savior ≫ z.m. [completed]

35; the end.

I am alive again

The song ends and I realize that I had actually come to a complete stop. It was just me, standing on the sidewalk, panting from the long run. I walk over to a bench and sit on it, wiping my brow with my arm. There were a million thoughts whirring around in my head, and I got dizzy thinking about them.

There were three demons that have haunted me these past 11 years; my mother, self harming, and self loathing.

I've gotten past those three things. Yesterday, after I had hung up on my mother, she had tried to call again. She wouldn't stop calling, until I finally blocked her number. I made it clear to her that I never wanted to talk to her ever again, yet she kept trying to contact me. If my mother cannot respect that, it's just another reason why I shouldn't forgive her. She abandoned me when I needed her most. She became an alcoholic, basically she just shut me out of her life. All she cared about were her drinks and getting drunk all the time; I was left to care for Danielle, and I couldn't do that. Because I needed someone to care after me. Every single bad thing in my life directly related to her being a terrible parent and never being there for her child. Cutting her off was something I needed to do. If I gave her one more chance, it would send her the message that I would need her. The moment she hit Danielle with her beer bottle, everything in me that cared about her just left. She is nothing to me now.

I haven't self harmed in weeks. Maybe it's because I haven't had any privacy lately, or I've been too busy to think about it, but either way, my blade had not been used for a while. And for some strange reason, I had no desire to use it again. When I think more about it, that first day when Zayn threw my blade in the trash was the day when someone finally decided to care; and when he did that, I felt this unknown feeling I haven't felt in years.

Ever since him, everything started getting better, instead of going downhill. I would be dead right now if he had never showed up in my life. He made me feel like I was worth something, like I actually did matter. Abbie made me feel that way, but that was all sucked away when I found her on the bathroom floor. And Zayn made it all come back.

Come to think of it, Zayn basically healed me. When he came to this tiny town as an exchange student, he picked up the broken shards of glass that I was and glued them back together; I had thought it was impossible, but, it turns out, it was, with the right person doing it.

Another song comes on shuffle and I stifle a sob. It was Free Now, also by Sleeping With Sirens. (A/N: this is actually my favorite song of all time i know every part of this song by heart and it means so much to me i'll link it to the side♥)

I wrote this song for my father

Sometimes I feel he never gave a damn about me

Though he raised me like he should

Did he understand me? No, no, I don't think so.

I wrote this song for my mother

She had to leave me, when I was younger

She said son, seek this life and keep an open mind

But in my mind's eye...

...I am free now

Free to live without my fears

I believe now

There's a reason why I'm here

It's to try to do good

It's to try to do better

Who will I be for my daughter?

This little baby, she means the world to me

Will I relive their mistakes?

Or do things the right way?

For her sake!

I am free now

Free to live without my fears

I believe now

There's a reason why I'm here

Can I be a man?

One that understands

How to love more patiently

I am free now

I am free now.

And we dream of the day, when our kids can play

In the streets with no fear of being taken away

Fathers raise their sons with respect and love

Handle anger and pain with no need for no guns

If we hope to be free it takes you and me

To start over here and now

Cause this world is the way it is,

It's how we raise our kids.

I wrote this song for my mother,

Wrote this song for our father

So hopefully we can come together

And hopefully make things a little better.

I am free now

Free to live without my fears

I believe now

There's a reason why I'm here.

Can I be a man?

One that understands

How to love more patiently

I am free now

I am free now

I am free now

I am free now.

The flock of birds on my collarbone. The tattoo was a symbol of hope; that maybe one day, I could be let loose from my demons, just like these birds who fly without any concern about anything.

This is exactly what I've been waiting for my entire life.

I am free now.

...

A/N: until next time, thank you so much for everything! i still cant believe it's over! i get to click the "completed" button now! this is crazy ok i should go before i cry I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH

dont forget to check out my other books listed below

Love, Erica xx

twitter: waatercolors

MY OTHER CURRENT STORIES TO CHECK OUT:

Target Boy // Luke Hemmings

Afraid // 5SOS

Fight For You // A Novel

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-editing completed 11/14/14-