Doormat

Chapter 7

"And what miraculous, world-changing discovery have you made with your genius, Joker?" asked Crane, sarcastically. "How to use a whoopie cushion?"

"Well, I am quite inventive with that – you can ask Harley," chuckled Joker. "I'm certainly a genius in the sack, ain't that right, baby?"

"Maybe," agreed Harley. "But I don't exactly have a lot of experience with other guys in the sack to compare it to. You could be pretty average objectively."

Joker gaped at her. "Average?" he repeated, aghast. "Are you nuts?! Do you have any idea how spoiled you are when it comes to my sexual performances?! They're a goddamn masterpiece every time!"

"Well, you're certainly not the most enthusiastic guy in the sack sometimes," said Harley, shrugging. "Bet Johnny would beat you in the enthusiasm department, wouldn't you, Johnny?"

"Yes," agreed Crane, hastily. "Yes, I would be...very, very enthusiastic if given the opportunity."

"Well, you keep massaging like that and you just might," purred Harley, grinning at him. "Ooooh, yes, Johnny..."

"All right, cut it out!" snapped Joker, shoving Crane away from Harley. "Stop pawing my dame! She ain't for you! I don't care if you've got your college days or your doctor degrees in common – Harley and I have something much more important in common!"

"Which is?" asked Crane.

"Sense of humor," retorted Joker. "And you'll never be able to satisfy that part of her, Craney, because you ain't a funny guy! I'm the funniest guy who ever lived, which is why Harley thinks I'm the greatest guy who ever lived. And she's right, by the way."

"I suppose there really isn't a way I can compete with you via your brand of clownish, goofy humor," agreed Crane.

"There, y'see? He admits it!" exclaimed Joker. "He's not as funny as me!"

"But in terms of intellectual wit, I think I might surpass you," continued Crane. "For instance, this humorous definition of a Freudian slip, which is saying one thing, but meaning your mother."

Harley burst out laughing. "I get it!" she giggled.

"I don't," snapped Joker. "And it's not a real joke if you have to explain it, moron! A joke should be obviously funny, not making you know extra stuff to get it!"

"I think there are different types of humor, Joker..." began Crane.

"No, there's just funny, and what's funny is what I say is funny!" snapped Joker. "Because I'm the Joker, and I know funny! Nobody sees a scarecrow and thinks funny, do they?"

"I always thought the scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz was kinda funny," said Harley.

"He wasn't funny – he didn't have a brain!" snapped Joker. "You can't be funny without a brain!"

"You manage it," retorted Crane.

Harley giggled again. "Good one, Johnny!"

"It's not a good one!" snapped Joker. "And that's an insult, not a joke! Insults aren't funny!"

"You insult people as jokes all the time," retorted Crane. "And you seem to think they're funny."

"That's because they are funny when I do 'em!" snapped Joker. "Because I'm a funny guy! You're not, so nothing you say is funny!"

"Oh, really?" asked Crane. "What if I said that the only thing super about Superman is his super-ego?"

Harley cracked up again. "I love it!" she cackled. "Because he's got superpowers, but also an overdeveloped sense of morality! It's a joke that works on two levels! Have you ever told a joke that works on two levels, Mr. J?" she asked.

"I've told a joke that works on ten levels when I shoved you outta a ten-storey building!" roared Joker. "And you felt all those levels, didn't you, Harley? You're gonna feel them again if you don't stop stroking Johnny's super-ego!"

"Do you even know what the super-ego is?" asked Crane.

"Yeah, you just said – Superman's ego," retorted Joker.

"Oh dear," sighed Crane. "Someone doesn't even have a basic knowledge of Freud."

"You would have, if you'd gone to college," said Harley. "But I guess you're just my little dunce, aren't you, Mr. J?" she cooed, kissing his cheek.

Joker shoved her away, glaring at her, and then stormed into his study without another word. Harley heard crashing as he began to throw and smash things around the room, including the diorama and the macaroni. She giggled again.

"Aw, it's working great!" she said. "Thanks for being so helpful, Johnny."

"It's a pleasure, my dear," he said, sincerely. "You must let me know if there's anything else I can do for you. Anything at all."

"Just get back to the hideout for now," said Harley. "And let Jervis know he's up next. I don't think we've reached Mr. J's breaking point yet, but we will soon. He just needs one more little push..."