Memories

Present- as of 10/27/16

Hello, I'm Krystal, but I really prefer to be called Dex. There is a lot to know about me, but this chapter will focus on the basics. I am biologically a female, but I feel like neither a boy or a girl. Currently I am 15 years old, however I feel as though I have lived a full lifetime, died, and reborn again as a new person. This is all metaphorically speaking.

I am currently 'diagnosed' with Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, and PTSD. I try not to let labels define me. In June of 2016 (this year) I tried to end my life. I swallowed numerous things including lighter fluid, a bottle of ibuprofen, over dosing on my own medication, random things in the medicine cabinet, condoms (I honestly don't even know why?) and also some coins. To make a long story short- I got sick 2 weeks later, was sent to the hospital for a week and then sent to a psychiatric hospital for around 2-3 weeks. This was not my first time there but it will most definitely be my last. Hopefully.

I originally lived with my father and 3 sisters. My mom would come in and out of the picture as she pleased. She was also living a very mentally unstable life although she may never admit to it. The oldest, Sam, shortly moved away for college around the same time that my step-mom moved in along with my 3 step sisters. We all got along. Soon after (2014) we had found out my mother had gotten married to a man named Jamie Danowski that we barely knew. We weren't invited to the wedding but my sister, Amber was.

This destroyed me for a while, I was hurting myself and thought about killing myself. I was soon after sent to Mather hospitals psychiatric ward, 2North. I started taking medication November, 2014.

One day, I had gotten in contact with my mom, after she got married and only invited one of my sisters, Amber.
Amber was not on the best path of life at that time either, she was recently 'kicked' out of our house for doing drugs and other stuff. Anyway, me and my mom had gotten back in touch.

Before this I was very angry with my mom for choosing men over her children and not inviting me and my sister to the wedding, but after we talked I felt bad for her. She guilt tripped me in a way. That doesn't excuse what I did next. I was seeing her a lot (this is about 2015) and I really didn't want her to disappear like she had done in the past, so I asked to move in.

It sounded great, I'd live with my half brothers (who's father died before they were infants) I'd see my mom daily, I'd also see my moms parents, and I'd get to know my new "Step-Father".

I talked to my dad about it and he didn't like the idea. I did not understand why. I wish I understood he was trying to protect me. In the past(2013) I had picked up the nasty habit of self harm. I was constantly burning and cutting myself. I remember trying to prepare to run away, and I refused to leave my room. I would go to the bathroom in a garbage pale, and only left for school purposes. I was smoking cigarettes and painting on the walls most of my day. Eventually I tried to hang myself and I was sent to South Oaks psych. hospital. After that when I came home my family tried to talk to me and I ignored them and my dad called the cops because I tried to jump out of the car earlier that day. I was then sent to Brunswick.

I denied my dad for visitation in the mental institution and after my stay I was able to move in with my mom. I found out that the man my husband married, Jamie, was 26 years old- nearly half her age. Me and him got close.

I started school in longwood and had no friends. Me and Jamie were really close at this point and we both recognized that we had more than just family feelings towards each other. Things went downhill from here, our relationship becoming sexual.

During this time I also started dating one of the most inspiring, impacting person in my life, Max. I eventually slipped and told him what was going on, and he prompted me to tell someone. I did.

This was a nightmare, my mom didn't handle it well, at all. I don't think anyone could, really. Anyway I'll write something else on this another time it was a mess. He's gone and there was a court case going.

Living in my moms house was me, my mom, amber (my sister who was at the time very pregnant) her "baby-daddy" JR and my two half brothers Michael and Matthew. I was sent to Mather and started attending their program where you get therapy all day and go home at the end of the day. After that my mom was breaking, mentally. She would go off and then cry and apologize. She'd hook up with random men she found on dating sites, stalking them half assed to see if they were still with their exes while "dating" her.

A lot of this is kinda blurry but I know I was on Klonopin a narcotic for my anxiety. Me and my mom were constantly fighting and amber was buddy-buddy with her. One night the fighting got bad- Jr somehow had my medication (he's a drug dealer) and I told my therapist who obviously told my mom. There was a fight that got physical and in the end she called the cops sent me to the hospital and refused to pick me up.

I moved in with my dad, and family, and again struggled to find friends. I was( and currently am) in the high school of Copiague and there weren't many people who wanted me as a friend. It was like May, 2016 so school was almost over but then in June- I made an impulsive decision that changed my life.

I had my suicide attempt I described earlier. After two weeks I was getting physically sick, and puking. I went to the hospital and had to confess to my dad what I had done. I was on lithium, depakote, seroquel, Effexor and Mirtazapine and my lithium levels were very dangerously high, my kidneys were dehydrated and close to shutting down and they found the coin in my body. From the hospital after a week and a half of recovery and also taking my regents tests for algrebra and earth science (which I passed with a 65 and a 67!) in the hospital I was sent from an ambulance to south oaks. My medication was now regulated and it hasn't changed since.

I was in a partial program from south oaks for most of my summer vacation. Magically I passed ninth grade, and changed my whole outlook on life. As of today (starting 8/4/16) I'm in a relationship with a very nice boy living in Ireland. I started tenth grade nicely, making one or two friends, and my grades are definitely above average. One of my art projects is being displayed in the showcase in the school lobby and I'm really proud of myself for surviving this long.

I'm still exploring who I am, and I'm not afraid of changes within myself. I leave no room for hatred and judgement in my heart for it is filled to the brim with love and kindness. I have kind of a hippie mindset, allowing everyone to lead their own lives and love one another. I enjoy drawing, and listening to music my favorite artists being: Nirvana, Amanda Palmer, Gorillaz, and many many more. I am a fan of ALL art. Including art from 5 year olds, and also including everyone else in the entire world. I believe art cannot be critiqued (although I accept critique when given) for art cannot be done wrong. I believe you are now up to date with my life, and I hope you enjoy hearing my memories of the past. (In specific detail, not just a summary like this- it will probably be written in first person pov) See ya soon! Love you!