one shots | n.s

Maybe on the other side

yall check out my other two books little deer and flowers :D I promise they're nicer than this.

(-)

Does your mind ever wander around with
interrogations of why god created you? why did he wasted precious, valuable seconds of his time to think about how should he make your body, soul and life look like? and how much should he put so much misery and fucked up emotions in your mind to the point where you can't help thinking in the first place why?

why from all the people he chose you to suffer, to hate and loathe your own self?

In some religions, if god loved someone so much he tests his patience by making his life a living hell. The more he loves him, the more he increases his sorrow. If this how god defines love, then i'd rather be abhorred by him.

My whole life i've felt like a worthless piece of shit. I'd wake up thinking why am still alive? why my heart is still beating? why did i managed to flutter my eyes open and let the sun blind me? It became a habit to get these thoughts every single morning. Sometimes I'd lay in my bed staring at the ceiling thinking that every time I wake up, someone else just shut his eyes close, breathed his last breath and left this damned earth. Sometimes I wish I was in the person's place. I'd trade anything to be in his position.

What makes this a whole another level of unheard of irony is that I literally have the greatest, most beautiful boyfriend that i'd ever ask for. His name is harry and his heart is almost as big as this world.Words can't describe how much i love him it's almost like my tongue gets twisted whenever i think about him. I just find it really fascinating that he chose me from all the people and fell for me. I don't know why honestly i'm nothing but a web of fucked up unsolved emotions.

He's so gorgeous it's almost unreal that he's actually in love with me. I'm short and he's tall. I'm tiny and thin and he's muscular and big. I'm pale with the annoying habit of flushing easily and he's tan and warm. I have boring blue eyes and unnatural blonde hair and he has a beautiful shade of green eyes, and brown short, curly hair. I'm boring and he's interesting. I'm sentimental and disgusting, he's strong and charming. Harry is a god compared to me. I still don't understand how and why.

And despite all of these differences, he still treats me like i'm the best thing in the world. He cherishes me his warm, captivating love and words. He snuggles with me in our bed and wrapp his big arms around me making sure that i'm secure and safe. He would hold my hands whenever i'm feeling down and low, without even telling him it's like he can sense when my mentality starts fucking me up. He would send me cute messages with hearts and cliche pick up lines or awfully bad jokes but i'd still blush and laugh because he's the love of my life.

He Spoils me with a lof of gifts even when i whine and ask not to, he would grab my chubby rosy cheeks, caresses them with his thumbs and look me in the eyes with his intese, full of fond gaze that knocks the breath out of me. "you're my princess, and princesses are worthy of being spoiled" He would whisper against my lips and lock his with mine, making me forget for mere beautiful seconds about everything. My concerns, my low self confidence, my suicidal thoughts they all vanish from the existence when he's close to me.

It's like i'm cursed with this beautiful spell, a one that doesn't usually happen in fairytales. He makes me all giddy and happy inside when he's near, when his body is radiating the warmth i need to survive the coldness of my soul. He's my curse and my cure.

But that selfish idiotic subconscious of mine shouts at me "NOT ENOUGH". I'm sadly i believe these two words every single time. It's true, i'm not good enough for Harry. I'm so damaged, unbelievably sad and hideous.
I'll never feel good enough or merited to be Harry's boyfriend. I can't even be happy with who I am or what I already have. I feel useless and unworthy of his love. I never actually felt secure about face, my body, my personality.

I knew I was ugly and absurd . I knew harry was lying to me everytime we have sex and mumbled things like "you're beautiful" or "you're doing a great job babe".I know he's lying. He doesn't love me. How can someone love me? i'm the perfect epitome of ugliness, sickness, worthlessness and madness.

I literally have everything. The fame, the money, supportive fans, Loving family, protective friends and a gentle boyfriend. I don't feel good in my own skin. I don't feel delightful when ppl give me pity looks because i look like a dead body. I don't bother to think optimistically when I know for sure i'll end up stuck in a web of dark unpleasant thoughts. Sometimes it feels like suffocation when i'm left alone in this fucked world of mine. The thoughts of being useless, untalented enough, fat, too pale too noisy they all attack me at once. It's like they're alive and they're sick of entering the same head over and over again without any use. So they decide to tear into my head all together, perhaps hoping that it might kill me. Slowly, it is.

Even if I tried to act happy I miserably fail at it and end up making everyone worried. and if I really felt happy it won't even last for a day.
it's like happiness hates my gut. Tries to run away as far as it can. Seeing someone who has everything but never thankful and sad all the time, of course if will ditch my ass.

Why can't I be happy for once? why can't these destructive demons leave my head for once and actually let me be happy?

Why can't I feel pretty and overwhelmed with when harry practically worship my ugly body every night?

Why can't I laugh for real every time louis crack up a joke instead of forcing a provoking laugh? 

why won't those demons leave me and let happiness find it own way into my life?

why and why and why but i never find the answers, and i'll probably won't.

I once read a quote about how if you really wanted to earn true happiness, you should find the peace within yourself. How am I supposed to do that when all I think about how annoying my laugh is? how ugly my body looks, how uncomfortable I get when I'm around people, how worthless I am of my boyfriend's honest love, how shaky my hands get and my eyes water when I'm in the crowds, how protectively my paleness is. And this has been going since god knows when. It feels like ever since I came out from my mother's womb I felt extremely tired already.

I don't wanna live like this anymore. Not when 8 have to pretend that my life is perfect and my head is not full of self destructive thoughts 24/7. I can't do this anymore I feel so exhausted and out of energy to bear with everything. I've always been weak and fragile no matter how High i tried to build the walls between me and My demons they always manage to make holes and Invade the small peaceful state of mind I had.

It's too much. I feel like a balloon im a little girl's hand who's unwilling to give up on me until she gets the big, bright balloon she visualized. So she kept blowing the air from her lungs into the balloon and it got bigger and bigger and bigger and on the spur of the moment, the balloon exploded. It simply couldn't handle the intense pressure anymore. after all everything has it own limit.

And I've had enough. I've had enough of feeling like a depressed teenager all the time, I've had enough of not satisfying god so he can at least take it easy on me. I've had enough of not being enough for anyone and Harry.

It's not like he's gonna miss me or anything. I've been really snappy and moody lately so probs he hates my ass already. I hope one day he find someone who's capable of loving him like my loser worthless self couldn't because it was too busy dealing with my own shit. I hope he smiles when he enters the house and call for my name but hear nothing in return. I hope he laughs when he walks ever so slow to our room and find me laying lifeless on our big bed. I hope he scoffs and call louis to tell him that he's finally free from loving someone as ugly as me.

I hope he gets what he truly deserves. Not me, not Niall Horan who's middle name is purposeless.

I hope he's as happy as me now that i'm finally leaving his life and everyone's. Maybe i'll find happiness but on the other side.

(x)