Gains and Losses (ON HOLD)

Chapter No. 11:A Numb Cut

(trigger warning: Dont read if you r not comfortable with self harm!)

Chapter No. 11: A Numb Cut

My face was drenched in tears, which got mixed with some of the liquid on my face. My whole body smelled like alcohol and my hair was damp and sticky. I sprinted towards my car with heavy breaths. The music was starting to play again in the house.

Igniting the car engine, I drove the car back home. I was distracted by the whole condition, so I didn't remember how I drove back home. I was only thinking,how could I end this useless life of mine? No one cared about me, no one wanted me, and no one would cry if I died.

They just hated me, and I hated myself more than anyone else in this world at this moment. I stopped my car with a jerk in front of my house. The outside was dark and quiet. I was pretty sure mom was not home, so it was the perfect opportunity to end my sufferings. I entered the dark hallway, without turning the light, I walked inside the house. 

The alcohol in my clothes and hair was making me gag, it was a constant reminder for me to end my suffering.I rushed to the kitchen, and searched for something that would help me. I was still sobbing, yet it hurt less than the feeling that froze my heart. Each step I took, the scene was just recurring in my brain. Lewis sitting beside me called me Anna doll! Emily called me fat and ugly. The laughter of people and my humiliation.

How could she do this?

I didn't care about Lewis now, I only cared about how my best friend could do this to me.

Amid falling tears and blurry eyes, I opened every single drawer and cabinet to find anything. I was looking for mom's sleeping pills, but there was no sign of them.I need sleeping pills because I wanted to overdose on them. But due to bad luck, I didnt find them. So, I continued to find other than pills.

At last I saw a knife with wooden handle, in the second drawer closest to the sink. I held the knife in my hand. My hands shook a little, but my mind was telling me to do this. So, I followed my brain and scurried into my room with the knife. I turned on the lamp beside my bed and my dark room changed into a dim-lit one.

I sat on the bed and saw my phone on my pillow. I unlocked its pass code and opened the photos. My mind was playing games with me and my body was moving in sync with my brain's order. There were many photos of me and Emily. We were so happy; we had so much fun then. There was no reputation priorities in our childhood. I never imagined her doing this to me only because of the people she wanted to be with. She made them happy by hurting me.

With every photo my heart broke into millions of pieces. My eyes were still damp but my heart wanted to end everything within a moment. As I scrolled down, a message popped on my screen. It was a picture of Lewis in bed, with Emily, hugging him. A single tear escaped as I blinked. I threw the phone away and it smashed down with a single hit. The only person I ever trusted was Emily, but she didn't know how much I cared for her. Friendship breakups are so much worse than any other kind of break ups. I was overwhelmed by the whole situation.

Tears again started to escape from my eyes. This time only water was coming out of my eyes, but no feelings were making its way to my heart. I just felt deprived and imprisoned. The only way for my freedom was by running away from this world. I turned my eyes back to the knife in my hand. It was shining from the light coming of the lamp and the bright moon through my window. I put the cold knife on my left wrist. My other hand was shaking, as I put the knife close to my wrist. I wanted to hurt myself from the outside to kill the things haunting me from the inside.

''Let's just finish it,'' I muttered, my heart started to beat fast.

I changed the direction of the knife in a vertical position and pressed against my skin. First no blood came out of my wrist. The second time, I pressed the knife with more force and blood started to flow out. I kept on pressing in until the blood smeared out of it. I was feeling satisfied yet... scared.

But during this, I felt like my heart was sinking, and with this feeling, my body grew weak and I fell onto the bed. In comparison to the pain inside my heart, it was nothing. My skin became numb to relieve the pain from inside. That knife helped me to do this. This time my eyes were not soaking wet, they were dry. I knew that my pain is going to end. I knew that I was going to escape from my so called life.

During the continuous dripping of blood, my body started to stop working. But it was only at this time that my brain decided to do a quick flashback of all the memories which were dear to me. My time with mom and dad when we used to happy and a family. Me and Emily when we used to enjoy being best friends. And when Lewis kissed me.

''Ahh'' I winced with pain.

Suddenly, my eyes got foggy and I felt nauseous. I felt like my heart just stopped pumping blood. I was breathing heavily, which was suffocating. I was unable to keep my eyes open and, slowly, everything was getting darker, darker and then... disappeared.

Author's Note:
Hi guys! How r u? 

I m so sad. I know that these characters are the pieces of my imagination but I have a strange feelings for them! I feel so bad for Anna

And You all listen to me: Suicide is not an answer to any problem. Dont ever think about this! If you ever feel low just try to talk to someone! If you cant talk to your friends or family, talk to me about anything! I m always here for you! Just remember that the bad days dont stay forever! The bad days in your life is only to test you how strong are you and how bravely you can fight with your problems. You have to save yourself, put yourself first and dont listen to the people who hurts you! Guys love yourself! If loving yourself called being selfish then be a selfish! Always take care of yourself! If you are suffering from any disorder, just seek help! 

This story will show how a simple and bullied girl finds her way to loving herself! I will show how brave she can be! Because I know how it feels to be like this!

Please vote and comment because I spend too much energy and time on a chapter :)
Bye my brave readers!Just believe on yourself! Be strong! I love you all, you guys always make my smile and happy :* :*  <3