whether or not the other was gay, we somehow just knew. Either that or we didn't care.

No matter what the topic, it always ended in us fantasising about meeting once again. It was highly unlikely, though. We were from two very different worlds. He was from the busy city of Phoenix, while I was inhabiting the little town of Queen Creek. Neither of us could drive at all, let alone a whole forty-five minutes from home.

Eventually, a fan fest came around, and I convinced my step mother to take me. I made arrangements with him to meet up. This time with me as Nightwing and him as Grey.

That was when he first kissed me. It was amazing. The most lovely feeling I had ever experienced. It was obvious that the two of us were each virgins to kissing. Our lips moved together sloppily, but neither I nor him cared.

We enjoyed the rest of the event together, having the most amazing time. I bought him a piece of Young Justice fan art, and he repaid me with multiple stuffed Fairy Tail toys. Several kisses were shared during that time we had together; it was the best day I had ever had. But, much like all good things, it had to end. As I walked away, I promised to text him later, and he did the same.

The second that I arrived home, I sent him a message. I spent hours staring down at my phone, waiting for a reply that would never come. My family questioned me; as I hadn't smiled even a little for the rest of that day. The absence of conversation between him and I should not have affected me as much as it did. Worry wrinkles worked their way upon my face as the weeks passed by. I couldn't help but think that something happened to him.

After a year had passed, I had almost forgotten about the boy. The boy that my fourteen year old self thought I might end up falling in love with. I had been seeing other people, not paying him a single thought. With just a little more time, I might have completely forgotten. But, of course, my memory was refreshed when I had seen him at that year's comic convention. I saw him in a Natsu costume; the same one he had worn a year ago. I would have confronted him. I'm sure that I would have... if he was not pressed up against a girl, sticking his foul tongue down her throat.

I couldn't stop the tears flowing down my cheeks and blurring my vision. Why had it affected me so much? I never even learned his name, yet my heart ached at the sight of him with this stranger.

Now, three years after I met him; two after I saw him with the girl, I look back. I was an idiot to let him do that to me. To let him affect me on such a high level. The young are foolish and know nothing about love. Even now, as a seventeen year old, I'm in still the dark when it comes to that level of affection.

It's rather sad that I hadn't figured it out until now. I was stupid all of those times that I thought I loved someone. All of those times that I let someone into my heart. Those times that I let someone break me a little more. If only I had figured this out earlier, I might have been able to be saved. But because it had taken me so long, because I had allowed so many people to do this to me, I'm now beyond repair. I cannot be saved. No one can fix me.

To all of those that hurt me like this boy did, I want you to come to my funeral and see what you've done. Before I met any of you, I was already fragile. I was already sensitive and messed up. I went to you, thinking you could fix that. But all you did was make it worse. All any of you did was push me closer and closer to my suicide.